Well, I haven't written in months, and I figure I should say a couple things before 2012 hits.
We're engaged!! I keep wanting to write about this, but so much has been taking up my time. He proposed the day before my birthday which is right before Thanksgiving. I had the week off, and it was amazing. So many friends and love....I couldn't ask for more. We are getting married in April (why waste time?), and I am just so excited. We are both throwing a lot of our energy into planning the wedding. Talk about the ultimate party!
Got my tattoo for my mom....I think I need more ink. I have 4, (technically had 5, one is a cover-up), and I really love marking such significant emotions and events in my life with art. I already know I'm finally getting my Cabaret tattoo with the simple lyric "Lady peaceful." I finally can ink that with confidence.
This vodka is starting to hit me (I don't imbibe often), so I should end it here before I start needing spellcheck. The guys are over and nerding out like they do best while I read the offbeat bride website and facebook. Happy New Year! Cannot wait for 2012. 2011 was better than 2010, but it still had a lot of suck.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
"Look at me, I'm the King of New York..."
Newsies was a crucial part of my early adolescence. I'm finally seeing it as a stage production tonight at Paper Mill Playhouse. It took 19 years for this to finally come to fruition, but I have mixed feelings. I'm thrilled that Harvey Fierstein wrote the book and that they're decreasing the Medda parts, increasing Spot Conlon's presence, and cutting out Sarah, but I just don't know if I'd be able to handle the other major changes. I almost feel like a bad fan. I've barely watched any of the new videos and have rolled my eyes over some of the changes. I know film and theatre are different mediums, but I think I'm allowed to be snobby and protective over something that saved me when I was a preteen misfit.
I was 11 years old when Newsies first came out in theatres. My mom and stepdad took me and my stepbrothers to see it, and it may sound cliche, but we were mesmerized. We immediately got the cassette soundtrack and spent our weekends dancing and singing to the score at the top of our lungs.
Shame you couldn't see my clumsy ass try to attempt the choreography. Hi-larious.
Bought a newsboy cap, the book, rented the video a ton of times when it finally came out. I even wrote to Disney and complained how there were no lyrics to follow. They sent me a note and an official copy of the lyrics. That's one of the coolest thing Disney has ever done in my life, no joke.
Mind you, I was becoming obsessed with Max Casella before seeing the movie, and his portrayal of Racetrack clinched the crazy. I used to collect every picture humanly possible (a daunting task when NPH was the star), and I put them in a little plastic pouch and slept with them. Yes, you read that correctly. I taped episodes of Doogie Howser, doodled his name everywhere, and practically wrote fanfic. I'm sorry, Doog and Vin were one of the HoYay bromance pioneers. HE FILMED HIM IN THE SHOWER.
Newsies also brought the bromance. I can't even begin to list all the moments, perhaps that should be a separate post. So many of the guys didn't find fame beyond a few more movies or the show Roundhouse. (miss it, bring it to DVD!) We all know what Christian Bale's been up to, let's consult IMDB for a rundown of some of the others.
David Moscow (David): I never liked this douche even back during Big. He's just got such a goody two shoes smarm about him that makes me want to smack that dorky smile off his face. Wait. That IMDB pic is kinda hot....and he seemed really sweet and dare I say cute at the Paper Mill Newsies fan day...Shit.
Luke Edwards (Les): Ok, not fair. NOT FAIR. How is little Les the hottest of them all now? Hold up, he's my age? Ok, now I don't feel so gross. Wait, I was that little in 1991?! His movie Little Big League was cute.
Gabriel Damon (Spot Conlon): Yum yum, gimme some. I only really remember him from that episode of The Commish, and I fuh-reaked at the time. "Never fear, Brooklyn is here!"
Max Casella (Racetrack): I've had many chances to see him in shows in NYC, and I always chicken out. I think I'm terrified of him. Or at least of having my illusion of him ruined.
Marty Belafsky (Crutchy): Did we really think he'd look any different all grown up?
Aaron Lohr (Mush): I saw him in the off-Broadway show Bare years ago. He was never really my type.
Trey Parker (Kid Blink): When South Park premiered years ago, my exact thought was "Kid Blink started a cartoon?!?!" Different person, but this guy was one of my favorite newsies.
Bill Pullman (Denton): Love him!! I saw him in the Broadway show The Goat, and he was positively mesmerizing.
Shon Greenblatt (Oscar Delancey): I saw him at a Monster Mania horror con (for Nightmare on Elm St 5). Somehow I didn't think he'd appreciate me running over and fangirling over Newsies. Now I see that he went to the musical premiere with his son and was awesome...and I regret my missed opportunity.
Mark David (Specs): I had to put him in b/c he was my mom's favorite. I grew to appreciate the nerdy delight as well.
Michael Goorjian (Skittery): I didn't realize he made it big! Good for him. I found him attractive in that tight pink shirt.
Apparently I didn't follow this movie as closely as I thought, at least during the internet era. Many of the cast members were bored on set and made a 25 minute short film called Blood Drips Heavily on Newsies Square. It's actually very creative and well made. The short is primarily an exercise in young guys cursing up a storm while having "Don Knotts" commit murder because he didn't get a part in the movie. It is hi-f'n-larious. Really gives you a new view of all the Newsies (some more graphic than others....), and I highly recommend that every fan should see it.
(That's Lucy Boryer, or Janine from Doogie Howser, as the reporter. She and Max Casella were together in real life. Watch his 10 minute interview on the Doogie S2 DVD- it's worth it once you can get past the porn stache.)
The Newsies Lovers website is awesome and hilarious. Her "Why I Hate Sarah" link alone is worth the visit. She did all the hard work with these screen caps, and I just have to post a few.
Pelvic thrusting into my young impressionable mind...sigh.
Two for a penny....
Chills, y'all.
I'm sorry, Jack totally wanted the younger Delancey.
"What are we supposed to do to the bums, kiss 'em??"
If this turns you on, I can't imagine how you'd react to her as Kitten With a Whip.
Look at that earnest asshole. Jack's all sweaty yum and he's a buttoned up tool. With pretty eyes....Shit.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
"Stand up, kneel, sit down, stand up, kneel, sit down, stand up, kneel, sit down, Stand up, Kneel, Sit down... Genuflect today!"
It was my grandmother's 83rd birthday this week, so I told her I'd go to church with her as part of her gift. That may sound cheap to some, but it means the world to my grandmother. She grew up Protestant, married someone whose father was Jewish, and she's had a predominately Jewish last name for the last 50-some years. About 10 years ago, she decided she wanted to be buried Catholic. Catholicism always fascinated her, but she didn't have the time to fully convert (she worked up till she was nearly 80). She went to Adoration every week for 7 years to quietly sit and pray, but no one knew she wasn't Catholic until she asked about the conversion process. She officially became Catholic on Easter Saturday 2007, and the church has become a huge part of her life.
What I like is that her personal beliefs about the world hasn't changed due to her religious awakening. She describes this as putting herself in the hands of the Lord. My grandmother has finally found peace, acceptance of her life, and a purpose. She is so heavily involved in all aspects of her church, and she has been a sponsor/godmother 5 times. Many of these people (ranging in age from late 20s to 70s) have become dear friends to her. A good portion of them came to my mother's funeral to support us despite having never met her, which greatly touched me. She truly has a wonderful and warm parish. I love how she always ends up hanging out with people not much older than me. My grandmother is just so youthful and brassy and fun, and everyone wants to hang with her. It gives me peace knowing that she is watched over despite me being an hour away.
I told her I wanted to come with her because hey, it's a huge part of her life, I want to take an interest, and I wanted to get to know the people she's so close with. They knew I was not about to be converted, and they respect my beliefs. And I do respect theirs. I have been to services at all different phases of my life, and it has never hooked me. I just don't care for the rituals and beliefs in any religion. Yet, I did enjoy the homily. She wasn't kidding about her priest being an engaging speaker who really makes things relevant to the modern world. Otherwise, I was bored out of my mind. I ended up having to stay with her for a meeting and a class that she didn't realize was occurring today. It reminded me a lot of my Catholic school days (1st and 2nd gr only, never got confirmed), and I was really getting antsy. However, I made a promise, and I fulfilled it charmingly. But that's something I can't really do more than once a year!
I have always loved this Emily Dickinson poem:
Some Keep the Sabbath Going to Church
Be a good person. Keep your beliefs true. Know that you don't necessarily have to follow ritual in order to find your "next great adventure" as my grandmother describes it. But if that makes you feel right, then there's nothing wrong with that. Just keep hate from your heart and actions. That's my true spiritual belief.
What I like is that her personal beliefs about the world hasn't changed due to her religious awakening. She describes this as putting herself in the hands of the Lord. My grandmother has finally found peace, acceptance of her life, and a purpose. She is so heavily involved in all aspects of her church, and she has been a sponsor/godmother 5 times. Many of these people (ranging in age from late 20s to 70s) have become dear friends to her. A good portion of them came to my mother's funeral to support us despite having never met her, which greatly touched me. She truly has a wonderful and warm parish. I love how she always ends up hanging out with people not much older than me. My grandmother is just so youthful and brassy and fun, and everyone wants to hang with her. It gives me peace knowing that she is watched over despite me being an hour away.
I told her I wanted to come with her because hey, it's a huge part of her life, I want to take an interest, and I wanted to get to know the people she's so close with. They knew I was not about to be converted, and they respect my beliefs. And I do respect theirs. I have been to services at all different phases of my life, and it has never hooked me. I just don't care for the rituals and beliefs in any religion. Yet, I did enjoy the homily. She wasn't kidding about her priest being an engaging speaker who really makes things relevant to the modern world. Otherwise, I was bored out of my mind. I ended up having to stay with her for a meeting and a class that she didn't realize was occurring today. It reminded me a lot of my Catholic school days (1st and 2nd gr only, never got confirmed), and I was really getting antsy. However, I made a promise, and I fulfilled it charmingly. But that's something I can't really do more than once a year!
I have always loved this Emily Dickinson poem:
Some Keep the Sabbath Going to Church
Some keep the Sabbath going to Church –
I keep it, staying at Home –
With a Bobolink for a Chorister –
And an Orchard, for a Dome –
Some keep the Sabbath in Surplice –
I, just wear my Wings –
And instead of tolling the Bell, for Church,
Our little Sexton – sings.
God preaches, a noted Clergyman –
And the sermon is never long,
So instead of getting to Heaven, at last –
I’m going, all along.
Be a good person. Keep your beliefs true. Know that you don't necessarily have to follow ritual in order to find your "next great adventure" as my grandmother describes it. But if that makes you feel right, then there's nothing wrong with that. Just keep hate from your heart and actions. That's my true spiritual belief.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
"And Osiris, and the gods of the Nile gathered up a big storm, to blow a hurricane, to scatter us away..."
The big news on the East Coast this week is the weather. Earthquake, Hurricane Irene, tornado watch...yeah, we're not getting off easy! After work this morning, L and I have been sitting in front of the TV all day. The 2nd tornado update was too much, so we're just wide awake, following news up to the minute online, and playing video games.
