When I started this blog, I was conflicted about turning 30 and all the changes that would come with it. Little did I know that this whole crazy year was prepping me for one of the hardest losses of my life.
I know life throws obstacles at you and the saying is you never have more than you can handle. Well, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm starting to feel like I'm a lady of steel right now with everything that's been flung upon me over the past 13 years.
Now it's going to be over. Now I can settle everything legally and monetarily and move on with the next steps of my life. Soon I will learn not to feel guilt and know that my mother is watching over me and smiling hugely over my accomplishments. I know all she wanted for me was my own life, but this is all still really fresh and hard to feel "happy" over.
It's even harder knowing that the last milestone Mom was there for was my 30th birthday. Not marriage, kids, better career, etc. Yet, I had this urge to break my writer's block and start this blog a few months ago. I'm starting to think everything happens for a reason. Everything's been falling into place strangely throughout my life.
JK Rowling was 25 when she lost her mother to MS, and she was creating Harry Potter at the time. Maybe I have a masterpiece in me as well. I won't know unless I keep writing, even if it's just about frivolous things, daily life, or pop culture. I started rereading old books from my childhood and preteen years...it's very interesting to reread from an adult perspective. I was an avid reader and it was an activity that Mom and I could always do together. I heard her voice read a line in an old Judy Blume book I just plowed through. It was crazy! It also reassured me that she will always be with me in some way.
I've been thinking about resolutions and how I never really keep with them. One thing Mom often said was, "If I could get out of bed and exercise, I would!" It was never a dig at me; she was simply stating that she wished she could do something about her permanent condition. She accepted her MS, but she also got sad now and then when she couldn't do the activities she used to take for granted. I want to honor her by accomplishing my goals that I've longed to achieve. There is no use in waning and whining and giving up. I am able to do so much with my life, and I absolutely want to make the most out of that gift. Therefore, I resolve to start doing cardio for at least 30 min a day, building slowly as time goes on. I am not focused on numbers, I am focused on health, well being, and feeling comfortable with myself again. Getting myself into a consistent active routine will melt this fat away and start showing off the muscle and strength I've developed.
I'm going to finally finish what I've started and stopped for 10 years. This new decade is going to begin with love, health, and positive emotions. I know I can do it with all the amazing friends and family I have surrounding me.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
"Everything in life is only for now..."
My mommy died on December 12.
This year has already blown, but that was just the cherry on top.
I've taken care of her since the end of high school....she was diagnosed with progressive MS right before I was born. My stepfather had it as well. However, his hit a lot faster, and he was older than her....he passed 6 years ago in a nursing home.
But Mom never had to go to a home. I always said, "You're here till whenever." Even though L moved in, we kept her included in everything and never made her feel like we wanted her out. We didn't! Right now we are missing her so much....this is such an adjustment not to always see her in bed in the living room. She was bedridden and had limited functions, but her mind was relatively sharp for a chronic 57 year old patient.
She passed with dignity and without pain. Though it was an insanely fast shock, was it really a shock? She was getting weaker since July. She never had to deteriorate or lose her mind like my stepfather unfortunately did. She got to be at home and feel loved and not alone and see all the changes we made to the former crapshack of a house. She got to finally see me happy and content in a committed relationship. She got to see her mother (our only family besides cousins across the country) find religion and peace. She knew she could leave and we would be ok.
I objectively realize all this. It's getting even easier to say to people. I can put on a happy face while I do customer service 5 days a week. However, it is still so very painful.
I can find the silver linings in how my life is finally my own and that L and I will have the freedom to do everything we want before making any more steps. Even just little things like not having to base my schedule and dinner around her, you know? I've been getting better sleep and less carbs. Yet I can't help but feel guilty that I'm able to have these benefits. I know she always said "I just want you to have your own life," and I know she would be upset that I feel any guilt. I just can't help it sometimes. I miss her so much, but yet I know that she passed in the best way she could, despite us feeling "cheated" of more time with her.
