"I have a FAT ASS"

I haven't been feeling too great about myself lately.  25 lbs packed back on over a year, and I have to wear a form fitting chiffon halter bridesmaid dress on Sunday.  Well, I picked the dress style, so it's flattering to my body, but still.  I look different than I did when I was this weight before, as I've been working with a trainer for a year now.  I've started toning nicely, but the weight came back right in my midsection.  First to gain, last to go.  Ugh.  Ugh.  It was already still big. 

I feel like crap, and rather than taking hardcore action, I've just become passive and lost my energy.  I'm not eating terribly or anything, but it's certainly not free of white carbs, and I feel the bloat.  I just want to look pretty for the wedding pictures, dammit.  I don't want to be the fat girl in the bridal party, and that's just what I'm going to be.  There was always another girl around my size in the other 3 weddings I've been in, but this one is full of slender girls.  And then there's me, the big purple bump on the end.  I'm terrified I'm going to look like Grimace or Barney or something.  I don't want to see double chin in these pictures.  Ugh, now I'm freaking myself out.  I should really just fast till Sunday morning, but that's not healthy either and would probably backfire.

I just need to get ACTIVE.  Why the hell won't my motivation kick in??  I think this is a big reason why I'm miserable with myself.  I feel like I've failed.  L tells me I haven't and that he loves me no matter what I look like, and I know he means it.  I know he'd only be disappointed if I gave up altogether, and I really am trying to take control of my diet again.  It's just the energy level....and I know that cardio brings endorphins which are mood elevators, but it always feels like once I get into that routine that something comes along to mess it up.  I feel like I'm just spouting out excuses, and that pisses me off even more.  Stupid perfectionism.

I just want to be comfortable with myself.  I've accepted the fact that I'll never be a thin girl.  Even if I did get totally toned, I'd still be a curvy pear.  It's just my genetics, and I do enjoy having a figure suited for retro clothes.  I would just like to not have jerks ask me if I'm pregnant.  You know, my arms and legs and chest/shoulders really have gotten smaller.  It's just this damn midsection, and then insensitive people make me feel like crap with dumb questions or comments.  But I have to remember that it's their issues, not mine.

Hopefully I'll de-bloat for the wedding and get my hair done and put on the contacts and feel all sorts of pretty.  Hopefully.  It happened last year, let's keep fingers crossed that it'll happen again.