This week of natural disasters has been much more peaceful. When we used to have things like power outages or threat of horrible weather, I always used to worry about Mom. What if there was a true emergency and an ambulance couldn't make it? I just realized today on the FEMA website that there are all these disaster guides for mobile and immobile people. Now, even thought it doesn't matter anymore, I feel horrible for not having a backup plan in place for Mom when she was alive. I never thought about hurricanes or tornadoes because they are so infrequent in this area. We don't live near water, and we don't have a basement, so we're pretty lucky. In regards to tornadoes, I figured I would just push her bed about 5 feet closer to the middle of the house and jump on top of her with the foldout bed mattress. In regards to possible fire, I figured my adrenaline would be through the roof, and that I would push her bed right out the damn front door, no matter how much I'd end up tearing off the side wall. But I never thought about possible evacuation...dear god, can you imagine?
I remember being a little girl and living in the second floor of our tiny duplex. Mom sprung right into action when there was a bad storm. My father was usually at work, so it was just the two of us. She would grab me and hold me as we sat with our backs against the front door. It was the midpoint of the house so we were as far away from windows as possible and against a sturdy door. Getting to the basement would have been too risky, though we had a neighbor across the street whose house was struck by lightning. Sometimes I was scared, sometimes I thought it was fun. No matter what, she kept holding me, talking with me about it, made me laugh, and just gave me the support we needed to get through the hour or so on the floor. She was just such a wonderful mother, and I don't think I fully appreciated that as a child. Then again, who really does until they get older?
I know I shouldn't beat myself up over this. I should just remember how compassionate and loving she was with me and apply that to any future child we have.
Still, I don't mind having an excuse to hunker down with pizza, donuts, Mario, and movies. When else do we almost have permission to be lazy bums?
This week of natural disasters has been much more peaceful. When we used to have things like power outages or threat of horrible weather, I always used to worry about Mom. What if there was a true emergency and an ambulance couldn't make it? I just realized today on the FEMA website that there are all these disaster guides for mobile and immobile people. Now, even thought it doesn't matter anymore, I feel horrible for not having a backup plan in place for Mom when she was alive. I never thought about hurricanes or tornadoes because they are so infrequent in this area. We don't live near water, and we don't have a basement, so we're pretty lucky. In regards to tornadoes, I figured I would just push her bed about 5 feet closer to the middle of the house and jump on top of her with the foldout bed mattress. In regards to possible fire, I figured my adrenaline would be through the roof, and that I would push her bed right out the damn front door, no matter how much I'd end up tearing off the side wall. But I never thought about possible evacuation...dear god, can you imagine?
I remember being a little girl and living in the second floor of our tiny duplex. Mom sprung right into action when there was a bad storm. My father was usually at work, so it was just the two of us. She would grab me and hold me as we sat with our backs against the front door. It was the midpoint of the house so we were as far away from windows as possible and against a sturdy door. Getting to the basement would have been too risky, though we had a neighbor across the street whose house was struck by lightning. Sometimes I was scared, sometimes I thought it was fun. No matter what, she kept holding me, talking with me about it, made me laugh, and just gave me the support we needed to get through the hour or so on the floor. She was just such a wonderful mother, and I don't think I fully appreciated that as a child. Then again, who really does until they get older?
I know I shouldn't beat myself up over this. I should just remember how compassionate and loving she was with me and apply that to any future child we have.
Still, I don't mind having an excuse to hunker down with pizza, donuts, Mario, and movies. When else do we almost have permission to be lazy bums?
Sunday, August 14, 2011
"Say hello to your friends..."
While perusing the web over the past few years, I noticed that there are a lot of nostalgia blogs, especially for childhood books. I have spent hours on end reading through these entries and commiserating. It feels good to know that you're not the only one who has mulled over certain plots or noticed continuity issues or just really really wanted to strangle some characters. If only you guys were around while I was 8-12!
I started reading at 2 and read everything I could get my hands on. By age 6, I was reading Judy Blume who became a personal writing hero for me. I got piles of books from the library, ordered from the book club slips that would come around in elementary school, went to book fairs, got books for my birthday and Christmas...nothing made me happier. I even won the MS Read-a-thon in 5th grade. Being able to do charity work for my mother's illness by reading? Perfection.
Naturally, being a young girl in the 80s, I was obsessed with the Baby-Sitters Club. I ordered them in 3's from the book club in 2nd grade ('88). My first was Boy-Crazy Stacey, then Claudia and Mean Janine, and Kristy's Big Day. I got Dawn and the Impossible Three and Kristy's Big Idea separately, and then I finally filled in Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls, The Truth About Stacey, and Mary Anne Saves the Day. I got Logan Likes Mary Anne! and took The Ghost at Dawn's House, Kristy and the Snobs, and Claudia and the New Girl from the library. I got Goodbye Stacey, Goodbye and was heartbroken. Then I started getting the books regularly as they came out (along with the Super Specials), with only a few from the library. By book 60, Mary Anne's Makeover, I was just done. I couldn't understand why the girls were so rude to her, and I had moved on to Stephen King by that point anyway. I didn't know what a ghost writer was, but I did notice that Ann M Martin was "gratefully" acknowledging manuscript preparation quite often.
Reading other people's blogs gave me the incentive to raid thrift stores, flea markets, and used on Amazon for books. The chain of thrift stores by me sells paperbacks for $.35, and I often leave there with at least four. I just filled in my gaps for BSC #1-13, and I am ready to cry with happiness. Those were the best years. That's when Ann M Martin really gave her all and created such thoughtful and fun books. I didn't mind Mallory and Jessi, but Stacey was my favorite and I missed her. Welcome Back, Stacey! made this young girl so happy. My mother always complained about Chapter 2 and the typical setup and description of the club members, but I loved reading all the clothing descriptions. Now I just gloss past it, as it really did get lazy. I never made it to when Dawn moved back to CA or when Abby joined, but I just picked up the book about Abby's bat mitzvah. She seemed like a character I would have related to. I don't tend to pick up too many of the books from the time period I didn't read unless they seem pivotal or interesting.
Don't get me wrong, I've been picking up plenty of other non-BSC books as well. My copy of Are You There God? It's Me Margaret is completely tattered, and I found my exact edition from 1986. Joy! I found The Pig-out Blues, a book I have been searching for over 15 years for. I found some more Sleepover Friends and giggled at the Sweet Valley Twins. I found old Christopher Pike, Fear Street, and old library books. One of my greatest finds was the same hardback cover of Anastasia on Her Own that I had gotten from the library. I wish Anastasia Krupnik was my best friend. Those books still have me laughing at 30 years old, perhaps even more so 22 years later. I even looked just like her!
I just read The Ghost at Dawn's House this morning, and I can't believe it's been at least 20 years since I've read it. It felt like yesterday! It felt comforting and warm. I plan on reorganizing my 80s-early 90s books in my shelf proudly and starting to blog more frequently about them. They won't be all BSC, trust me. I plan on definitely doing the first 13 and selective ones after that (probably mostly Stacey and Claudia). And there will be nothing about the Little Sister series here, I HATED Karen Brewer.
One series I feel is sorely forgotten is the Who Killed Peggy Sue series by Eileen Goudge. I have all 4 and will be having some fun with those! I swear they capitalized on Twin Peaks with that series in 1991.
Eee, I'm all excited. I have intended for this blog to be a mixture of topics for a long time now, and old YA lit is a big passion of mine!
I started reading at 2 and read everything I could get my hands on. By age 6, I was reading Judy Blume who became a personal writing hero for me. I got piles of books from the library, ordered from the book club slips that would come around in elementary school, went to book fairs, got books for my birthday and Christmas...nothing made me happier. I even won the MS Read-a-thon in 5th grade. Being able to do charity work for my mother's illness by reading? Perfection.
Naturally, being a young girl in the 80s, I was obsessed with the Baby-Sitters Club. I ordered them in 3's from the book club in 2nd grade ('88). My first was Boy-Crazy Stacey, then Claudia and Mean Janine, and Kristy's Big Day. I got Dawn and the Impossible Three and Kristy's Big Idea separately, and then I finally filled in Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls, The Truth About Stacey, and Mary Anne Saves the Day. I got Logan Likes Mary Anne! and took The Ghost at Dawn's House, Kristy and the Snobs, and Claudia and the New Girl from the library. I got Goodbye Stacey, Goodbye and was heartbroken. Then I started getting the books regularly as they came out (along with the Super Specials), with only a few from the library. By book 60, Mary Anne's Makeover, I was just done. I couldn't understand why the girls were so rude to her, and I had moved on to Stephen King by that point anyway. I didn't know what a ghost writer was, but I did notice that Ann M Martin was "gratefully" acknowledging manuscript preparation quite often.
Reading other people's blogs gave me the incentive to raid thrift stores, flea markets, and used on Amazon for books. The chain of thrift stores by me sells paperbacks for $.35, and I often leave there with at least four. I just filled in my gaps for BSC #1-13, and I am ready to cry with happiness. Those were the best years. That's when Ann M Martin really gave her all and created such thoughtful and fun books. I didn't mind Mallory and Jessi, but Stacey was my favorite and I missed her. Welcome Back, Stacey! made this young girl so happy. My mother always complained about Chapter 2 and the typical setup and description of the club members, but I loved reading all the clothing descriptions. Now I just gloss past it, as it really did get lazy. I never made it to when Dawn moved back to CA or when Abby joined, but I just picked up the book about Abby's bat mitzvah. She seemed like a character I would have related to. I don't tend to pick up too many of the books from the time period I didn't read unless they seem pivotal or interesting.
Don't get me wrong, I've been picking up plenty of other non-BSC books as well. My copy of Are You There God? It's Me Margaret is completely tattered, and I found my exact edition from 1986. Joy! I found The Pig-out Blues, a book I have been searching for over 15 years for. I found some more Sleepover Friends and giggled at the Sweet Valley Twins. I found old Christopher Pike, Fear Street, and old library books. One of my greatest finds was the same hardback cover of Anastasia on Her Own that I had gotten from the library. I wish Anastasia Krupnik was my best friend. Those books still have me laughing at 30 years old, perhaps even more so 22 years later. I even looked just like her!
I just read The Ghost at Dawn's House this morning, and I can't believe it's been at least 20 years since I've read it. It felt like yesterday! It felt comforting and warm. I plan on reorganizing my 80s-early 90s books in my shelf proudly and starting to blog more frequently about them. They won't be all BSC, trust me. I plan on definitely doing the first 13 and selective ones after that (probably mostly Stacey and Claudia). And there will be nothing about the Little Sister series here, I HATED Karen Brewer.
One series I feel is sorely forgotten is the Who Killed Peggy Sue series by Eileen Goudge. I have all 4 and will be having some fun with those! I swear they capitalized on Twin Peaks with that series in 1991.
Eee, I'm all excited. I have intended for this blog to be a mixture of topics for a long time now, and old YA lit is a big passion of mine!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
"Don't you think I know exactly where I stand..."
