"we can dance through all the pain"

Well, I'm 30.  For nearly a week now!  And L gave me the best gift ever by watching tick Tick Boom! with me.  I always knew I'd be watching that on the last night of my 20s, but little did I know that it would be with the man I love.

My trainer told me to wake up on my birthday and imagine myself on the top of a mountain with all of my 20s at the bottom while I held a victorious pose.  I should just breathe and realize everything I've accomplished.  It is true, some major life changes definitely happened during my 20s. 

1.  Found L and moved in together
2.  Strengthened existing best friendships
3.  Everything NY from friends to culture
4.  Found my crunkboo girls
5.  Finished college and began grad studies

It was definitely a memorable decade.  However, I'm actually more excited than ever to embark upon this new one.  The 20s were all about me making excuses in order to just slack off.  That is a horrible way of living, and it truly got me down.  Now when I wake up and see L everyday, I don't want to be living a passive life. 

I want us to find better jobs and to feel more "stable" financially.  I want to enjoy our activities together in our redone house.  I want to spend time with all our friends and to get up to NY once in awhile.  I want conventions to be a guarantee.  I want to lose weight steadily so I don't feel unhealthy.  Looking in the mirror, I feel pregnant.  I need this weight off so whenever that does happen years down the line that it will be exciting to rub a big belly.  I want to spend time with my friends kids and enjoy being an "aunt." 

I want to spend more time with my ridiculously small family.  Who knows how much more time they have...I can't take that for granted.  I need to talk more with my grandmother, stay updated on her life, and learn a lot about her past.  I need to spend more quality time with my mother and know that she's loved dearly no matter what and is not alone. 

I need to take more responsibility and have the bills and housework going like a well oiled machine.  It will only help me breathe.  I want to really find a cardio activity that I relish doing so the weight will come off faster and my heart will stay healthy.  I want to not feel guilty about getting my nails done and my hair colored...if anything, it should help me stay professional looking so I can find a better job.  I want to stop validating my needs.  I really do want to give myself a break.

I always thought I wanted the Hedwig Midnight Radio lyrics tattooed, but L was right when he pointed out what I truly wanted while singing "30/90."  Look above to the title of this here blog.  Damn right!  It's so true. 

"Into my hand now, the ball has passed.  I want the spoils but not too fast.  The world is calling, it's now or neverland, why can't I stay a child forever."

Interestingly, I also adore another part of the song that deals with Peter Pan and Wizard of Oz...hell, I worship the whole damn song, but this hits me as well:

"Peter Pan and Tinkerbell- which way to Neverland?  Emerald City's gone to hell since the wizard blew off his command.  On the streets you hear voices, lost children, crocodiles.  But you're not into making choices, wicked witches, poppy fields or men behind the curtains, tiger lilies, ruby slippers- clock is ticking, that's for certain."

That's the one show I'll always regret never seeing Raul Esparza in.  Christian Campbell and Colin Hanlon were good, but they can't even begin to compare to his performance.  I'll always treasure that little slice of history I hold.

In any event, I'm going to learn to be less hard on myself.  I'm not ginormous, and L loves me for who I am.  I have to realize that I'm not a freak of nature and that I am beautiful.  I am not ugly and gross and pathetic while going up and down in pursuit of my goal.

Turning 30 is only the beginning.  If anything, I can shake the stupid out and finally be the grownup (but still silly) who I've always wanted to be. 
 

Time to refocus before they lap it up...

I'm going to be 30 on Tuesday.

Yes, my boyfriend and coworkers made sure that everyone knew that before I went on vacation thanks to balloons and light-up buttons.  I say I'm embarrassed, and I slightly am, but I'm really more touched that they care about making me feel like the center of attention.

And that's not something I usually care for.  Some days, yeah, I'm the drama queen, the perfect hostess, the grand story teller, the showoff....but that's not quite so frequent.  That's when I feel good about myself.  Frankly, I rarely feel truly good about myself.

I watch my face widen and stomach expand again while everything else stays smaller.  It's the strangest damn thing, but it's all from the training I'm doing while not being too smart about my diet.  Cardio and sensible eating would blast this all away.  But as I'm prone to do, there's always excuses, there's always something that comes up.  And then I just bitch and moan about what a tub of lard I am, and everyone just LOVES hearing about that!

But maybe with 30 will come maturity.  Maybe I've relied so much on being "young" and able to still "get away" with things that I've completely gone up and down and lost all sense of consistency in my life.  Being a yo-yo in diet and emotions is what killed my father at 38.  I've firmly said I don't want to be anything like that man.  So now, on Tuesday, maybe I won't feel different per se, but I'll know that it is time to be a grownup.  To keep my priorities in line and not let myself waste away. 

I complain about the number, but the decade of 30 is apparently supposed to be an amazing one.  I want to start it off right.  I don't want to just be the same old lackadaisical brat who doesn't take care of herself.  I want to feel and look confident and know that I'm on the way to making changes in my life, both in terms of looks, health, job, and time management.  All of the above effects the people I love, and they deserve to have a happy lady for once, not a whining girl stuck in her head.