I was trying to rewrite parts of my resume, because let's face it, I'm extremely disillusioned with my current job. Anyway, I was trying to word my position title so that it didn't include the company jargon. I realized that I really couldn't say "assistant supervisor," as I don't have other privileges over the other girls. I just happen to work full-time and know how to assume the supervisor position when necessary. Then I typed "assistant to the supervisor." And then I had a depressing realization....
....I am Dwight K. Schrute.
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
I don't believe you. Continue.
Dear lord. This is a terrifying thought. As much as I love Rainn Wilson's performance of such a scarily ambitious, socially inept farmer/salesman, I don't want to be anything like the character!! I don't want to insist that I hold a position that I really don't! It's good to highlight your attributes and make them sound attractive, but you can't embellish too much. At least I can't...I don't BS too well. I can't even fly through a paper in one night anymore. I'm just too antsy and nervous.
However, there is one bit of weird confidence I can take from Dwight.
Fact: I have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Let's do that with my own name!
Creative Helpful Reliable Independent Sincere
That's not too bad. I'll have to remember that (silently) whenever I get an interview. Fingers crossed that our luck will change soon!
Today isn't exactly the greatest for me I don't feel like going into it, but my body is really worn out, my head hurts, and I just need to distract myself. The extremely awesome Amanda found an old Cabaret video and posted it on Facebook for me this past weekend, and it got me very nostalgic for the 1998 Broadway revival.
As you may have gathered by now, I am a theatre geek. I don't get up to NYC nearly as much as I used to (2001-2008 were the glory years), but I had an utter blast during that time period. Can't even tell you how many shows, concerts, gigs, workshops, and benefits I attended. I truly treasure those memories and met some of the greatest people during those years who I'm proud to call dear friends.
Cabaret is what really kicked everything off. Well, I should say my former obsession with Alan Cumming led me to everything, but Cabaret changed my life. I saw the show 45 times at Studio 54 between October 14 2000 up through the final performance on January 4, 2004. I met so many people and brought all of my best friends at least once. I found new actors to adore and had quite memorable stage door experiences. The cast was constantly revolving, and I saw so very many actors, both famous and up-and-coming. My Emcees were Matt McGrath, Raul Esparza, John Stamos, Neil Patrick Harris, Jon Secada, Adam Pascal, and the understudies Vance Avery and Derek Isetti. My Sally Bowles' were Lea Thompson, Gina Gershon, Brooke Shields, Molly Ringwald, Jane Leeves, Deborah Gibson, Melina Kanakaredes, Susan Egan, and the understudies Milena Govich, Heather Laws, Lori Eure, and Katrina Yaukey. Part of the reason the show remained infinitely interesting to me is that there was always a new interpretation of character, singing, and actions.
For the record, my favorites in order:
Esparza, McGrath, Pascal, NPH, Avery, Stamos, Isetti, Secada
Egan, Laws, Kanakaredes, Gershon, Thompson, Gibson, Leeves, Govich, Yaukey, Shields, Eure, Ringwald
I greatly respect the original Hal Prince vision of the show and think Joel Grey is truly fabulous, but I just prefer the Sam Mendes and Alan Cumming revamp. I love how it's a combo of the 1966 OBC, the 1972 movie with Liza, and its own truly dark interpretations taken from their London Donmar production. Thank goodness it came overseas...thank goodness. It's a brilliant show where half the score is in a nightclub setting, it's decadent Weimar republic history, it's burlesque, it's foreshadowing of the dark WWII that was about to occur...I own the original Isherwood novels, the play I Am A Camera, and the original 1966 libretto. I really should get the Kander & Ebb book already.
Some videos out there are truly bad quality (but special to hardcore fans like me), so I'm just going to share some especially fun clips right now from performers I saw. There's more footage out there, shame it's not on youtube.
Raul Esparza- "Willkommen"
Molly Ringwald- "Don't Tell Mama." 8 years later, and I still can't stand her stiff ass.
Susan Egan- "Mein Herr." Fiercest Sally, and yet all her vids suck.
Raul Esparza- "Two Ladies"
Gina Gershon- "Maybe This Time"
Neil Patrick Harris- "Money"
Neil Patrick Harris: "Entr'Acte" and Kickline. Give it 30 seconds till the picture comes up, and it's really only 6 minutes. Unless you want to see the glorious acting of Tom Boosley.
John Stamos- "If You Could See Her." 8 years later and I realize he's really not that bad.
Adam Pascal- "I Don't Care Much"
Jane Leeves- "Cabaret"
Deborah Gibson- Montage of songs
Holy crap, I never saw this!! Melina Kanakaredes singing Maybe This Time on Regis & Kelly. She was one of my favorites.