I don't get into much detail about my political beliefs with anybody besides my close friends and family. I feel that no one should be ashamed to express themselves, but I just don't always enjoy heated conversations. I also feel like I don't follow current events thoroughly enough in order to hold a good debate. However, I have no problem speaking about women's rights.
Fox ‘Expert’ Blasts Expanding Access To Birth Control: ‘Are We Going To Do Pedicures And Manicures As Well?’
Reading this article enraged me to the point that I am just laying my beliefs out on the table.
I am a humanist. I believe that both genders should be equal and loved and that we should treat others the way we want to be treated.
I believe in peace. I don't care for war whatsoever, but I support those who are brave and selfless to go fight for us.
I don't believe in organized religion. I went through 3 sacraments before being pulled out of Catholic school. My family is comprised of Catholicism, Judaism, and Protestantism. I used to be agnostic, but I'm starting to realize there is something stronger out there beyond our comprehension. I believe in evolution and consider myself to be spiritual. I believe in love, balance, and karma.
I am a Democrat. While the majority of my beliefs are liberal, I do hold a few moderate beliefs. I strongly believe in civil rights for all and keeping religion separate. Believe whatever you choose, just don't hurt anyone or force others to follow those beliefs. Give people the opportunity to choose their paths in life.
I believe in gay marriage and adoption. Marriage is a beautiful contract that is not necessarily sacred. Are those quickie chapel Vegas weddings sacred? And who's to say that LGBT people aren't allowed to be recognized in the eyes of God? No Bible passages please, that is not the end-all be-all of religion.
I feel that America hasn't strayed far from its Puritan roots. Of course we can punish "promiscuous" women (but not men) and not show sex or nudity on TV (but graphic violence is just fine). And don't get me started on rape jokes or usage of the word as an everyday verb. It's not funny when applied to either gender.
I strongly hold a pro-choice position. Don't tell me how to manage my uterus in the first trimester or in a matter of saving my life, and I sure as hell won't tell you how to manage yours. That's all there is to it.
I fully believe in sex education. Anyone who thinks that teenagers aren't going to engage in fooling around is really blind. Anyone who thinks that women are "asking for it" need a sound smacking. Birth control is a way to ensure that unwanted pregnancies get cut down. Before you can say "adoption," think of all those kids who get shuttled between foster homes (sometimes abusive) because there aren't enough people able or willing to adopt. Some people may choose to blow off the education, but that is their choice.
I think birth control should be the responsibility of both sexual parties. It takes two to tango, as the cliche goes. Mistakes happen, and peoples' lives shouldn't have to be changed forever for that. I am not going to bring a child into this world on my current income. That's unnecessary and unfair to the child and our family. Therefore, consistent birth control is used so we know we did our best to prevent something we're not ready for. That's my choice.
In this link, the especially heinous points made by Fox "anti-birth control expert" Sandy Rios are conveniently highlighted. Let's take a look at what this "expert" has to say:
"We’re $14 trillion in debt and now we’re going to cover birth control, breast pumps, counseling for abuse? Are we going to do pedicures and manicures as well?”
Yeah, I equate getting my toes buffed and polished to BASIC WOMEN'S NEEDS. Is this lady for real? Is she just trying to be the next sound byte? Is she trying to join the ranks of Ann Coulter, Sarah Palin, and Michelle Bachmann? Making sure your newborn child is fed is totally on the level of cosmetics, amIright? Oh, and how dare battered and violated women be counseled! What a selfish thing for a women to even consider! Mental scarring is absolutely nothing! Women are just weak creatures who should just man the hell up and get through it, yes?
I swear, this woman has raised my blood pressure with just two questions.
“Why in the world would you encourage your daughters, and your granddaughters, and whoever else comes behind you to have unrestricted, unlimited sex anytime, anywhere and that, somehow if you prevent pregnancy, that somehow you’ve helped them. I would submit to you that uncontrolled sexual behavior is what is harming our girls, not our lack of birth control — which by the way they don’t seem interested in taking anyway. Having a baby is not the worst thing. I think having multiple sex partners without any kind of restraint or responsibility is much more damning, why would you support that?”
Name me one good parent who encourages their young daughters (and sons, hello!) to have unlimited sex. Teenagers need education. We're not throwing condoms and packs of pills at them while saying "Go crazy, you younguns!" We live in a sexually saturated society, and times have changed. Kids are having sex younger and younger, and I'm not an advocate of that. Enjoy your childhood! And as you start having more urges and desires, learn how to be protected and safe whenever that time comes! I sure as hell won't be "encouraging" my future child to have sex, but I will make sure they receive education. A lot of poorer areas either don't have the education or don't have the funds for consistent birth control. Reproductive health care should be an essential part of health care coverage for everyone.
Having a baby is not the worst thing? How many children does she have, and when did she lose her virginity? I'm serious! I would like to know what her background is and what makes her so justified in making a blanket statement like that. Babies, while glorious for those who want them and are ready, are a lifelong commitment. Her saying that sounds like she supports teenage pregnancy! So you'd rather say boo to free birth control but yay to more young parents on welfare? Should we be telling teenagers from poor families that it's fine to have babies? I think the birth control will be just a tad cheaper. We should have the choice to be prescribed free birth control or to keep an unexpected pregnancy.
Here's my favorite statement!
“In Red China, they have this down to a science. The local health care centers make women come in every month to be examined to see if they’ve had their cycle to make sure they are taking their medication and if they have a baby they are roundly punished, if they have an extra baby that baby is aborted. That is the control we’re moving toward.”
What century are we in again? We're moving towards "Red" China medical practices? No one informed me! I didn't realize there was going to be a dictatorship ruling my period and forcing medication down my throat. And hold up, so they now support abortion? I'm so confused! First she says that we have to avoid birth control but now we should work towards tyrannically implementing it and then aborting any "extra" babies? Charming. Don't you just love the consistency in her ideology?
Look, we're not all going to have the same beliefs. But having such hateful ideas for how women's bodies should be treated really upsets me, especially when so many women are coming out of the woodwork with these beliefs. Why are our bodies still being treated as irrelevant when it comes to health coverage?
Here's one of the many jaw dropping quotes from Ann Coulter:
"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it's the party of women and 'We'll pay for health care and tuition and day care -- and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?'"
If you want a starting point to find out more about birth control and ways to get involved, please visit the wonderful Planned Parenthood website. Make sure Coulter never gets that pipe dream of hers.
Fox ‘Expert’ Blasts Expanding Access To Birth Control: ‘Are We Going To Do Pedicures And Manicures As Well?’
Reading this article enraged me to the point that I am just laying my beliefs out on the table.
I am a humanist. I believe that both genders should be equal and loved and that we should treat others the way we want to be treated.
I believe in peace. I don't care for war whatsoever, but I support those who are brave and selfless to go fight for us.
I don't believe in organized religion. I went through 3 sacraments before being pulled out of Catholic school. My family is comprised of Catholicism, Judaism, and Protestantism. I used to be agnostic, but I'm starting to realize there is something stronger out there beyond our comprehension. I believe in evolution and consider myself to be spiritual. I believe in love, balance, and karma.
I am a Democrat. While the majority of my beliefs are liberal, I do hold a few moderate beliefs. I strongly believe in civil rights for all and keeping religion separate. Believe whatever you choose, just don't hurt anyone or force others to follow those beliefs. Give people the opportunity to choose their paths in life.
I believe in gay marriage and adoption. Marriage is a beautiful contract that is not necessarily sacred. Are those quickie chapel Vegas weddings sacred? And who's to say that LGBT people aren't allowed to be recognized in the eyes of God? No Bible passages please, that is not the end-all be-all of religion.
I feel that America hasn't strayed far from its Puritan roots. Of course we can punish "promiscuous" women (but not men) and not show sex or nudity on TV (but graphic violence is just fine). And don't get me started on rape jokes or usage of the word as an everyday verb. It's not funny when applied to either gender.
I strongly hold a pro-choice position. Don't tell me how to manage my uterus in the first trimester or in a matter of saving my life, and I sure as hell won't tell you how to manage yours. That's all there is to it.
I fully believe in sex education. Anyone who thinks that teenagers aren't going to engage in fooling around is really blind. Anyone who thinks that women are "asking for it" need a sound smacking. Birth control is a way to ensure that unwanted pregnancies get cut down. Before you can say "adoption," think of all those kids who get shuttled between foster homes (sometimes abusive) because there aren't enough people able or willing to adopt. Some people may choose to blow off the education, but that is their choice.
I think birth control should be the responsibility of both sexual parties. It takes two to tango, as the cliche goes. Mistakes happen, and peoples' lives shouldn't have to be changed forever for that. I am not going to bring a child into this world on my current income. That's unnecessary and unfair to the child and our family. Therefore, consistent birth control is used so we know we did our best to prevent something we're not ready for. That's my choice.
In this link, the especially heinous points made by Fox "anti-birth control expert" Sandy Rios are conveniently highlighted. Let's take a look at what this "expert" has to say:
"We’re $14 trillion in debt and now we’re going to cover birth control, breast pumps, counseling for abuse? Are we going to do pedicures and manicures as well?”
Yeah, I equate getting my toes buffed and polished to BASIC WOMEN'S NEEDS. Is this lady for real? Is she just trying to be the next sound byte? Is she trying to join the ranks of Ann Coulter, Sarah Palin, and Michelle Bachmann? Making sure your newborn child is fed is totally on the level of cosmetics, amIright? Oh, and how dare battered and violated women be counseled! What a selfish thing for a women to even consider! Mental scarring is absolutely nothing! Women are just weak creatures who should just man the hell up and get through it, yes?
I swear, this woman has raised my blood pressure with just two questions.
“Why in the world would you encourage your daughters, and your granddaughters, and whoever else comes behind you to have unrestricted, unlimited sex anytime, anywhere and that, somehow if you prevent pregnancy, that somehow you’ve helped them. I would submit to you that uncontrolled sexual behavior is what is harming our girls, not our lack of birth control — which by the way they don’t seem interested in taking anyway. Having a baby is not the worst thing. I think having multiple sex partners without any kind of restraint or responsibility is much more damning, why would you support that?”
Name me one good parent who encourages their young daughters (and sons, hello!) to have unlimited sex. Teenagers need education. We're not throwing condoms and packs of pills at them while saying "Go crazy, you younguns!" We live in a sexually saturated society, and times have changed. Kids are having sex younger and younger, and I'm not an advocate of that. Enjoy your childhood! And as you start having more urges and desires, learn how to be protected and safe whenever that time comes! I sure as hell won't be "encouraging" my future child to have sex, but I will make sure they receive education. A lot of poorer areas either don't have the education or don't have the funds for consistent birth control. Reproductive health care should be an essential part of health care coverage for everyone.
Having a baby is not the worst thing? How many children does she have, and when did she lose her virginity? I'm serious! I would like to know what her background is and what makes her so justified in making a blanket statement like that. Babies, while glorious for those who want them and are ready, are a lifelong commitment. Her saying that sounds like she supports teenage pregnancy! So you'd rather say boo to free birth control but yay to more young parents on welfare? Should we be telling teenagers from poor families that it's fine to have babies? I think the birth control will be just a tad cheaper. We should have the choice to be prescribed free birth control or to keep an unexpected pregnancy.
