It's funny how life is just so damn good on the chill weekends. Worked in the morning on Saturday and then hung all day with my bestie and her 8 month old. Today L and I went to IHOP in the morning and then went to see Captain America (my first time, his second on opening weekend!). For the record, I loved it. I totally get why he's all about the legacy. I agree with him and his friends when they said this should be the kind of movie where you feel propelled to stand up and salute the screen at the end. Chris Evans was seriously excellent as Steve Rogers. We did some shopping (new hot dresses, wooo!), came home, and played a new video game. Well, he played while I messed around on the laptop.
Now it's time for bed and yet another weekend has flown by. Yet, despite all the action going on, it was surprisingly chill. I love that, and I hate how it's yet another week beginning tomorrow. However, I only have a 3 day week because I'm taking a mini-vaca. Wooooohoo!
I intend to write more in this blog. And yes, it will be more light-hearted than the last two posts (my friend said I should have a waaaaaaa-waaaaaahhh sound wav when you enter the site), but sometimes I need to get emotions like that out. It's healthy and necessary. And some days I just want to chat about my day or pick apart a good book or movie.
Right now, music is on my mind. I'm so sad about Amy Winehouse's death, but I don't feel a need to write about it. I just want to go immerse myself in her Back to Black album like I used to do years ago. She was truly amazing, and the current music industry is poorer for not having her talent.
However, I will have a need to write about Lady Gaga's absolutely perfect new album. I am officially a little monster. Stay tuned!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
"Father of mine, tell me what do you see, when you look back at your wasted life and you don't see me."
Note...this couldn't be more different than the last letter entry. This is me in the middle of working out a lot of issues. Writing in my blog is therapeutic, and I have no shame in anyone reading this. I do not expect comments. I just want people to know the truth.
Dear Dad,
That seems way too cozy. Too personal. After all, it's been 20 years since you died, and I only really ever called you Daddy. That was too good for you as well. When did you ever truly act like a daddy? Up till I was 5? Gee, thanks. Way to shape those formative years of my life.
Maybe I should just refer to you as Al. But Al was a so-called "man" who tortured the women in his immediate life. As Mom said, "Oh you're such a big man, Al. Beating up on your disabled wife and little girl...such a man."
When people ask about my biological father, I can casually say "Oh he died of a heart attack at 38. Oh, don't be sorry! It was a blessing in disguise." How can someone just cavalierly talk about their father being a piece of shit? Well it's easy when that father was you.
I had barely thought about you on your birthday until this year. June 23. I'm November 23. Easy to remember. You would have been 59 this year. When you died, you looked like you were that age. The Philly morgue freezer being broken didn't help matters much. Closed casket. Cremation. Barely any attendance. People really only showed up for me or to make sure you were actually dead. Then your "friends" and family completely ditched me. I've met that side twice, and I can barely remember them. I barely know my family history. Your parents were dead by the 70s and your sister never called until you died. I have an aunt who I wouldn't know if I fell over. We got a sympathy card from your aunt, titled "Dear M and 'daughter.'" Isn't it great to feel wanted? I have been shunned all because you were/are a piece of shit.
So naturally I mourned. I was 10 years old! What the hell do you expect. I knew that it was better that Daddy couldn't terrorize us anymore, but it was still my daddy. I would get beaten for wanting to play Nintendo, watch a movie, go to the circus...I can't even remember it all anymore. I just have a few distinct memories of you going into a rage because I did something totally innocent that you didn't like. I WAS A KID. A CHILD. YOUR LITTLE GIRL. Mom had to keep me so quiet when I was a baby because god forbid I wake you. I walked on eggshells before I could even walk.
We were barely allowed to see anyone. We were practically impoverished. Mom had to sleep on the couch for years while you got the room and bed all to yourself, even if you were working a night shift. You yelled at and beat on her more than anything. I saw you try to choke her. You took me to see your girlfriend and told me to lie to my own mother at freakin' 7. SHE WAS YOUR WIFE. DISABLED. THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD. You told her, "I hate you, but you're a great mother." So then when you guys were finally separated, you told the green lawyer to draw up papers to steal me from her and declare her incompetent. Even though she found the papers after you were dead, she still underwent a massive exacerbation with the MS at the sheer thought of that. Thanks a heap for the parting gift!
And people wonder why I was scared of men for so many years and so shy and uptight. Surprise! I ended up making so many bad decisions with men and allowed one person in years ago who was essentially me working out my father issues. It makes me want to vomit when I think of that. It took me till I was 27 to find a good man, but guess what buddy, I did it. And he couldn't be less like you if he tried. He's everything perfect to me. He is so disgusted by you that he can't even pass by your picture in an album without wanting to destroy the hell out of it.