What freaks me out is how everything just fell into place before she left. I'm very skeptical, but I've been trying to be more spiritual. I don't believe in organized religion, but all the shit that's happened this year has made me realize that things really do happen for a reason. My grandmother said that everything kickstarted after my February car accident. Maybe that happened so I could see just how we don't know what'll happen in life and how there are most likely angels watching over us. It actually opened my mind up to the possibilities of something truly bigger out there. I see why people believe so strongly in those things because it does help comfort with emotionality and fear of the unknown. I truly want to believe there's an afterlife now so that my mom can be reunited with my stepfather and be happy for eternity (and walking). Energy really doesn't disappear, as per a conversation I had earlier this week. Still, there is that little nagging logic at me that says "How do you know this as a FACT?"
In any event, I have gotten through my first Christmas without my mommy. Hell, this is the first time I've ever lived without parents (same for L). This new year and decade (and my 30s) are going to start off very strangely and a bit hectic with all the paperwork and legal matters I need to finalize. But now I can finally start living my life the way that she always intended for me. My mommy wanted nothing more than happiness and contentment for me. Once I truly get used to this, I will actually finally start to be able to enjoy everything. I will always have my mother with me, even if not physically. I will be sad sometimes, but I'm handling this better than everyone thought I would. Even better than I thought I would! There is still grieving behind my eyes, but every day gets a bit easier.
This year has already blown, but that was just the cherry on top.
I've taken care of her since the end of high school....she was diagnosed with progressive MS right before I was born. My stepfather had it as well. However, his hit a lot faster, and he was older than her....he passed 6 years ago in a nursing home.
But Mom never had to go to a home. I always said, "You're here till whenever." Even though L moved in, we kept her included in everything and never made her feel like we wanted her out. We didn't! Right now we are missing her so much....this is such an adjustment not to always see her in bed in the living room. She was bedridden and had limited functions, but her mind was relatively sharp for a chronic 57 year old patient.
She passed with dignity and without pain. Though it was an insanely fast shock, was it really a shock? She was getting weaker since July. She never had to deteriorate or lose her mind like my stepfather unfortunately did. She got to be at home and feel loved and not alone and see all the changes we made to the former crapshack of a house. She got to finally see me happy and content in a committed relationship. She got to see her mother (our only family besides cousins across the country) find religion and peace. She knew she could leave and we would be ok.
I objectively realize all this. It's getting even easier to say to people. I can put on a happy face while I do customer service 5 days a week. However, it is still so very painful.
I can find the silver linings in how my life is finally my own and that L and I will have the freedom to do everything we want before making any more steps. Even just little things like not having to base my schedule and dinner around her, you know? I've been getting better sleep and less carbs. Yet I can't help but feel guilty that I'm able to have these benefits. I know she always said "I just want you to have your own life," and I know she would be upset that I feel any guilt. I just can't help it sometimes. I miss her so much, but yet I know that she passed in the best way she could, despite us feeling "cheated" of more time with her.
What freaks me out is how everything just fell into place before she left. I'm very skeptical, but I've been trying to be more spiritual. I don't believe in organized religion, but all the shit that's happened this year has made me realize that things really do happen for a reason. My grandmother said that everything kickstarted after my February car accident. Maybe that happened so I could see just how we don't know what'll happen in life and how there are most likely angels watching over us. It actually opened my mind up to the possibilities of something truly bigger out there. I see why people believe so strongly in those things because it does help comfort with emotionality and fear of the unknown. I truly want to believe there's an afterlife now so that my mom can be reunited with my stepfather and be happy for eternity (and walking). Energy really doesn't disappear, as per a conversation I had earlier this week. Still, there is that little nagging logic at me that says "How do you know this as a FACT?"
In any event, I have gotten through my first Christmas without my mommy. Hell, this is the first time I've ever lived without parents (same for L). This new year and decade (and my 30s) are going to start off very strangely and a bit hectic with all the paperwork and legal matters I need to finalize. But now I can finally start living my life the way that she always intended for me. My mommy wanted nothing more than happiness and contentment for me. Once I truly get used to this, I will actually finally start to be able to enjoy everything. I will always have my mother with me, even if not physically. I will be sad sometimes, but I'm handling this better than everyone thought I would. Even better than I thought I would! There is still grieving behind my eyes, but every day gets a bit easier.
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