Here's my favorite statement!
“In Red China, they have this down to a science. The local health care centers make women come in every month to be examined to see if they’ve had their cycle to make sure they are taking their medication and if they have a baby they are roundly punished, if they have an extra baby that baby is aborted. That is the control we’re moving toward.”
What century are we in again? We're moving towards "Red" China medical practices? No one informed me! I didn't realize there was going to be a dictatorship ruling my period and forcing medication down my throat. And hold up, so they now support abortion? I'm so confused! First she says that we have to avoid birth control but now we should work towards tyrannically implementing it and then aborting any "extra" babies? Charming. Don't you just love the consistency in her ideology?
Look, we're not all going to have the same beliefs. But having such hateful ideas for how women's bodies should be treated really upsets me, especially when so many women are coming out of the woodwork with these beliefs. Why are our bodies still being treated as irrelevant when it comes to health coverage?
Here's one of the many jaw dropping quotes from Ann Coulter:
"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it's the party of women and 'We'll pay for health care and tuition and day care -- and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?'"
If you want a starting point to find out more about birth control and ways to get involved, please visit the wonderful Planned Parenthood website. Make sure Coulter never gets that pipe dream of hers.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
"Hand me your Stella and fly"
It's funny how life is just so damn good on the chill weekends. Worked in the morning on Saturday and then hung all day with my bestie and her 8 month old. Today L and I went to IHOP in the morning and then went to see Captain America (my first time, his second on opening weekend!). For the record, I loved it. I totally get why he's all about the legacy. I agree with him and his friends when they said this should be the kind of movie where you feel propelled to stand up and salute the screen at the end. Chris Evans was seriously excellent as Steve Rogers. We did some shopping (new hot dresses, wooo!), came home, and played a new video game. Well, he played while I messed around on the laptop.
Now it's time for bed and yet another weekend has flown by. Yet, despite all the action going on, it was surprisingly chill. I love that, and I hate how it's yet another week beginning tomorrow. However, I only have a 3 day week because I'm taking a mini-vaca. Wooooohoo!
I intend to write more in this blog. And yes, it will be more light-hearted than the last two posts (my friend said I should have a waaaaaaa-waaaaaahhh sound wav when you enter the site), but sometimes I need to get emotions like that out. It's healthy and necessary. And some days I just want to chat about my day or pick apart a good book or movie.
Right now, music is on my mind. I'm so sad about Amy Winehouse's death, but I don't feel a need to write about it. I just want to go immerse myself in her Back to Black album like I used to do years ago. She was truly amazing, and the current music industry is poorer for not having her talent.
However, I will have a need to write about Lady Gaga's absolutely perfect new album. I am officially a little monster. Stay tuned!
Now it's time for bed and yet another weekend has flown by. Yet, despite all the action going on, it was surprisingly chill. I love that, and I hate how it's yet another week beginning tomorrow. However, I only have a 3 day week because I'm taking a mini-vaca. Wooooohoo!
I intend to write more in this blog. And yes, it will be more light-hearted than the last two posts (my friend said I should have a waaaaaaa-waaaaaahhh sound wav when you enter the site), but sometimes I need to get emotions like that out. It's healthy and necessary. And some days I just want to chat about my day or pick apart a good book or movie.
Right now, music is on my mind. I'm so sad about Amy Winehouse's death, but I don't feel a need to write about it. I just want to go immerse myself in her Back to Black album like I used to do years ago. She was truly amazing, and the current music industry is poorer for not having her talent.
However, I will have a need to write about Lady Gaga's absolutely perfect new album. I am officially a little monster. Stay tuned!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
"Father of mine, tell me what do you see, when you look back at your wasted life and you don't see me."
Note...this couldn't be more different than the last letter entry. This is me in the middle of working out a lot of issues. Writing in my blog is therapeutic, and I have no shame in anyone reading this. I do not expect comments. I just want people to know the truth.
Dear Dad,
That seems way too cozy. Too personal. After all, it's been 20 years since you died, and I only really ever called you Daddy. That was too good for you as well. When did you ever truly act like a daddy? Up till I was 5? Gee, thanks. Way to shape those formative years of my life.
Maybe I should just refer to you as Al. But Al was a so-called "man" who tortured the women in his immediate life. As Mom said, "Oh you're such a big man, Al. Beating up on your disabled wife and little girl...such a man."
When people ask about my biological father, I can casually say "Oh he died of a heart attack at 38. Oh, don't be sorry! It was a blessing in disguise." How can someone just cavalierly talk about their father being a piece of shit? Well it's easy when that father was you.
I had barely thought about you on your birthday until this year. June 23. I'm November 23. Easy to remember. You would have been 59 this year. When you died, you looked like you were that age. The Philly morgue freezer being broken didn't help matters much. Closed casket. Cremation. Barely any attendance. People really only showed up for me or to make sure you were actually dead. Then your "friends" and family completely ditched me. I've met that side twice, and I can barely remember them. I barely know my family history. Your parents were dead by the 70s and your sister never called until you died. I have an aunt who I wouldn't know if I fell over. We got a sympathy card from your aunt, titled "Dear M and 'daughter.'" Isn't it great to feel wanted? I have been shunned all because you were/are a piece of shit.
So naturally I mourned. I was 10 years old! What the hell do you expect. I knew that it was better that Daddy couldn't terrorize us anymore, but it was still my daddy. I would get beaten for wanting to play Nintendo, watch a movie, go to the circus...I can't even remember it all anymore. I just have a few distinct memories of you going into a rage because I did something totally innocent that you didn't like. I WAS A KID. A CHILD. YOUR LITTLE GIRL. Mom had to keep me so quiet when I was a baby because god forbid I wake you. I walked on eggshells before I could even walk.
We were barely allowed to see anyone. We were practically impoverished. Mom had to sleep on the couch for years while you got the room and bed all to yourself, even if you were working a night shift. You yelled at and beat on her more than anything. I saw you try to choke her. You took me to see your girlfriend and told me to lie to my own mother at freakin' 7. SHE WAS YOUR WIFE. DISABLED. THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD. You told her, "I hate you, but you're a great mother." So then when you guys were finally separated, you told the green lawyer to draw up papers to steal me from her and declare her incompetent. Even though she found the papers after you were dead, she still underwent a massive exacerbation with the MS at the sheer thought of that. Thanks a heap for the parting gift!
And people wonder why I was scared of men for so many years and so shy and uptight. Surprise! I ended up making so many bad decisions with men and allowed one person in years ago who was essentially me working out my father issues. It makes me want to vomit when I think of that. It took me till I was 27 to find a good man, but guess what buddy, I did it. And he couldn't be less like you if he tried. He's everything perfect to me. He is so disgusted by you that he can't even pass by your picture in an album without wanting to destroy the hell out of it.
So now it was your birthday, and I thought I was over all this. Well, I'm not. 20 years later and I'm still crying like a traumatized girl on Thursday nights on a sofa. Yup, traumatized. I had my mother and my new life to help me transition into the next phase of growing up, but I still never dealt with these feelings. And you're lucky I'm not putting your full name and picture out in public. Maybe then someone from your family would randomly google you and finally give me the answers I've been longing for. But quite frankly, I'd rather put those pieces of my life together myself.
But maybe I'm also upset because I never got to have a childhood with my daddy. I have a few nice memories, but that's it. You were a handsome man and you could be funny when you wanted to be. You were into movies, music, and writing, which are all good qualities I got from you. Yes, I can actually find a couple! But I was forced to grow up so fast and be so timid. Everyone says I was the only person you ever actually loved. Ok. I can sorta believe that as I do believe part of this was mental illness and drugs. But why the hell would you abuse someone you supposedly loved?? I will never understand that.
I can "forgive" what you did to me, but I will never forgive what you did to my mommy. Never. You had amazing women willing to love you, and you completely threw it out the window and practically killed yourself while traumatizing and hurting them in the process. I can thank you for contributing to my conception, but that's about it.
Hope karma's kicking you in the ass.
Your only child,
Chrissi
Dear Dad,
That seems way too cozy. Too personal. After all, it's been 20 years since you died, and I only really ever called you Daddy. That was too good for you as well. When did you ever truly act like a daddy? Up till I was 5? Gee, thanks. Way to shape those formative years of my life.
Maybe I should just refer to you as Al. But Al was a so-called "man" who tortured the women in his immediate life. As Mom said, "Oh you're such a big man, Al. Beating up on your disabled wife and little girl...such a man."
When people ask about my biological father, I can casually say "Oh he died of a heart attack at 38. Oh, don't be sorry! It was a blessing in disguise." How can someone just cavalierly talk about their father being a piece of shit? Well it's easy when that father was you.
I had barely thought about you on your birthday until this year. June 23. I'm November 23. Easy to remember. You would have been 59 this year. When you died, you looked like you were that age. The Philly morgue freezer being broken didn't help matters much. Closed casket. Cremation. Barely any attendance. People really only showed up for me or to make sure you were actually dead. Then your "friends" and family completely ditched me. I've met that side twice, and I can barely remember them. I barely know my family history. Your parents were dead by the 70s and your sister never called until you died. I have an aunt who I wouldn't know if I fell over. We got a sympathy card from your aunt, titled "Dear M and 'daughter.'" Isn't it great to feel wanted? I have been shunned all because you were/are a piece of shit.
So naturally I mourned. I was 10 years old! What the hell do you expect. I knew that it was better that Daddy couldn't terrorize us anymore, but it was still my daddy. I would get beaten for wanting to play Nintendo, watch a movie, go to the circus...I can't even remember it all anymore. I just have a few distinct memories of you going into a rage because I did something totally innocent that you didn't like. I WAS A KID. A CHILD. YOUR LITTLE GIRL. Mom had to keep me so quiet when I was a baby because god forbid I wake you. I walked on eggshells before I could even walk.
We were barely allowed to see anyone. We were practically impoverished. Mom had to sleep on the couch for years while you got the room and bed all to yourself, even if you were working a night shift. You yelled at and beat on her more than anything. I saw you try to choke her. You took me to see your girlfriend and told me to lie to my own mother at freakin' 7. SHE WAS YOUR WIFE. DISABLED. THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD. You told her, "I hate you, but you're a great mother." So then when you guys were finally separated, you told the green lawyer to draw up papers to steal me from her and declare her incompetent. Even though she found the papers after you were dead, she still underwent a massive exacerbation with the MS at the sheer thought of that. Thanks a heap for the parting gift!
And people wonder why I was scared of men for so many years and so shy and uptight. Surprise! I ended up making so many bad decisions with men and allowed one person in years ago who was essentially me working out my father issues. It makes me want to vomit when I think of that. It took me till I was 27 to find a good man, but guess what buddy, I did it. And he couldn't be less like you if he tried. He's everything perfect to me. He is so disgusted by you that he can't even pass by your picture in an album without wanting to destroy the hell out of it.