So now it was your birthday, and I thought I was over all this. Well, I'm not. 20 years later and I'm still crying like a traumatized girl on Thursday nights on a sofa. Yup, traumatized. I had my mother and my new life to help me transition into the next phase of growing up, but I still never dealt with these feelings. And you're lucky I'm not putting your full name and picture out in public. Maybe then someone from your family would randomly google you and finally give me the answers I've been longing for. But quite frankly, I'd rather put those pieces of my life together myself.
But maybe I'm also upset because I never got to have a childhood with my daddy. I have a few nice memories, but that's it. You were a handsome man and you could be funny when you wanted to be. You were into movies, music, and writing, which are all good qualities I got from you. Yes, I can actually find a couple! But I was forced to grow up so fast and be so timid. Everyone says I was the only person you ever actually loved. Ok. I can sorta believe that as I do believe part of this was mental illness and drugs. But why the hell would you abuse someone you supposedly loved?? I will never understand that.
I can "forgive" what you did to me, but I will never forgive what you did to my mommy. Never. You had amazing women willing to love you, and you completely threw it out the window and practically killed yourself while traumatizing and hurting them in the process. I can thank you for contributing to my conception, but that's about it.
Hope karma's kicking you in the ass.
Your only child,
Chrissi
Dear Dad,
That seems way too cozy. Too personal. After all, it's been 20 years since you died, and I only really ever called you Daddy. That was too good for you as well. When did you ever truly act like a daddy? Up till I was 5? Gee, thanks. Way to shape those formative years of my life.
Maybe I should just refer to you as Al. But Al was a so-called "man" who tortured the women in his immediate life. As Mom said, "Oh you're such a big man, Al. Beating up on your disabled wife and little girl...such a man."
When people ask about my biological father, I can casually say "Oh he died of a heart attack at 38. Oh, don't be sorry! It was a blessing in disguise." How can someone just cavalierly talk about their father being a piece of shit? Well it's easy when that father was you.
I had barely thought about you on your birthday until this year. June 23. I'm November 23. Easy to remember. You would have been 59 this year. When you died, you looked like you were that age. The Philly morgue freezer being broken didn't help matters much. Closed casket. Cremation. Barely any attendance. People really only showed up for me or to make sure you were actually dead. Then your "friends" and family completely ditched me. I've met that side twice, and I can barely remember them. I barely know my family history. Your parents were dead by the 70s and your sister never called until you died. I have an aunt who I wouldn't know if I fell over. We got a sympathy card from your aunt, titled "Dear M and 'daughter.'" Isn't it great to feel wanted? I have been shunned all because you were/are a piece of shit.
So naturally I mourned. I was 10 years old! What the hell do you expect. I knew that it was better that Daddy couldn't terrorize us anymore, but it was still my daddy. I would get beaten for wanting to play Nintendo, watch a movie, go to the circus...I can't even remember it all anymore. I just have a few distinct memories of you going into a rage because I did something totally innocent that you didn't like. I WAS A KID. A CHILD. YOUR LITTLE GIRL. Mom had to keep me so quiet when I was a baby because god forbid I wake you. I walked on eggshells before I could even walk.
We were barely allowed to see anyone. We were practically impoverished. Mom had to sleep on the couch for years while you got the room and bed all to yourself, even if you were working a night shift. You yelled at and beat on her more than anything. I saw you try to choke her. You took me to see your girlfriend and told me to lie to my own mother at freakin' 7. SHE WAS YOUR WIFE. DISABLED. THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD. You told her, "I hate you, but you're a great mother." So then when you guys were finally separated, you told the green lawyer to draw up papers to steal me from her and declare her incompetent. Even though she found the papers after you were dead, she still underwent a massive exacerbation with the MS at the sheer thought of that. Thanks a heap for the parting gift!
And people wonder why I was scared of men for so many years and so shy and uptight. Surprise! I ended up making so many bad decisions with men and allowed one person in years ago who was essentially me working out my father issues. It makes me want to vomit when I think of that. It took me till I was 27 to find a good man, but guess what buddy, I did it. And he couldn't be less like you if he tried. He's everything perfect to me. He is so disgusted by you that he can't even pass by your picture in an album without wanting to destroy the hell out of it.
So now it was your birthday, and I thought I was over all this. Well, I'm not. 20 years later and I'm still crying like a traumatized girl on Thursday nights on a sofa. Yup, traumatized. I had my mother and my new life to help me transition into the next phase of growing up, but I still never dealt with these feelings. And you're lucky I'm not putting your full name and picture out in public. Maybe then someone from your family would randomly google you and finally give me the answers I've been longing for. But quite frankly, I'd rather put those pieces of my life together myself.