A fun little bonus for Michael C. Hall fans, as he was Alan Cumming's successor as the Emcee:
Milena Govich singing a special comedic rendition of "Cabaret" for charity. Cute!! Very vegetarian. ;-)
The commercial. Yes that's Jennifer Jason Leigh as Sally:
Alan Cumming and Joel Grey performing at the Kennedy Center Honors. CHILLS as always.
Cabaret at the 1998 Tonys. I'll never stop loving this. Cheeky imp. Why did he turn into a douche?
Alan Cumming on Conan, 1999. Best Cabaret interview ever!
It may be a week late, but I still want to post my 2010 Favorites list. I found this survey from the lovely Jane.
My favorite film
Well, I don't get to the movies a ton....these are the ones we made the effort to go to together this year: The Wolfman, Alice in Wonderland 3D, Date Night, Nightmare on Elm Street, Dinner for Schmucks, My Soul to Take 3D, Due Date, and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Out of all of these, I enjoyed Date Night and Harry Potter the best. Pairing Carell and Fey was a total nerdgasm treat for me, and I'm just obsessed with the HP world.
My favorite book
Anything by Jen Lancaster!! This woman is my new goddess. After plowing through every last glorious page of her first four books, I put her most recent (My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict’s Attempt to Discover If Not Being a Dumb Ass Is the New Black, or, a Culture-Up Manifesto) away so I would still have something new left to read. Though, her blog is timely and hilarious, so I’m sorely tempted to just devour the last book. Based on the title alone, how can you blame me?!
My favorite album or song this year
“Speechless" and "Paparazzi” by Lady Gaga. Good lord, do I love that woman. I just freakin adore the entire Fame Monster album.
Couldn’t get “Right Round” by Flo Rida out of my head because we always turn The Hangover on when it’s on cable, and that’s the song in the amazing end montage.
I also enjoyed quite a few of the Glee mp3s that were out there, but my ultimate “repeat” song was their rendition of “Run Joey Run.” Sheer brilliance, as was the video.
Me and L started creating our own parody called “Run Charlie Run” about the assassination of President McKinley by Charles Guiteau. But that’s also because I’m a musical theatre nerd and worship the Sondheim show Assassins. In any event, "Daddy please don’t, it wasn’t his fault, he means so much to meeeeeeeeee!"
Totally adored the Fallon/Fey/Glee/Hamm “Born to Run” Emmy’s opening.
The Lonely Island still remained awesome, and I particularly enjoyed “Great Day.”
Also, Mindy Kaling’s (or should I say Subtle Sexuality’s) song “Male Prima Donna” on The Office was positively hysterical. Looks like I liked a lot of silly songs this year!
My TV boyfriend of the year
There are 3 categories: The Hello-come-here-take-me-nowwwww, which Matt Morrison falls into. The Dear-Lord-Are-You-FUNNY-on-top-of-gorg is where Jon Hamm reigns. And then there's the OMGOMG-How-could-I-have-hated-you-for-so-long-when-you-are-sublime-perfection category known as Kyle MacLachlan. Between Desperate Housewives, How I Met Your Mother, that SVU episode that’s often repeated, and my Twin Peaks obsession, that man will forever be my TV bf. And for the SatC fans…Schooner. Hahaha! Once again, I love someone I used to “hate.” I really do need to write a scientific theory called The Esparza-Schwartzman Theorem.
My TV girlfriend of the year
Tina Fey is my constant….but I’d have to say Mariska Hargitay can enter this category now. She’s delightful. Also, Bernadette (Melissa Rauch) from Big BangTheory is just insanely adorable.
My biggest anticipations of the year
Well, I thought Hedwig was supposed to be revived on Broadway…how’s that going, JCM?? *bites nails*
My favorite new website of the year
These aren’t exactly new, but I enjoy poring over the TWOP sitcom forums as well as the Twin Peaks recaps at work. I also really like this review site I was led to called The Life and Art of Vern. Cupcakes Take the Cake is a fabulous blog that I stumbled upon.
My favorite pop culture news story of the year
Everything involving the late night wars with Conebone69 and Leno. I am so glad Conan has a venue where he can do what he wants, but I hate how it had to happen. Such bullshit.
My favorite actor/actress of the year
I really started loving Anne Hathaway this year, but I’d have to say that James Franco wins this category. Not for any movies, not for his art or writing and 8 bazillion classes and hobbies, not even his winking performance art of General Hospital…no, it’s all thanks to SNL and the Tizzle Wizzle show. “I’m wearing PAJAMAS!!” Has a simple line ever been uttered with more gusto, goofiness, and charm? That’s right.
(It is not lost on me that I chose the two upcoming Oscar hosts as my favorites. Apparently I am proving that there are younger viewers in want of younger hipper hosts.)