So now it was your birthday, and I thought I was over all this. Well, I'm not. 20 years later and I'm still crying like a traumatized girl on Thursday nights on a sofa. Yup, traumatized. I had my mother and my new life to help me transition into the next phase of growing up, but I still never dealt with these feelings. And you're lucky I'm not putting your full name and picture out in public. Maybe then someone from your family would randomly google you and finally give me the answers I've been longing for. But quite frankly, I'd rather put those pieces of my life together myself.
But maybe I'm also upset because I never got to have a childhood with my daddy. I have a few nice memories, but that's it. You were a handsome man and you could be funny when you wanted to be. You were into movies, music, and writing, which are all good qualities I got from you. Yes, I can actually find a couple! But I was forced to grow up so fast and be so timid. Everyone says I was the only person you ever actually loved. Ok. I can sorta believe that as I do believe part of this was mental illness and drugs. But why the hell would you abuse someone you supposedly loved?? I will never understand that.
I can "forgive" what you did to me, but I will never forgive what you did to my mommy. Never. You had amazing women willing to love you, and you completely threw it out the window and practically killed yourself while traumatizing and hurting them in the process. I can thank you for contributing to my conception, but that's about it.
Hope karma's kicking you in the ass.
Your only child,
Chrissi
Friday, July 8, 2011
"With only so much time to spend, don't wanna waste the time I'm given..."
Dear Mom,
Well, another birthday. At this time last year, you had just gotten home from the hospital. It was an infection. Nothing major, just hit you a little harder than normal. We got takeout and watched Funny Girl, your favorite...ok, you watched it and I fell asleep. I'm sorry! I got tired! Actually, I was always tired. Now I'm on a more normal schedule. Today I was just restless and empty. I had sushi for dinner, something you absolutely hated. I watched Cupcake Wars on the DVR. Just a normal Friday night. It's so silent downstairs. We should be having ribs and I should be falling asleep during a Cary Grant movie. Instead I'm just having a typically indulgent "alone" night, and rather than enjoying the quiet, I'm hating it.
I miss your laugh. I miss your humor and your retorts. I miss you yelling at us to be quiet during the lottery numbers and where the Jeopardy contestants are from. I miss turning the channel to Entertainment Tonight to see the birthdays in between the final Jeopardy commercial, and I miss seeing what my tv bff Lara Spencer was wearing on The Insider. I miss you calling Niecy Nash and Elizabeth Hasselbeck bitches and telling jerky celebrities to go blow it out their ass. I miss you drooling over your favorite celebs and making sure you had certain programs on: Dancing With the Stars, House, The Mentalist, CSI NY, Ghost Whisperer, Medium (well, those two are no longer), and anything on TCM. We haven't turned on TCM in forever. I kinda miss Robert Osbourne. I was so sad when Meredith Viera left Today and Millionaire to take care of her MS afflicted husband, as I know it would have broken your heart for so many reasons. I miss showing you new Raul Esparza pix and clips of him speaking or singing. I miss making fun of some of your likes (Leno? Really?) and your weird crushes (Snoop Dogg? WTF??) and how you would bitch about some of my likes (I get Desperate Housewives, but How I Met Your Mother rules, shush!!!).
I don't miss seeing your hands shake. I don't miss having to wipe your eyes down after laughing too hard and then us bickering about how hard I'm doing it. I don't miss you slumping in the bed "to the other side of town" as Nanny described it. I don't miss having to tell you to keep drinking when you were dehydrated and then finding the bottle shoved under your bent arm because you couldn't get it back on the table. I don't miss having to feed you only because you took forever to chew, but I still feel the pangs of guilt because those remaining teeth had to be pulled. I don't miss wondering if you were going to remember to eat your dinner if I was actually going to be away during that time. I don't miss trying to find new ways to make opening containers and bags easier for you. I don't miss wondering if I was going to have to quit my job and stay home with you to avoid even more aides or have to work extra jobs just to afford more aides. I don't miss when your mind started getting a bit shaky and touchy. It wasn't too bad, but I could see it beginning. I don't miss having to tell you that no you can't get out of bed in the chair or hop in the shower. I don't miss your laundry having to be done every single day and the washer/dryer often crapping out because of this. I don't miss waking up to give you your pills because I didn't want you to be up at 3 or 4 in the morning. I don't miss not being able to stay away for 1+ days without having Nanny come to stay with you and then worrying about the two of you.
I don't miss any of this because it was inconvenient, no. I was watching you fade away, and it began a year ago. I tried so hard to deny it and to just find new ways of adjusting to your needs, but I'm not dumb. It was just too sad to even think of. And you were never in pain...it was so shocking when you died, but only because there was barely a complaint leading up to the event. I had more warnings than I realized, but I just didn't think it was going to be so damn fast.
But it's a blessing that it happened so damn fast. You got to be at home right until the night before, your mind was pretty solid for a severely chronically ill woman, and you got to know L. Oh thank god you got to know him. I know he misses you every day too. It's hard for him now...he may have been companionship for your last 6 months, but you were a companion for him too. You two bonded, and I am thankful for that. You approved and knew I'd be ok, that I was with one of the most compassionate and caring men ever and that I was finally happy and ready to start my life.
I should have started therapy 10 years ago...but she's been amazing, and I've really started coming to terms with so much in my past up through now. She thought it would help me to write a letter to you. I know she didn't intend for me to put it out in cyberspace, but I don't care. I have nothing to hide. You were my mother for 30 years, you were the most amazing woman I will ever know, and you are beloved now and forever. I refuse to let your memory fade and I have no shame in putting these feelings out there to the world. Now just don't smack me from beyond when I get my next tattoo in honor of you. :-p
I love you Mommy.
xoxoxo
Chrissi
Well, another birthday. At this time last year, you had just gotten home from the hospital. It was an infection. Nothing major, just hit you a little harder than normal. We got takeout and watched Funny Girl, your favorite...ok, you watched it and I fell asleep. I'm sorry! I got tired! Actually, I was always tired. Now I'm on a more normal schedule. Today I was just restless and empty. I had sushi for dinner, something you absolutely hated. I watched Cupcake Wars on the DVR. Just a normal Friday night. It's so silent downstairs. We should be having ribs and I should be falling asleep during a Cary Grant movie. Instead I'm just having a typically indulgent "alone" night, and rather than enjoying the quiet, I'm hating it.
I miss your laugh. I miss your humor and your retorts. I miss you yelling at us to be quiet during the lottery numbers and where the Jeopardy contestants are from. I miss turning the channel to Entertainment Tonight to see the birthdays in between the final Jeopardy commercial, and I miss seeing what my tv bff Lara Spencer was wearing on The Insider. I miss you calling Niecy Nash and Elizabeth Hasselbeck bitches and telling jerky celebrities to go blow it out their ass. I miss you drooling over your favorite celebs and making sure you had certain programs on: Dancing With the Stars, House, The Mentalist, CSI NY, Ghost Whisperer, Medium (well, those two are no longer), and anything on TCM. We haven't turned on TCM in forever. I kinda miss Robert Osbourne. I was so sad when Meredith Viera left Today and Millionaire to take care of her MS afflicted husband, as I know it would have broken your heart for so many reasons. I miss showing you new Raul Esparza pix and clips of him speaking or singing. I miss making fun of some of your likes (Leno? Really?) and your weird crushes (Snoop Dogg? WTF??) and how you would bitch about some of my likes (I get Desperate Housewives, but How I Met Your Mother rules, shush!!!).
I don't miss seeing your hands shake. I don't miss having to wipe your eyes down after laughing too hard and then us bickering about how hard I'm doing it. I don't miss you slumping in the bed "to the other side of town" as Nanny described it. I don't miss having to tell you to keep drinking when you were dehydrated and then finding the bottle shoved under your bent arm because you couldn't get it back on the table. I don't miss having to feed you only because you took forever to chew, but I still feel the pangs of guilt because those remaining teeth had to be pulled. I don't miss wondering if you were going to remember to eat your dinner if I was actually going to be away during that time. I don't miss trying to find new ways to make opening containers and bags easier for you. I don't miss wondering if I was going to have to quit my job and stay home with you to avoid even more aides or have to work extra jobs just to afford more aides. I don't miss when your mind started getting a bit shaky and touchy. It wasn't too bad, but I could see it beginning. I don't miss having to tell you that no you can't get out of bed in the chair or hop in the shower. I don't miss your laundry having to be done every single day and the washer/dryer often crapping out because of this. I don't miss waking up to give you your pills because I didn't want you to be up at 3 or 4 in the morning. I don't miss not being able to stay away for 1+ days without having Nanny come to stay with you and then worrying about the two of you.
I don't miss any of this because it was inconvenient, no. I was watching you fade away, and it began a year ago. I tried so hard to deny it and to just find new ways of adjusting to your needs, but I'm not dumb. It was just too sad to even think of. And you were never in pain...it was so shocking when you died, but only because there was barely a complaint leading up to the event. I had more warnings than I realized, but I just didn't think it was going to be so damn fast.
But it's a blessing that it happened so damn fast. You got to be at home right until the night before, your mind was pretty solid for a severely chronically ill woman, and you got to know L. Oh thank god you got to know him. I know he misses you every day too. It's hard for him now...he may have been companionship for your last 6 months, but you were a companion for him too. You two bonded, and I am thankful for that. You approved and knew I'd be ok, that I was with one of the most compassionate and caring men ever and that I was finally happy and ready to start my life.
I should have started therapy 10 years ago...but she's been amazing, and I've really started coming to terms with so much in my past up through now. She thought it would help me to write a letter to you. I know she didn't intend for me to put it out in cyberspace, but I don't care. I have nothing to hide. You were my mother for 30 years, you were the most amazing woman I will ever know, and you are beloved now and forever. I refuse to let your memory fade and I have no shame in putting these feelings out there to the world. Now just don't smack me from beyond when I get my next tattoo in honor of you. :-p
I love you Mommy.
xoxoxo
Chrissi
Monday, May 23, 2011
"tomorrow's just your future's yesterday"
I used to love staying up to watch Craig Ferguson. What a cheeky sexy devil. Mind you, I didn't quite stay up. I would fall asleep around 10 and wake up by 12:30 to give my mother her pills and watch the beginning of his show. When L moved in, we always tried to at least catch the theme before bed. (Puppets! "Hey! Hey hey!")
Mom loved Craiggers (yes, that's what I call him), and she completely gave up watching Conan for Craig. Then again, she only watched the beginning of Conan to see Max Weinberg's drum solo. When Conan got shuffled off NBC, I didn't feel quite so guilty for "cheating" on him with Craig. Craig just absolutely kills me. His interviews are just so relaxed and conversational while often being naughty. He really brings out the best in celebrities.
On the Friday night I took Mom to the hospital for a supposed non-emergency, she was a little upset because she barely got to watch TV in the ER. It really was a boring and frustrating night, but we did talk a lot. I stayed to make sure she was checked in her room properly. It's weird because I never really did that before. I just had an urge to stay. She was happy because Letterman had just ended and Craig's theme filled the sterile room. We both perked up because Neil Patrick Harris was the guest. I was discussing all her medical history and restrictions while she watched that TV with the biggest smile. By the time I got home, I was ready to pass out and in no mood to watch NPH, but I was glad she got to see something fun before bed.