But maybe I'm also upset because I never got to have a childhood with my daddy. I have a few nice memories, but that's it. You were a handsome man and you could be funny when you wanted to be. You were into movies, music, and writing, which are all good qualities I got from you. Yes, I can actually find a couple! But I was forced to grow up so fast and be so timid. Everyone says I was the only person you ever actually loved. Ok. I can sorta believe that as I do believe part of this was mental illness and drugs. But why the hell would you abuse someone you supposedly loved?? I will never understand that.
I can "forgive" what you did to me, but I will never forgive what you did to my mommy. Never. You had amazing women willing to love you, and you completely threw it out the window and practically killed yourself while traumatizing and hurting them in the process. I can thank you for contributing to my conception, but that's about it.
Hope karma's kicking you in the ass.
Your only child,
Chrissi
Friday, July 8, 2011
"With only so much time to spend, don't wanna waste the time I'm given..."
Dear Mom,
Well, another birthday. At this time last year, you had just gotten home from the hospital. It was an infection. Nothing major, just hit you a little harder than normal. We got takeout and watched Funny Girl, your favorite...ok, you watched it and I fell asleep. I'm sorry! I got tired! Actually, I was always tired. Now I'm on a more normal schedule. Today I was just restless and empty. I had sushi for dinner, something you absolutely hated. I watched Cupcake Wars on the DVR. Just a normal Friday night. It's so silent downstairs. We should be having ribs and I should be falling asleep during a Cary Grant movie. Instead I'm just having a typically indulgent "alone" night, and rather than enjoying the quiet, I'm hating it.
I miss your laugh. I miss your humor and your retorts. I miss you yelling at us to be quiet during the lottery numbers and where the Jeopardy contestants are from. I miss turning the channel to Entertainment Tonight to see the birthdays in between the final Jeopardy commercial, and I miss seeing what my tv bff Lara Spencer was wearing on The Insider. I miss you calling Niecy Nash and Elizabeth Hasselbeck bitches and telling jerky celebrities to go blow it out their ass. I miss you drooling over your favorite celebs and making sure you had certain programs on: Dancing With the Stars, House, The Mentalist, CSI NY, Ghost Whisperer, Medium (well, those two are no longer), and anything on TCM. We haven't turned on TCM in forever. I kinda miss Robert Osbourne. I was so sad when Meredith Viera left Today and Millionaire to take care of her MS afflicted husband, as I know it would have broken your heart for so many reasons. I miss showing you new Raul Esparza pix and clips of him speaking or singing. I miss making fun of some of your likes (Leno? Really?) and your weird crushes (Snoop Dogg? WTF??) and how you would bitch about some of my likes (I get Desperate Housewives, but How I Met Your Mother rules, shush!!!).
I don't miss seeing your hands shake. I don't miss having to wipe your eyes down after laughing too hard and then us bickering about how hard I'm doing it. I don't miss you slumping in the bed "to the other side of town" as Nanny described it. I don't miss having to tell you to keep drinking when you were dehydrated and then finding the bottle shoved under your bent arm because you couldn't get it back on the table. I don't miss having to feed you only because you took forever to chew, but I still feel the pangs of guilt because those remaining teeth had to be pulled. I don't miss wondering if you were going to remember to eat your dinner if I was actually going to be away during that time. I don't miss trying to find new ways to make opening containers and bags easier for you. I don't miss wondering if I was going to have to quit my job and stay home with you to avoid even more aides or have to work extra jobs just to afford more aides. I don't miss when your mind started getting a bit shaky and touchy. It wasn't too bad, but I could see it beginning. I don't miss having to tell you that no you can't get out of bed in the chair or hop in the shower. I don't miss your laundry having to be done every single day and the washer/dryer often crapping out because of this. I don't miss waking up to give you your pills because I didn't want you to be up at 3 or 4 in the morning. I don't miss not being able to stay away for 1+ days without having Nanny come to stay with you and then worrying about the two of you.
I don't miss any of this because it was inconvenient, no. I was watching you fade away, and it began a year ago. I tried so hard to deny it and to just find new ways of adjusting to your needs, but I'm not dumb. It was just too sad to even think of. And you were never in pain...it was so shocking when you died, but only because there was barely a complaint leading up to the event. I had more warnings than I realized, but I just didn't think it was going to be so damn fast.
But it's a blessing that it happened so damn fast. You got to be at home right until the night before, your mind was pretty solid for a severely chronically ill woman, and you got to know L. Oh thank god you got to know him. I know he misses you every day too. It's hard for him now...he may have been companionship for your last 6 months, but you were a companion for him too. You two bonded, and I am thankful for that. You approved and knew I'd be ok, that I was with one of the most compassionate and caring men ever and that I was finally happy and ready to start my life.