My favorite TV drama of the year
I got addicted to Law & Order: SVU in a hardcore way. I can't imagine my evenings without Stabler and Benson anymore!! Haven't been watching quite as many dramas as I used to, especially medical shows like House and Grey's. L watches NCIS and Burn Notice, and those are very good too. I especially love Abby!
My favorite TV comedy of the year
Big Bang Theory is the one show I always tried to watch "live" no matter what. I just love those guys, and while the situations are a touch heightened at times, they're still realistically hilarious. We're always quoting from the episodes. How I Met Your Mother still kept me laughing, and I really enjoy Glee. There are times it annoys me, but I love waiting a few weeks and watching a marathon.
My favorite TV reality show of the year
I was rather tired of reality this year. I stopped watching Biggest Loser, and Idol is breaking my heart. Top Chef was good (especially All-Stars), but I didn’t watch Masters or Desserts. I watched Cupcake War, but I wouldn’t call it a favorite. I guess I’d have to say Project Runway…despite the annoying-ass win, I thought Tim Gunn was on top of his game, and Mondo was delightful. Being back in NYC was a thrill as well. On that note, I am forever a slave to What Not to Wear.
My favorite TV channel of the year
I don’t really favor any one in particular…I’ll often leave on Bravo, USA, Food Network, Hub, VH1 Classics…
Liz: I have plans tonight. Jack: Let me guess, a meatball sub with extra bread and a bottle of Nyquil? Tivo'd Top Chef? A little Bonnie Raitt and lights out? Liz: No ... Jack : Oh, so you won't mind me saying that Casey gets voted out tonight. Liz: You monster! Why must you be like this?!
L went to have his normal Friday Nerd Pack night, but he decided to stay over this time since I had to work the next morning. As I left work Friday (our later night), I ordered a pepperoni and mushroom stromboli, grabbed a can of throwback Mountain Dew, mismatched unflattering pjs, and settled into bed with my feast and two DVR'd episodes of Top Chef: All Stars. Funny enough, Casey did get voted out on the second episode. Then I fell asleep with all the lights on before I could get to my saved What Not to Wear. 10 pm- 6:45 am, woke up, and fell back till 8:45 am since I got to go in late. And let me tell you, friends, it was GLORIOUS.
I love spending so much time with L now that we live together, he's my love and my best friend. But sometimes, we both need a night to ourselves! There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's going to make our snowy weekend all the sweeter! We want to get some fun shopping done (as opposed to food shopping, ha), clean a little, and then just settle and snuggle in front of the TV on the couch. We have lots of DVDs, video games, DVR...I love living a simple and fun life. It's the little things that make me happy. When I was younger, I used to spend all my weekends trying to have fun adventures, and while I still enjoy that now and then, it's not my main focus. I am very happy living in domestic bliss!
One positive thing is that I've finally been able to indulge my need to play hostess this year. I never had a party in my life, sleepovers were infrequent at my house, and any get-together was usually taken care of by a family member in the past. From Labor Day on, I have realized that I can have these events occur more frequently. And now the sofa bed downstairs can be fully used more often than my grandmother's visits.
I often called my domestic goddess tendencies as going into "Bree mode" after the amazing character Bree Van de Kamp Hodge on Desperate Housewives. I'm not as crazy as her, but I do love baking and making sure everyone has an excellent time when over, whether through food, activities, you name it. One of my friends who flew down and stayed over for the funeral last month said our house looked like A Very Merry Martha Stewart and Tim Burton Christmas. I'd say that's downright accurate! We are cozy and creative with a definite twisted flair. I like to call the house our humble nerd abode.
It was just so weird how I kicked into gear on New Years Eve when I got home from work, calmly beginning to make and set up all the snacks and appetizers and drinks, get the dinner order ready, make sure those who wanted alcohol knew what and where to partake...it was quite nice. I enjoyed it greatly. I like being generous, especially the older I get. It's more fun to watch people get excited over something I came up with.
Tonight, I've been lying down, re-reading the best Judy Blume book ever, napping, and cleaning up from the previous night. Sounds lazy as hell, but sometimes we just need those kinds of weekends. I'm not going to let myself feel guilty for something like that. Just don't let me look at the kitchen sink. Bree-mode doesn't kick in when piles of dishes are involved!
When I started this blog, I was conflicted about turning 30 and all the changes that would come with it. Little did I know that this whole crazy year was prepping me for one of the hardest losses of my life.
I know life throws obstacles at you and the saying is you never have more than you can handle. Well, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm starting to feel like I'm a lady of steel right now with everything that's been flung upon me over the past 13 years.
Now it's going to be over. Now I can settle everything legally and monetarily and move on with the next steps of my life. Soon I will learn not to feel guilt and know that my mother is watching over me and smiling hugely over my accomplishments. I know all she wanted for me was my own life, but this is all still really fresh and hard to feel "happy" over.
