"What's your favorite scary movie?" "Showgirls- absolutely terrifying!"

I've promised myself I would write more consistently, so this is going to be more of a free association post.

We're watching the Friday the 13th movies on AMC and they are just so very very bad.  Sometimes it's not even in a good way.  There are always the fun cliches of dumb people cowering in the corner in slow mo horror rather than defending or running for their lives.  There's always the hulking killer who somehow manages to be everywhere at once and unable to be killed almost in a supernatural way.  And of course, there's the blatant objectification of women, something I am not a fan of at all. 

I still can't help but love the cheesiness and graininess of a good horror film.  Just the opening graphics alone of part 3 looked like the graphic designers learned a new trick on their Commodores.  It was absolutely hilarious and looked like something I would have been fascinated by as a kid picking through the worn VHS covers at the red carpeted West Coast Video back in the 80s. 

I finally saw Silence of the Lambs a couple days ago (I know, right?) at L's insistence, and it truly freaked me out.  It was a perfect blend of thriller and horror with truly skin crawling (literally!) moments.  It still shocks friends that I of all people saw Red Dragon but didn't see that.  Yet, I get my copy of Sleepaway Camp signed with glee.  Ha!

Slasher, splatter, and torture porn aren't really my thing.  I enjoy it but don't go nuts for it... I have to be in the right mood for those kinds of films.  Yeah, I own Hostel 2 (for Roger Bart), Devil's Rejects and House of 1000 Corpses (come on, Rob Zombie rules), I saw Grindhouse in the theatre by myself (the previews alone made my day), and I have a slew of 70s-80s horror on my Netflix queue.  I still find myself often desensitized in a way to that sort of violence and don't have a problem watching the gore.  But I was hiding in my best friend's sleeve while watching The Ring because of the death masks.  I can't watch demented or twisted faces and eyes, it's just too much for me.  Often what is glimpsed, inferred, or done in a truly psychopathic way is what sticks in my mind and scares me the most.  Like Twin Peaks.  But that's another entry altogether!

We just adore Halloween and the dark spooky aspects.  We are truly macabre geeks, and we love it!  For Halloween this year, we're decking the house out in a twisted Wonderland for a party, kind of like American McGee but with our own flair.  It's already looking amazing.  L is going to be the batshit Mad Hatter, and I'm going to be the crazed Queen of Hearts.  We didn't get the typical costumes you find at the store.  It's going to look a-maz-ing.  I love Halloween so damn much!!!

Now time to watch part 4 starring the one and only Crispin Glover.  Bless 80s horror cheese!

"What good is sitting alone in your room, come hear the music play..."

Today makes it exactly 10 years since I first saw Cabaret at Studio 54 in New York.  I had seen two Broadway shows previously, but Cabaret is what really jump started my obsession with live theatre.  I ended up seeing the show 45 times (you read that correctly) over the next four years, right through the final closing performance.

The show changed my life in that I was no longer afraid to take day trips up to the city and get to know the ins and outs better than a typical tourist.  I started seeing as many shows as I could (and often many repeats of my favorites or ones featuring favorite actors) and though it burned a hole in my bank account, I have a plethora of treasured memories.  I "stage doored" often and have an album filled with pictures of me with actors and actresses.  I learned about the online social culture and ended up meeting with people who I consider some of my dearest friends.  I worked on websites that were actually quite popular.  My writing was actually enjoyed and anticipated by people.  I learned that it was ok to be a full-fledged fan geek. 

I haven't been able to go to shows like I used to, as bills and real life have prevented me from getting up there.  I live relatively close, but train tickets have gotten very expensive and my job prevents me from just dashing onto a 3 pm train like I used to on a weekday.  The weekends are now spent with my bf and local friends.  If I see my out-of-town friends, I have to make special plans.  Nothing is just a "whim" anymore, and a $55 show is still a deal...but not twice nearly every weekend. 

I miss my old cavalier and cultured life, but I wouldn't trade it for my current one for anything.  I feel like I used those shows to fill a void.  This isn't entirely true, as I truly enjoy going to the theatre, but they were all I focused upon.  I built my life around those shows and gigs.  I wouldn't go to NY to just hang out, I had to have a show in there too otherwise it felt like a wasted opportunity.  Now I only go up to chill with my friends!  Though I haven't done it very often lately, and I really do need to remedy that.  Life changes along with our interests and priorities (and bills), but I do need to make more of an effort.  I miss my girls very much and really want them to get to know my bf. 

NYC theatre filled my life from 2000-2007, but that doesn't mean it's gone for good.  Hopefully I'll be able to integrate back into my future, but I am certainly grateful for the way it helped shape me into the person I am today. 