I should have started therapy 10 years ago...but she's been amazing, and I've really started coming to terms with so much in my past up through now. She thought it would help me to write a letter to you. I know she didn't intend for me to put it out in cyberspace, but I don't care. I have nothing to hide. You were my mother for 30 years, you were the most amazing woman I will ever know, and you are beloved now and forever. I refuse to let your memory fade and I have no shame in putting these feelings out there to the world. Now just don't smack me from beyond when I get my next tattoo in honor of you. :-p
I love you Mommy.
xoxoxo
Chrissi
Well, another birthday. At this time last year, you had just gotten home from the hospital. It was an infection. Nothing major, just hit you a little harder than normal. We got takeout and watched Funny Girl, your favorite...ok, you watched it and I fell asleep. I'm sorry! I got tired! Actually, I was always tired. Now I'm on a more normal schedule. Today I was just restless and empty. I had sushi for dinner, something you absolutely hated. I watched Cupcake Wars on the DVR. Just a normal Friday night. It's so silent downstairs. We should be having ribs and I should be falling asleep during a Cary Grant movie. Instead I'm just having a typically indulgent "alone" night, and rather than enjoying the quiet, I'm hating it.
I miss your laugh. I miss your humor and your retorts. I miss you yelling at us to be quiet during the lottery numbers and where the Jeopardy contestants are from. I miss turning the channel to Entertainment Tonight to see the birthdays in between the final Jeopardy commercial, and I miss seeing what my tv bff Lara Spencer was wearing on The Insider. I miss you calling Niecy Nash and Elizabeth Hasselbeck bitches and telling jerky celebrities to go blow it out their ass. I miss you drooling over your favorite celebs and making sure you had certain programs on: Dancing With the Stars, House, The Mentalist, CSI NY, Ghost Whisperer, Medium (well, those two are no longer), and anything on TCM. We haven't turned on TCM in forever. I kinda miss Robert Osbourne. I was so sad when Meredith Viera left Today and Millionaire to take care of her MS afflicted husband, as I know it would have broken your heart for so many reasons. I miss showing you new Raul Esparza pix and clips of him speaking or singing. I miss making fun of some of your likes (Leno? Really?) and your weird crushes (Snoop Dogg? WTF??) and how you would bitch about some of my likes (I get Desperate Housewives, but How I Met Your Mother rules, shush!!!).
I don't miss seeing your hands shake. I don't miss having to wipe your eyes down after laughing too hard and then us bickering about how hard I'm doing it. I don't miss you slumping in the bed "to the other side of town" as Nanny described it. I don't miss having to tell you to keep drinking when you were dehydrated and then finding the bottle shoved under your bent arm because you couldn't get it back on the table. I don't miss having to feed you only because you took forever to chew, but I still feel the pangs of guilt because those remaining teeth had to be pulled. I don't miss wondering if you were going to remember to eat your dinner if I was actually going to be away during that time. I don't miss trying to find new ways to make opening containers and bags easier for you. I don't miss wondering if I was going to have to quit my job and stay home with you to avoid even more aides or have to work extra jobs just to afford more aides. I don't miss when your mind started getting a bit shaky and touchy. It wasn't too bad, but I could see it beginning. I don't miss having to tell you that no you can't get out of bed in the chair or hop in the shower. I don't miss your laundry having to be done every single day and the washer/dryer often crapping out because of this. I don't miss waking up to give you your pills because I didn't want you to be up at 3 or 4 in the morning. I don't miss not being able to stay away for 1+ days without having Nanny come to stay with you and then worrying about the two of you.
I don't miss any of this because it was inconvenient, no. I was watching you fade away, and it began a year ago. I tried so hard to deny it and to just find new ways of adjusting to your needs, but I'm not dumb. It was just too sad to even think of. And you were never in pain...it was so shocking when you died, but only because there was barely a complaint leading up to the event. I had more warnings than I realized, but I just didn't think it was going to be so damn fast.
But it's a blessing that it happened so damn fast. You got to be at home right until the night before, your mind was pretty solid for a severely chronically ill woman, and you got to know L. Oh thank god you got to know him. I know he misses you every day too. It's hard for him now...he may have been companionship for your last 6 months, but you were a companion for him too. You two bonded, and I am thankful for that. You approved and knew I'd be ok, that I was with one of the most compassionate and caring men ever and that I was finally happy and ready to start my life.
I should have started therapy 10 years ago...but she's been amazing, and I've really started coming to terms with so much in my past up through now. She thought it would help me to write a letter to you. I know she didn't intend for me to put it out in cyberspace, but I don't care. I have nothing to hide. You were my mother for 30 years, you were the most amazing woman I will ever know, and you are beloved now and forever. I refuse to let your memory fade and I have no shame in putting these feelings out there to the world. Now just don't smack me from beyond when I get my next tattoo in honor of you. :-p
I love you Mommy.
xoxoxo
Chrissi
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)