It's even harder knowing that the last milestone Mom was there for was my 30th birthday. Not marriage, kids, better career, etc. Yet, I had this urge to break my writer's block and start this blog a few months ago. I'm starting to think everything happens for a reason. Everything's been falling into place strangely throughout my life.
JK Rowling was 25 when she lost her mother to MS, and she was creating Harry Potter at the time. Maybe I have a masterpiece in me as well. I won't know unless I keep writing, even if it's just about frivolous things, daily life, or pop culture. I started rereading old books from my childhood and preteen years...it's very interesting to reread from an adult perspective. I was an avid reader and it was an activity that Mom and I could always do together. I heard her voice read a line in an old Judy Blume book I just plowed through. It was crazy! It also reassured me that she will always be with me in some way.
I've been thinking about resolutions and how I never really keep with them. One thing Mom often said was, "If I could get out of bed and exercise, I would!" It was never a dig at me; she was simply stating that she wished she could do something about her permanent condition. She accepted her MS, but she also got sad now and then when she couldn't do the activities she used to take for granted. I want to honor her by accomplishing my goals that I've longed to achieve. There is no use in waning and whining and giving up. I am able to do so much with my life, and I absolutely want to make the most out of that gift. Therefore, I resolve to start doing cardio for at least 30 min a day, building slowly as time goes on. I am not focused on numbers, I am focused on health, well being, and feeling comfortable with myself again. Getting myself into a consistent active routine will melt this fat away and start showing off the muscle and strength I've developed.
I'm going to finally finish what I've started and stopped for 10 years. This new decade is going to begin with love, health, and positive emotions. I know I can do it with all the amazing friends and family I have surrounding me.
This year has already blown, but that was just the cherry on top.
I've taken care of her since the end of high school....she was diagnosed with progressive MS right before I was born. My stepfather had it as well. However, his hit a lot faster, and he was older than her....he passed 6 years ago in a nursing home.
But Mom never had to go to a home. I always said, "You're here till whenever." Even though L moved in, we kept her included in everything and never made her feel like we wanted her out. We didn't! Right now we are missing her so much....this is such an adjustment not to always see her in bed in the living room. She was bedridden and had limited functions, but her mind was relatively sharp for a chronic 57 year old patient.
She passed with dignity and without pain. Though it was an insanely fast shock, was it really a shock? She was getting weaker since July. She never had to deteriorate or lose her mind like my stepfather unfortunately did. She got to be at home and feel loved and not alone and see all the changes we made to the former crapshack of a house. She got to finally see me happy and content in a committed relationship. She got to see her mother (our only family besides cousins across the country) find religion and peace. She knew she could leave and we would be ok.
I objectively realize all this. It's getting even easier to say to people. I can put on a happy face while I do customer service 5 days a week. However, it is still so very painful.
I can find the silver linings in how my life is finally my own and that L and I will have the freedom to do everything we want before making any more steps. Even just little things like not having to base my schedule and dinner around her, you know? I've been getting better sleep and less carbs. Yet I can't help but feel guilty that I'm able to have these benefits. I know she always said "I just want you to have your own life," and I know she would be upset that I feel any guilt. I just can't help it sometimes. I miss her so much, but yet I know that she passed in the best way she could, despite us feeling "cheated" of more time with her.
What freaks me out is how everything just fell into place before she left. I'm very skeptical, but I've been trying to be more spiritual. I don't believe in organized religion, but all the shit that's happened this year has made me realize that things really do happen for a reason. My grandmother said that everything kickstarted after my February car accident. Maybe that happened so I could see just how we don't know what'll happen in life and how there are most likely angels watching over us. It actually opened my mind up to the possibilities of something truly bigger out there. I see why people believe so strongly in those things because it does help comfort with emotionality and fear of the unknown. I truly want to believe there's an afterlife now so that my mom can be reunited with my stepfather and be happy for eternity (and walking). Energy really doesn't disappear, as per a conversation I had earlier this week. Still, there is that little nagging logic at me that says "How do you know this as a FACT?"
In any event, I have gotten through my first Christmas without my mommy. Hell, this is the first time I've ever lived without parents (same for L). This new year and decade (and my 30s) are going to start off very strangely and a bit hectic with all the paperwork and legal matters I need to finalize. But now I can finally start living my life the way that she always intended for me. My mommy wanted nothing more than happiness and contentment for me. Once I truly get used to this, I will actually finally start to be able to enjoy everything. I will always have my mother with me, even if not physically. I will be sad sometimes, but I'm handling this better than everyone thought I would. Even better than I thought I would! There is still grieving behind my eyes, but every day gets a bit easier.