The next day, she went into cardiac arrest and died.
I don't think I quite have a negative association with the show. Me and L had happened to see part one of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that afternoon, and we were watching part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade before being called back to the hospital. Mind you, that's one of my favorite movies in the history of the world, and it was hers as well. It was almost crazy that it was on right before she passed. Still, I don't have anything against watching these two movies. She was watching Along Came Polly Saturday afternoon because she noticed Hank Azaria was in it. Before we left, L made a joke about how great it would be if "Dr" Jimmy Smits walked in. Her face lit up like a Christmas tree. Later that evening, while I was leaning over her dying body and saying my final words to her, I ended up making a joke about how I was sorry the doctors weren't hot like House. And then I was like, jesus christ, I'm making jokes up to the tragic end!
But that was just what she would want...Mom was always laughing and always fangirling. Nothing made her happier in those final years than a good movie or TV show with one of her favorite actors. I'll never forget when Gilles was on Dancing With the Stars because Mom was acting like a horny teenager whenever he came on (her words!). Or when we'd drool over Bo Bice together and growl for Hugh Jackman. TCM was her goldmine for Cary Grant marathons. She would gasp loudly if I found a new Raul Esparza video or mp3 and order me to put it on. It's how we were able to have quality time together.
Craig was our nighttime routine during the last year. I can watch him without getting upset, but I just DVR good guests now that I've finally gotten on a normal sleep schedule. It's just a reminder that my life is completely different now. I don't have to take care of a bedridden mother and can come and go as I please. Yet, it's still hard for me to adjust to that, and I sometimes slip into old habits.
We had girl talk in the quiet ER while I gushed about Law and Order and Kyle MacLachlan. She just smiled and truly listened like she did when I would turn into a motor mouth. But then she gave me amazing advice I'll never forget in regards to my career. She was still being a mother despite everything. Her body was wearing down even more rapidly over the year, but she still just wanted to have fun with her only daughter in the only way we could. So while I may not watch much Craiggers anymore, I feel good knowing that she was able to have laughter and big smiles during her last 24 hours on earth.
Mom loved Craiggers (yes, that's what I call him), and she completely gave up watching Conan for Craig. Then again, she only watched the beginning of Conan to see Max Weinberg's drum solo. When Conan got shuffled off NBC, I didn't feel quite so guilty for "cheating" on him with Craig. Craig just absolutely kills me. His interviews are just so relaxed and conversational while often being naughty. He really brings out the best in celebrities.
On the Friday night I took Mom to the hospital for a supposed non-emergency, she was a little upset because she barely got to watch TV in the ER. It really was a boring and frustrating night, but we did talk a lot. I stayed to make sure she was checked in her room properly. It's weird because I never really did that before. I just had an urge to stay. She was happy because Letterman had just ended and Craig's theme filled the sterile room. We both perked up because Neil Patrick Harris was the guest. I was discussing all her medical history and restrictions while she watched that TV with the biggest smile. By the time I got home, I was ready to pass out and in no mood to watch NPH, but I was glad she got to see something fun before bed.
The next day, she went into cardiac arrest and died.
I don't think I quite have a negative association with the show. Me and L had happened to see part one of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that afternoon, and we were watching part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade before being called back to the hospital. Mind you, that's one of my favorite movies in the history of the world, and it was hers as well. It was almost crazy that it was on right before she passed. Still, I don't have anything against watching these two movies. She was watching Along Came Polly Saturday afternoon because she noticed Hank Azaria was in it. Before we left, L made a joke about how great it would be if "Dr" Jimmy Smits walked in. Her face lit up like a Christmas tree. Later that evening, while I was leaning over her dying body and saying my final words to her, I ended up making a joke about how I was sorry the doctors weren't hot like House. And then I was like, jesus christ, I'm making jokes up to the tragic end!
But that was just what she would want...Mom was always laughing and always fangirling. Nothing made her happier in those final years than a good movie or TV show with one of her favorite actors. I'll never forget when Gilles was on Dancing With the Stars because Mom was acting like a horny teenager whenever he came on (her words!). Or when we'd drool over Bo Bice together and growl for Hugh Jackman. TCM was her goldmine for Cary Grant marathons. She would gasp loudly if I found a new Raul Esparza video or mp3 and order me to put it on. It's how we were able to have quality time together.
Craig was our nighttime routine during the last year. I can watch him without getting upset, but I just DVR good guests now that I've finally gotten on a normal sleep schedule. It's just a reminder that my life is completely different now. I don't have to take care of a bedridden mother and can come and go as I please. Yet, it's still hard for me to adjust to that, and I sometimes slip into old habits.
We had girl talk in the quiet ER while I gushed about Law and Order and Kyle MacLachlan. She just smiled and truly listened like she did when I would turn into a motor mouth. But then she gave me amazing advice I'll never forget in regards to my career. She was still being a mother despite everything. Her body was wearing down even more rapidly over the year, but she still just wanted to have fun with her only daughter in the only way we could. So while I may not watch much Craiggers anymore, I feel good knowing that she was able to have laughter and big smiles during her last 24 hours on earth.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
"Some people choose the city, some others choose the good old family home"
This week of training has sucked so much because of the commute time. I wouldn't mind being in the car for an hour, but being on the train for 45 minutes in the morning and afternoon after waiting in the smelly bowels of the SEPTA line is just evil. I truly admire those who constantly commute in this fashion. Maybe if I was doing my regular job for 8 hrs, it wouldn't be so bad. Sitting in one classroom for 8 hrs is awful. God, I don't think I've done that since elementary school! (or since my first round of training with this company) That's probably why I'm so damn drained at night. I know it's only been 5 days, but I cannot WAIT for these next 3 days to fly by.
I think it's funny how I'm such a city girl with New York but how I don't care much for Philly. It's my native city and I don't have trouble driving through the majority of it, but it's not my first choice by any stretch. Philly smells like piss and gas with an extra dose of sweat. New York smells too, but it smells like vanilla, steam, hot dogs, and trash. It's a smell that I happily breathe in. Their subways don't phase me, except during the summer heat. SEPTA makes me want to pass out just standing around. And the train itself! Bleh. I'll take NJ Transit any day of the week.
Does this make me a traitor? Not really, I don't mind hanging out on South St, Penns Landing, Sports Complex, Art museum, Chinatown, Washington Square, the Northeast...you will always see me rooting for the Phillies and hometown heroes along with possessing a super thick Philly accent. I know where to get the best cheesesteaks (hint: surrounding suburbs), live for Wawa, used to have soft pretzels for breakfast, and feel sorry for anyone who doesn't know what a Tastykake is. I just don't really feel comfortable. I don't often know where I'm going and would much prefer going with a friend. I barely know anywhere fun to go. If I'm in Philly, there's a purpose behind it. Meanwhile, I have wandered around NYC by myself for 12 hours at a time while taking the last train out of Penn Station.
No matter what, commuting by SEPTA to a dull ass classroom sucks. And I suppose it still would if I took NJ Transit to a Midtown classroom. While my heart is with Philly, my passion is with New York. I will have to save that love story for another day since I need to relax before waking up at 5:45 am.
I think it's funny how I'm such a city girl with New York but how I don't care much for Philly. It's my native city and I don't have trouble driving through the majority of it, but it's not my first choice by any stretch. Philly smells like piss and gas with an extra dose of sweat. New York smells too, but it smells like vanilla, steam, hot dogs, and trash. It's a smell that I happily breathe in. Their subways don't phase me, except during the summer heat. SEPTA makes me want to pass out just standing around. And the train itself! Bleh. I'll take NJ Transit any day of the week.
Does this make me a traitor? Not really, I don't mind hanging out on South St, Penns Landing, Sports Complex, Art museum, Chinatown, Washington Square, the Northeast...you will always see me rooting for the Phillies and hometown heroes along with possessing a super thick Philly accent. I know where to get the best cheesesteaks (hint: surrounding suburbs), live for Wawa, used to have soft pretzels for breakfast, and feel sorry for anyone who doesn't know what a Tastykake is. I just don't really feel comfortable. I don't often know where I'm going and would much prefer going with a friend. I barely know anywhere fun to go. If I'm in Philly, there's a purpose behind it. Meanwhile, I have wandered around NYC by myself for 12 hours at a time while taking the last train out of Penn Station.
No matter what, commuting by SEPTA to a dull ass classroom sucks. And I suppose it still would if I took NJ Transit to a Midtown classroom. While my heart is with Philly, my passion is with New York. I will have to save that love story for another day since I need to relax before waking up at 5:45 am.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
"Some girls, they have natural ease, they wear it any way they please"
Sometimes I wonder if this grownup look is a facade or a shell. Am I really? Do I want to just assimilate into the professional woman's uniform of heels, skirt, jacket, and layered hair? After all these years of trying to make myself look different and unique, do I really want to just blend in?
I don't think it's much of a shell. I'm still retaining pieces of my past (tattoos, daith ear piercing) while adding fun touches like shimmery silver nails, chunky unique jewelry, limbo bimbo hot pink toes, retro flair to my pencil skirts, dresses, tights, and flowy black clothes. Why does this mean so much to me? Well, I love color and fun. I may not be able to wear purple tights to work anymore, but I can still wear my red mary jane kitten heels. It's all about compromise. If I'm not choosing to live an alternative lifestyle, then I have to follow dress code. It doesn't mean I can't have fun with it.
However, my weight is preventing me from having a lot of fun with casual clothes these days. I really wish Torrid was in more nearby locations rather than being forced into Lane Bryant prices or the emerging Kohls glitter muumuus (though their dress pants are still great). And Old Navy, do me a favor and just increase the quality of fabric a scoch for the prices you're charging. Please and thank you.
I want to be flattering but fun, professional but not stuffy, unique but not reverting back to baggy and pierced. I want to look my age while still having people think I'm no older than 28. It's a hell of a fine tightrope to walk at this stage of life.
It's like my favorite How I Met Your Mother ep, "Arrivederci, Fiero" when Marshall loses the last bit of his youth in his beat up junk car and they examine how every young up-and-comer has a secret piece of their youth that they desperately cling onto. Since my tattoos aren't going anywhere and are only going to develop, I think my "cling" is that daith ear piercing I previously mentioned. It's in a very hard part of the cartilage to pierce, is a simple lovely black captive hoop, and is the one thing I got done because a crush thought it would look cool. L says it was my Daria and Trent moment. So even though I've had a customer ask me if it was a hearing aid, it's not going anywhere. I removed my brow, tongue, industrial, and gages...this is my little memory that I can have neatly tucked towards my ear canal.
I look back on where I'm from
Look at the woman I've become
And the strangest things seem
suddenly routine.