"I have a FAT ASS"

I haven't been feeling too great about myself lately.  25 lbs packed back on over a year, and I have to wear a form fitting chiffon halter bridesmaid dress on Sunday.  Well, I picked the dress style, so it's flattering to my body, but still.  I look different than I did when I was this weight before, as I've been working with a trainer for a year now.  I've started toning nicely, but the weight came back right in my midsection.  First to gain, last to go.  Ugh.  Ugh.  It was already still big. 

I feel like crap, and rather than taking hardcore action, I've just become passive and lost my energy.  I'm not eating terribly or anything, but it's certainly not free of white carbs, and I feel the bloat.  I just want to look pretty for the wedding pictures, dammit.  I don't want to be the fat girl in the bridal party, and that's just what I'm going to be.  There was always another girl around my size in the other 3 weddings I've been in, but this one is full of slender girls.  And then there's me, the big purple bump on the end.  I'm terrified I'm going to look like Grimace or Barney or something.  I don't want to see double chin in these pictures.  Ugh, now I'm freaking myself out.  I should really just fast till Sunday morning, but that's not healthy either and would probably backfire.

I just need to get ACTIVE.  Why the hell won't my motivation kick in??  I think this is a big reason why I'm miserable with myself.  I feel like I've failed.  L tells me I haven't and that he loves me no matter what I look like, and I know he means it.  I know he'd only be disappointed if I gave up altogether, and I really am trying to take control of my diet again.  It's just the energy level....and I know that cardio brings endorphins which are mood elevators, but it always feels like once I get into that routine that something comes along to mess it up.  I feel like I'm just spouting out excuses, and that pisses me off even more.  Stupid perfectionism.

I just want to be comfortable with myself.  I've accepted the fact that I'll never be a thin girl.  Even if I did get totally toned, I'd still be a curvy pear.  It's just my genetics, and I do enjoy having a figure suited for retro clothes.  I would just like to not have jerks ask me if I'm pregnant.  You know, my arms and legs and chest/shoulders really have gotten smaller.  It's just this damn midsection, and then insensitive people make me feel like crap with dumb questions or comments.  But I have to remember that it's their issues, not mine.

Hopefully I'll de-bloat for the wedding and get my hair done and put on the contacts and feel all sorts of pretty.  Hopefully.  It happened last year, let's keep fingers crossed that it'll happen again. 

"at least you're not alone, your friends are there too"

Lately, I've been kind of down.  It's not just because I'm turning 30.  I'm the last of my best friends to go through it over the year, and everyone else has emerged unscathed.  I know it's not the end of the world.  The one bratty thing I have is that saying you're in your 20s just feels good, like you obviously are an "adult," but are still young and still able to get away with some behaviors or actions.  When you hit 30, people suddenly start expecting you to have answers and solutions to everything in your life! 


Maybe I'm overreacting.  I hear from people significantly past the landmark age that it's actually one of their favorite decades.  Maybe I can still be "young" but with more life experience.  I have friends in all different age brackets, and my love is 4 years younger than me.  On one hand, people could be jealous that I have a younger handsome man, but on the other hand I feel like an old hag next to him sometimes.  And it's not even that big a difference!  We're on the same wavelength with just about everything and aren't even a generation apart.  And bite your tongue before you even say the animal c-word. 

I could be worried because my father didn't even live to see 39, but that's thanks to cardiac problems, drugs, and manic behavior.  I am working on bettering myself so I can live past 38 and not be a repeat of that abusive piece of shit.  I have so much to live for.  However, every time I get lazy or unmotivated or have a temper flare, I worry that I'm going to end up like him.  But I'm not my parents.  My current life at 29 is nothing like either of theirs was...hell, I was 2 when my mom was 29! 

The musical tick...Tick...Boom! is really going to help me get through this month.  I can guarantee you there's going to be a whole other post about that, so I'm going to spare any diatribes and youtube links about that right now.  But I just can't believe that something that I could only vaguely understand 9 years ago is now upon me.  "Stop the clock...take time out..."

I don't think it helps that I'm going to be in my 4th wedding in 3 years this Sunday.  It's nobody's fault, I want to be there for all my besties on their special day!  But it just really all happened quickly.  I refuse to be in anyone else's wedding until my own now!  My love joked, "Four weddings, well let's hope there's no funeral coming!"  Heh.  Very true.  I'd much rather be getting my nails done for a joyous day than putting on the black for a mournful day.

So why am I down?  Well, it's a mix of everything above, worrying about family, worrying about finding a better job and being able to be financially comfortable (there's a pipe dream), upset about gaining weight back, and I just don't always handle that well.  I'm handling it better than I did in the past though, as having my love by my side really does calm me down.  Having someone in your life who loves you and is devoted to you is the biggest gift of all.  And I didn't even find him till the very end of my 20s.  So maybe it wasn't that great a decade after all.  Maybe the best is yet to come in my 30s.  As long as he's with me, I know I am capable of doing anything.