"at least you're not alone, your friends are there too"

Lately, I've been kind of down.  It's not just because I'm turning 30.  I'm the last of my best friends to go through it over the year, and everyone else has emerged unscathed.  I know it's not the end of the world.  The one bratty thing I have is that saying you're in your 20s just feels good, like you obviously are an "adult," but are still young and still able to get away with some behaviors or actions.  When you hit 30, people suddenly start expecting you to have answers and solutions to everything in your life! 


Maybe I'm overreacting.  I hear from people significantly past the landmark age that it's actually one of their favorite decades.  Maybe I can still be "young" but with more life experience.  I have friends in all different age brackets, and my love is 4 years younger than me.  On one hand, people could be jealous that I have a younger handsome man, but on the other hand I feel like an old hag next to him sometimes.  And it's not even that big a difference!  We're on the same wavelength with just about everything and aren't even a generation apart.  And bite your tongue before you even say the animal c-word. 

I could be worried because my father didn't even live to see 39, but that's thanks to cardiac problems, drugs, and manic behavior.  I am working on bettering myself so I can live past 38 and not be a repeat of that abusive piece of shit.  I have so much to live for.  However, every time I get lazy or unmotivated or have a temper flare, I worry that I'm going to end up like him.  But I'm not my parents.  My current life at 29 is nothing like either of theirs was...hell, I was 2 when my mom was 29! 

The musical tick...Tick...Boom! is really going to help me get through this month.  I can guarantee you there's going to be a whole other post about that, so I'm going to spare any diatribes and youtube links about that right now.  But I just can't believe that something that I could only vaguely understand 9 years ago is now upon me.  "Stop the clock...take time out..."

I don't think it helps that I'm going to be in my 4th wedding in 3 years this Sunday.  It's nobody's fault, I want to be there for all my besties on their special day!  But it just really all happened quickly.  I refuse to be in anyone else's wedding until my own now!  My love joked, "Four weddings, well let's hope there's no funeral coming!"  Heh.  Very true.  I'd much rather be getting my nails done for a joyous day than putting on the black for a mournful day.

So why am I down?  Well, it's a mix of everything above, worrying about family, worrying about finding a better job and being able to be financially comfortable (there's a pipe dream), upset about gaining weight back, and I just don't always handle that well.  I'm handling it better than I did in the past though, as having my love by my side really does calm me down.  Having someone in your life who loves you and is devoted to you is the biggest gift of all.  And I didn't even find him till the very end of my 20s.  So maybe it wasn't that great a decade after all.  Maybe the best is yet to come in my 30s.  As long as he's with me, I know I am capable of doing anything.