-Hedwig and the Angry Inch
I don't think it's much of a shell. I'm still retaining pieces of my past (tattoos, daith ear piercing) while adding fun touches like shimmery silver nails, chunky unique jewelry, limbo bimbo hot pink toes, retro flair to my pencil skirts, dresses, tights, and flowy black clothes. Why does this mean so much to me? Well, I love color and fun. I may not be able to wear purple tights to work anymore, but I can still wear my red mary jane kitten heels. It's all about compromise. If I'm not choosing to live an alternative lifestyle, then I have to follow dress code. It doesn't mean I can't have fun with it.
However, my weight is preventing me from having a lot of fun with casual clothes these days. I really wish Torrid was in more nearby locations rather than being forced into Lane Bryant prices or the emerging Kohls glitter muumuus (though their dress pants are still great). And Old Navy, do me a favor and just increase the quality of fabric a scoch for the prices you're charging. Please and thank you.
I want to be flattering but fun, professional but not stuffy, unique but not reverting back to baggy and pierced. I want to look my age while still having people think I'm no older than 28. It's a hell of a fine tightrope to walk at this stage of life.
It's like my favorite How I Met Your Mother ep, "Arrivederci, Fiero" when Marshall loses the last bit of his youth in his beat up junk car and they examine how every young up-and-comer has a secret piece of their youth that they desperately cling onto. Since my tattoos aren't going anywhere and are only going to develop, I think my "cling" is that daith ear piercing I previously mentioned. It's in a very hard part of the cartilage to pierce, is a simple lovely black captive hoop, and is the one thing I got done because a crush thought it would look cool. L says it was my Daria and Trent moment. So even though I've had a customer ask me if it was a hearing aid, it's not going anywhere. I removed my brow, tongue, industrial, and gages...this is my little memory that I can have neatly tucked towards my ear canal.
I look back on where I'm from
Look at the woman I've become
And the strangest things seem
suddenly routine.
-Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Monday, May 16, 2011
"God gave me this Dundie, and I feel God in this Chilis tonight"
It's really weird...a few months ago, I was comparing myself to The Office character Dwight Schrute and now I have a position that makes me more like Pam Beesly. I'll essentially be the go-to girl for everything, and I like that. I don't care for managing or supervising at this point in my life and work much better as a "right hand" in a company. Now if only they would pay more! Oh, believe me, I'm not putting down my raise and benefits, but it just really would be nice to hit a certain figure!!
I bought a color Nook to celebrate. Some new clothes that are professional with a retro flair. Am continuing to get my nails and hair done. Got a Kate Spade purse (my first "big girl" bag). Ditched a lot of my shoes yesterday and bought 3 new pairs. I still have nice shoes in the closet, but I bought 2 pairs of super cute yet durable flats (black and red) and a pair of taupe shiny pointy heels. Yeah. You could say those are truly my first "big girl" heels.
I think I'm finally embracing my adulthood. Only took how many years? I still have my dorky and bumming and casual clothes and lots of hot pink....but now it's time to create a polished look for the workplace. I've never wanted to succeed so badly in my life! It's the strangest feeling.
I'm also being insanely serious about weight loss now, and that Nook is a godsend for the gym. I don't let myself read certain things unless I'm at the gym, therefore I will want to go. It's only been 2 weeks, but it already feels better. And as much as I adore sniffing paper, feeling the sharp edges, texture, and creases while holding it up to the light (yeah, I know...insane book nerd), it is amazing to have books at my fingertips that are cheaper and easier to catalogue. Don't think I didn't buy Tina Fey and Steven Tyler's hardbacks on their opening days though!
Getting back on track, I really do want to be a better person. Therapy is helping greatly, and while I wish I could talk about this with my mom, I know she's proud from up above. I know she's always watching me. I'm just trying to finally grow up. Doesn't mean I'm not a total kid at heart, but I need to be able to manage my life better. And now that L and I have made even more steps in solidifying our relationship, it's exciting to think of the possibilities the future will hold for us. We always talk about it, and it'll be so amazing to actually go through with these dreams. Nothing hasty though. That's just not us.
Of course, being a grownup in a mature relationship doesn't mean I'm not desperately trying to put off doing my share of the chores right now. One day this lazy ass side of me will start fading!
I bought a color Nook to celebrate. Some new clothes that are professional with a retro flair. Am continuing to get my nails and hair done. Got a Kate Spade purse (my first "big girl" bag). Ditched a lot of my shoes yesterday and bought 3 new pairs. I still have nice shoes in the closet, but I bought 2 pairs of super cute yet durable flats (black and red) and a pair of taupe shiny pointy heels. Yeah. You could say those are truly my first "big girl" heels.
I think I'm finally embracing my adulthood. Only took how many years? I still have my dorky and bumming and casual clothes and lots of hot pink....but now it's time to create a polished look for the workplace. I've never wanted to succeed so badly in my life! It's the strangest feeling.
I'm also being insanely serious about weight loss now, and that Nook is a godsend for the gym. I don't let myself read certain things unless I'm at the gym, therefore I will want to go. It's only been 2 weeks, but it already feels better. And as much as I adore sniffing paper, feeling the sharp edges, texture, and creases while holding it up to the light (yeah, I know...insane book nerd), it is amazing to have books at my fingertips that are cheaper and easier to catalogue. Don't think I didn't buy Tina Fey and Steven Tyler's hardbacks on their opening days though!
Getting back on track, I really do want to be a better person. Therapy is helping greatly, and while I wish I could talk about this with my mom, I know she's proud from up above. I know she's always watching me. I'm just trying to finally grow up. Doesn't mean I'm not a total kid at heart, but I need to be able to manage my life better. And now that L and I have made even more steps in solidifying our relationship, it's exciting to think of the possibilities the future will hold for us. We always talk about it, and it'll be so amazing to actually go through with these dreams. Nothing hasty though. That's just not us.
Of course, being a grownup in a mature relationship doesn't mean I'm not desperately trying to put off doing my share of the chores right now. One day this lazy ass side of me will start fading!
Monday, May 2, 2011
"Compromise or persevere?"
I got promoted on the 20th. It's pretty crazy because I wasn't even sure if I should stay with this company, but it turned out I was just looking at the wrong path.
True, why would someone want to give up stable benefits and a 401K for something that could very well fall through in this day and age. Being stagnant and a little miserable is better than not having health coverage and a steady paycheck, yes? No. I was in a toxic environment that was making me increasingly upset and depressed every day. I love my customers, but I just couldn't stand the behind-the-scenes aspect any longer. This effected my mental well being and my physical energy. I tried to look at job sites and to also apply internally. But I was not meant to be a supervisor now, and I knew it.
When I realized that I could absolutely do the customer service side of things with a whole new set of training to go through, I got excited. I had built a tough skin (finally) over customers ripping me a new one when they don't get what they want or are frustrated. I know I can learn all this new information and processes very easily. It is the challenge I desperately need. The manager at the sister branch I applied at loved my energy and enthusiasm, leading to me accepting the job offer.
Energy. Enthusiasm.
Two words I haven't heard in a very long time.
I know I kick ass at what I do, but I lost the zest and consistency for carrying it out. Now that I will be in a new environment with a fresh perspective, I feel so optimistic. I have aspirations of moving up. I don't want to wait another 4 years to do so.
I've been comparing this to graduating high school. I have been given the tools I need to succeed at the next level. These last couple weeks have felt so good. Normally I would feel sad and weepy, but I will still be seeing them two Saturday mornings a month, along with having them a phone call or email away. Normally I would feel guilty for leaving things in such a crazy time, but I can't. I won't.
I'm free.
True, why would someone want to give up stable benefits and a 401K for something that could very well fall through in this day and age. Being stagnant and a little miserable is better than not having health coverage and a steady paycheck, yes? No. I was in a toxic environment that was making me increasingly upset and depressed every day. I love my customers, but I just couldn't stand the behind-the-scenes aspect any longer. This effected my mental well being and my physical energy. I tried to look at job sites and to also apply internally. But I was not meant to be a supervisor now, and I knew it.
When I realized that I could absolutely do the customer service side of things with a whole new set of training to go through, I got excited. I had built a tough skin (finally) over customers ripping me a new one when they don't get what they want or are frustrated. I know I can learn all this new information and processes very easily. It is the challenge I desperately need. The manager at the sister branch I applied at loved my energy and enthusiasm, leading to me accepting the job offer.
Energy. Enthusiasm.
Two words I haven't heard in a very long time.
I know I kick ass at what I do, but I lost the zest and consistency for carrying it out. Now that I will be in a new environment with a fresh perspective, I feel so optimistic. I have aspirations of moving up. I don't want to wait another 4 years to do so.
I've been comparing this to graduating high school. I have been given the tools I need to succeed at the next level. These last couple weeks have felt so good. Normally I would feel sad and weepy, but I will still be seeing them two Saturday mornings a month, along with having them a phone call or email away. Normally I would feel guilty for leaving things in such a crazy time, but I can't. I won't.
I'm free.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Family puzzle pieces
I got a bug up my butt yesterday to officially start doing research on my family. It's all I could think about last night and today. What's interesting is that I found out my late great-uncle's 100th birthday would have been March 5 and I found a bulletin where my father won a weightlifting competition on March 5, 1988. And I found this on March 5. Yeah. Both deceased sides of my family gave me a sign to start this!
My mother's side is a cinch. Every time I think I've hit a dead end, I find more connections and information that bring the puzzle together. I love seeing all the different lineage sprouting from people on the tree I'm making on ancestry.com. My cousin is also a huge help. She was born in '43 and has either met so many of the family that I haven't or had more records than my mom did. My grandmother remembers quite a bit, but not in as much detail with some family members as my cousin. I'm finding lots of interesting papers and history from my heritage. Thank goodness Mom saved all this stuff!
There is a fascinating article about my great-great-uncle Simon Nicholls, a former major league baseball player at the turn of the 20th century. He died of typhoid fever when he was 28 but not before leaving his mark on baseball and having two children. His son was the greatest uncle ever to me, and I cried my eyes out when he died on Halloween in 1992. He's the one who would have been 100 yesterday.
What's really giving me agita is trying to dig up my father's lineage. My father was a psychotic piece of shit who died of a heart attack at 38. I was 10. The man was just manic and overdid everything, including abusing a young daughter and her disabled mother. He was the black sheep, and his family, who met me twice, essentially shunned me. My grandparents were both dead by the 70s. So, I know nothing. Nada. Well, that's a lie, I do know a few things. I believe my great-uncle is still living in Philadelphia if Google is to be trusted. But I have an aunt out there....never met, don't even know her last name. I don't even quite know what my father's full name was since my grandfather changed their surname in the 50s (he was Sicilian, draw your own conclusions). I have family nearby that have a different last name than me. That's how whenever anyone asks me if I'm related to so-and-so, I can confidently say nope! I gathered all the pictures I have from my father's life and just need to grab the slides. There's not too much helpful about them except that they used to call him by a different nickname. I vaguely remember my mother mentioning that with him, but I just can't pinpoint it.
So now I'm totally lost over finding who they are! I just want to know lineage and medical history, nothing more. I don't want to get to know people. They made their stance perfectly clear 20 years ago, and I am perfectly fine with dropping my surname and starting my own family. The only person I have an interest in meeting (if she's even still alive) is my aunt. Still, I'm going to have to go to Philly and dig up things, I know it. The internet has just too much information sometimes.
I also need to find the obit of the family friend who was supposed to be my godfather before he was mugged and stabbed to death in 1982. We have two of his paintings up in the house, and I just found a card he gave me for my 1st birthday. I just wish so dearly that I had gotten to truly meet him. My grandmother has always wished he was my biological father, as I could have been spared so much pain, and maybe life would have been different. Or if he hadn't died so early, he could have protected us from my father. But still, life happens for a reason, and I may not have met the people in my life who are so dear to me. And I know that not meeting L would have been the worst thing that could have happened to me. The man is truly my soulmate.
This is all very therapeutic, but very frustrating. I'm desperately trying to put together the pieces of my background before I move on with my life. I know it won't happen overnight, but I'm trying my best. It just gets so frustrating sometimes to see all this family sprouting from my name and knowing that I wasn't a part of so much. That's ok, my life was weird, but it's still disconcerting at times.
My mother's side is a cinch. Every time I think I've hit a dead end, I find more connections and information that bring the puzzle together. I love seeing all the different lineage sprouting from people on the tree I'm making on ancestry.com. My cousin is also a huge help. She was born in '43 and has either met so many of the family that I haven't or had more records than my mom did. My grandmother remembers quite a bit, but not in as much detail with some family members as my cousin. I'm finding lots of interesting papers and history from my heritage. Thank goodness Mom saved all this stuff!
There is a fascinating article about my great-great-uncle Simon Nicholls, a former major league baseball player at the turn of the 20th century. He died of typhoid fever when he was 28 but not before leaving his mark on baseball and having two children. His son was the greatest uncle ever to me, and I cried my eyes out when he died on Halloween in 1992. He's the one who would have been 100 yesterday.
What's really giving me agita is trying to dig up my father's lineage. My father was a psychotic piece of shit who died of a heart attack at 38. I was 10. The man was just manic and overdid everything, including abusing a young daughter and her disabled mother. He was the black sheep, and his family, who met me twice, essentially shunned me. My grandparents were both dead by the 70s. So, I know nothing. Nada. Well, that's a lie, I do know a few things. I believe my great-uncle is still living in Philadelphia if Google is to be trusted. But I have an aunt out there....never met, don't even know her last name. I don't even quite know what my father's full name was since my grandfather changed their surname in the 50s (he was Sicilian, draw your own conclusions). I have family nearby that have a different last name than me. That's how whenever anyone asks me if I'm related to so-and-so, I can confidently say nope! I gathered all the pictures I have from my father's life and just need to grab the slides. There's not too much helpful about them except that they used to call him by a different nickname. I vaguely remember my mother mentioning that with him, but I just can't pinpoint it.
So now I'm totally lost over finding who they are! I just want to know lineage and medical history, nothing more. I don't want to get to know people. They made their stance perfectly clear 20 years ago, and I am perfectly fine with dropping my surname and starting my own family. The only person I have an interest in meeting (if she's even still alive) is my aunt. Still, I'm going to have to go to Philly and dig up things, I know it. The internet has just too much information sometimes.
I also need to find the obit of the family friend who was supposed to be my godfather before he was mugged and stabbed to death in 1982. We have two of his paintings up in the house, and I just found a card he gave me for my 1st birthday. I just wish so dearly that I had gotten to truly meet him. My grandmother has always wished he was my biological father, as I could have been spared so much pain, and maybe life would have been different. Or if he hadn't died so early, he could have protected us from my father. But still, life happens for a reason, and I may not have met the people in my life who are so dear to me. And I know that not meeting L would have been the worst thing that could have happened to me. The man is truly my soulmate.
This is all very therapeutic, but very frustrating. I'm desperately trying to put together the pieces of my background before I move on with my life. I know it won't happen overnight, but I'm trying my best. It just gets so frustrating sometimes to see all this family sprouting from my name and knowing that I wasn't a part of so much. That's ok, my life was weird, but it's still disconcerting at times.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
American Idol S10 Top 12 Girls
This is a special entry, as my Idol buddy (and bff of 21 years) Danielle is over for our annual early season get-together! We would do it more frequently years ago when we were really invested in the seasons, but we make a point to do it once a season. Season 5 was our ultimate year (Daughtry for her, Elliott for me), and our other favorites included Bo Bice and David Cook. Naturally, we’ve seen all of the above in concert, along with seasons 3-8. We are Idol nerds, and we love it. She’s 9 months pregnant, and this is the last Idol we’ll watch together before she becomes a mommy. Here we go!
Ry, you’re looking kinda hot tonight.
J-Lo, what the hell are you wearing?? Thigh high leather boots and a shimmery disco ball are not meant to be worn together.
Look, Randy’s trying to be philosophical, and it just sounds like a bunch of words running around in a circle.
Oh, I’ll bring it on, Steven. His teeth are totally capped. “They gotta sing like it’s their encore song.” Thank you ST. Let’s hope the girls get the message tonight!
Wow, Lauren Alaina didn’t get the pimp spot? Holy hell.
Ta-tynisia- Only Girl In the World. A recent song I have on my iPod! Amazing! I am digging the hot pink background. But the singing is pitchy, dawg. This girl has no range at all. J-Lo, you just meant that it was good that it’s over, right? They are being far too nice. Randy is making sense, once again, and I really am terrified. 10 years, and he’s finally a judge.
Danielle says….Good song choice for her.
Naima- Summertime. Hey, this badass looking chick got the hot seat with Ry. And now she’s actually attempting to cover the song that made Fantasia a legend on the show. Not that I care about freakin Faaaantasia or her interpretation, but this is risky, especially if you’re just going to go around smiling and unhinging your jaw. I was left cold with this. I just…I dunno. It didn’t do anything for me. I can see what Steven means with the “new old timey,” I just didn’t care for it here.
Danielle says…Entertaining because of her personality.
Kendra- Impossible. Catwoman, much? Or as L said, ready for Steven Tyler’s dressing room. Hmm. I liked the beginning, but I just don’t see much soul, just a lot of sexy posturing. What’s with all the amazing comments? Sheesh. Kendra Chantelle, you are no chanteuse.
Danielle says…You’re real white.
Rachel- Criminal. Now this girl is interesting, and I’m glad she finally got her chance. And…. I am LOVING the dramatics. And the dress. And the song. Cabaret Fiona. Working the stage a little early, huh…but this is a song where you would want to work the audience if you’re going for the burlesque angle. Looks like I’m alone on this. STEVEN. There is NOTHING wrong with Broadway. Pffft. J-LO. RANDY. SHUT. UP. Maybe I’m just destined for Broadway pop too. Whatevs. First time this season I’ve been pissed.
Danielle says…Like that she did something different, but not this version. Told you they’d criticize her.
Karen- Hero. *RETCHING* It’s nice that she’s mixing Spanish with English, but why this song? Can we put a moratorium on some crazy overused Idol songs? This girl’s range isn’t strong enough for this version. Ok, so it’s ok that she made this her own, but it’s not ok that Rachel did something a little more dated? Oh, but then Naima had that Ella Fitzgerald vibe. Hmm, once again Broadway is shit upon. I’ll let Danielle shut me up and sum this up.
Danielle says…You can’t sing Mariah Carey on Idol. So smart to sing in two languages though.
Lauren Turner- Seven Day Fool. I like the tone of her voice and her outfit. Why are we seeing the judge’s close-ups? We both agree that Lauren makes scary faces but sings very well. Googled and found out this is an Etta James song, which is flat out awesome. I love getting to learn about music like this. Yes, judges, bluesy soul flavor. I really enjoyed this. Strong performance, personality, and a great voice. Like Steven said, a perfect, full complete sentence.
Danielle says…I liked it. Good that J-Lo gave both good and bad criticism, they need that balance.
Ashton- Love All Over Me. Very good voice, but she gets a little pitchy when she hits higher notes. I agree with the judges, she definitely has confidence, and she presents herself well. However, I don’t love that she chooses big songs.
Danielle says…Token diva of the season.
L says…Why can we see her nipples?
L says…Why can we see her nipples?
Julie- Breakaway. Yet another Idol alum song choice! And she did it in a pretty princess prom dress. Ugh to both appearance and performance. You can totally see J-Lo’s Bitch Please face going on there. And yet she still finds a “nice” way to say she doesn’t like it. Total Paula vibe, once again. Hey pretty pretty princess, don’t get pissy, you sucked.
Danielle says…Karaoke-ish.
Haley- Fallin’. GET A MORATORIUM ON THESE OVERDONE SONGS. Anyone who thinks they have any bit of diva sultry soul in them goes straight for this Alicia Keys hit. Her mouth scares me, and that’s a trashy bargain bin dress. Haley, remove that bitchface, pronto. Randy is right. I have not liked this girl’s voice from Hollywood through now. And now I don’t like her, as any criticism immediately sent her into pickle lipped whatevs mode.
Danielle says…No no no, go away, you’re bad.
Thia- Out Here On My Own. Very strong voice. I only listened to her performance, and I never would have guessed she’s 15. Of course the judges are frothing at the mouth, and I agree regarding talent, but I personally would have liked to see her sing a different song. But that cute hug with RyRy just pushed that thought out of my head. Awww. I won’t even bitch about how the judges didn’t mention one word about this being a musical theatre song.
Danielle says…Amazing voice.
Lauren Alaina- Turn on the Radio. This girl doesn’t look or sound 16, and I like her so much better with straight hair. I actually get a Jessica Sierra vibe from her. Anywho, this is a very strong performance with a lot of energy, blah blah blah Chosen One. Oh grassy knoll cynicism, I knew you didn’t leave me. She got the glass clink from Steven, which the delightful Annie Barrett from EW has pointed out as the ultimate sign he loves a performance. Ok, now she’s got my vote by calling Ryan “Peaches” thanks to their shared Georgia origin. RyRyPeach.
Danielle says…Good song choice for a 16-year-old, and she has stage presence.
Pia- I’ll Stand By You. This got the pimp spot? Really? She better pull out some kind of magic, and fast. Strong voice, old school Idol feel…oh wait, here comes the angelic heavenly light and camera pimping and overly done final runs. Strong, but it just felt so familiar. What did I miss? Why is this the first standing O? Why is everyone losing their shit?
Danielle says…She did good on the high notes, but the rest of the song was just ok.
Kind of a boring night, but the girls definitely had more energy than the boys. There were more clear cut clunkers tonight, however.
My predictions:
You’re safe! Glass clinks for all:
Pia, Thia, Lauren A, Lauren T, Ashton
Pia, Thia, Lauren A, Lauren T, Ashton
You’re biting your 10 inch acrylic tips:
Kendra, Naima, Haley, Karen
Kendra, Naima, Haley, Karen
You will activate your Lauren Alaina voodoo doll:
Rachel, Julie, Ta-tynisia
Rachel, Julie, Ta-tynisia
If I had my way, I would switch out Ashton for Rachel.
I most likely won’t be blogging the results shows unless there’s a really insane result.
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