"tomorrow's just your future's yesterday"

I used to love staying up to watch Craig Ferguson.  What a cheeky sexy devil.  Mind you, I didn't quite stay up.  I would fall asleep around 10 and wake up by 12:30 to give my mother her pills and watch the beginning of his show.  When L moved in, we always tried to at least catch the theme before bed. (Puppets!  "Hey!  Hey hey!")

Mom loved Craiggers (yes, that's what I call him), and she completely gave up watching Conan for Craig.  Then again, she only watched the beginning of Conan to see Max Weinberg's drum solo.  When Conan got shuffled off NBC, I didn't feel quite so guilty for "cheating" on him with Craig.  Craig just absolutely kills me.  His interviews are just so relaxed and conversational while often being naughty.  He really brings out the best in celebrities.

On the Friday night I took Mom to the hospital for a supposed non-emergency, she was a little upset because she barely got to watch TV in the ER.  It really was a boring and frustrating night, but we did talk a lot.  I stayed to make sure she was checked in her room properly.  It's weird because I never really did that before.  I just had an urge to stay.  She was happy because Letterman had just ended and Craig's theme filled the sterile room.  We both perked up because Neil Patrick Harris was the guest.  I was discussing all her medical history and restrictions while she watched that TV with the biggest smile.  By the time I got home, I was ready to pass out and in no mood to watch NPH, but I was glad she got to see something fun before bed.

The next day, she went into cardiac arrest and died.

I don't think I quite have a negative association with the show.  Me and L had happened to see part one of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that afternoon, and we were watching part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade before being called back to the hospital.  Mind you, that's one of my favorite movies in the history of the world, and it was hers as well.  It was almost crazy that it was on right before she passed.  Still, I don't have anything against watching these two movies.  She was watching Along Came Polly Saturday afternoon because she noticed Hank Azaria was in it.  Before we left, L made a joke about how great it would be if "Dr" Jimmy Smits walked in.  Her face lit up like a Christmas tree.  Later that evening, while I was leaning over her dying body and saying my final words to her, I ended up making a joke about how I was sorry the doctors weren't hot like House.  And then I was like, jesus christ, I'm making jokes up to the tragic end!

But that was just what she would want...Mom was always laughing and always fangirling.  Nothing made her happier in those final years than a good movie or TV show with one of her favorite actors.  I'll never forget when Gilles was on Dancing With the Stars because Mom was acting like a horny teenager whenever he came on (her words!).  Or when we'd drool over Bo Bice together and growl for Hugh Jackman.  TCM was her goldmine for Cary Grant marathons.  She would gasp loudly if I found a new Raul Esparza video or mp3 and order me to put it on.  It's how we were able to have quality time together.

Craig was our nighttime routine during the last year.  I can watch him without getting upset, but I just DVR good guests now that I've finally gotten on a normal sleep schedule.  It's just a reminder that my life is completely different now.  I don't have to take care of a bedridden mother and can come and go as I please.  Yet, it's still hard for me to adjust to that, and I sometimes slip into old habits. 

We had girl talk in the quiet ER while I gushed about Law and Order and Kyle MacLachlan.  She just smiled and truly listened like she did when I would turn into a motor mouth.  But then she gave me amazing advice I'll never forget in regards to my career.  She was still being a mother despite everything.  Her body was wearing down even more rapidly over the year, but she still just wanted to have fun with her only daughter in the only way we could.  So while I may not watch much Craiggers anymore, I feel good knowing that she was able to have laughter and big smiles during her last 24 hours on earth.

"Some people choose the city, some others choose the good old family home"

This week of training has sucked so much because of the commute time.  I wouldn't mind being in the car for an hour, but being on the train for 45 minutes in the morning and afternoon after waiting in the smelly bowels of the SEPTA line is just evil.  I truly admire those who constantly commute in this fashion.  Maybe if I was doing my regular job for 8 hrs, it wouldn't be so bad.  Sitting in one classroom for 8 hrs is awful.  God, I don't think I've done that since elementary school! (or since my first round of training with this company)  That's probably why I'm so damn drained at night.  I know it's only been 5 days, but I cannot WAIT for these next 3 days to fly by.

I think it's funny how I'm such a city girl with New York but how I don't care much for Philly.  It's my native city and I don't have trouble driving through the majority of it, but it's not my first choice by any stretch.  Philly smells like piss and gas with an extra dose of sweat.  New York smells too, but it smells like vanilla, steam, hot dogs, and trash.  It's a smell that I happily breathe in.  Their subways don't phase me, except during the summer heat.  SEPTA makes me want to pass out just standing around.  And the train itself!  Bleh.  I'll take NJ Transit any day of the week.

Does this make me a traitor?  Not really, I don't mind hanging out on South St, Penns Landing, Sports Complex, Art museum, Chinatown, Washington Square, the Northeast...you will always see me rooting for the Phillies and hometown heroes along with possessing a super thick Philly accent.  I know where to get the best cheesesteaks (hint: surrounding suburbs), live for Wawa, used to have soft pretzels for breakfast, and feel sorry for anyone who doesn't know what a Tastykake is.   I just don't really feel comfortable.  I don't often know where I'm going and would much prefer going with a friend.  I barely know anywhere fun to go.  If I'm in Philly, there's a purpose behind it.  Meanwhile, I have wandered around NYC by myself for 12 hours at a time while taking the last train out of Penn Station.

No matter what, commuting by SEPTA to a dull ass classroom sucks.  And I suppose it still would if I took NJ Transit to a Midtown classroom.  While my heart is with Philly, my passion is with New York.  I will have to save that love story for another day since I need to relax before waking up at 5:45 am.

"Some girls, they have natural ease, they wear it any way they please"

Sometimes I wonder if this grownup look is a facade or a shell.  Am I really?  Do I want to just assimilate into the professional woman's uniform of heels, skirt, jacket, and layered hair?  After all these years of trying to make myself look different and unique, do I really want to just blend in?

I don't think it's much of a shell.  I'm still retaining pieces of my past (tattoos, daith ear piercing) while adding fun touches like shimmery silver nails, chunky unique jewelry, limbo bimbo hot pink toes, retro flair to my pencil skirts, dresses, tights, and flowy black clothes.  Why does this mean so much to me?  Well, I love color and fun.  I may not be able to wear purple tights to work anymore, but I can still wear my red mary jane kitten heels.  It's all about compromise.  If I'm not choosing to live an alternative lifestyle, then I have to follow dress code.  It doesn't mean I can't have fun with it.

However, my weight is preventing me from having a lot of fun with casual clothes these days.  I really wish Torrid was in more nearby locations rather than being forced into Lane Bryant prices or the emerging Kohls glitter muumuus (though their dress pants are still great).  And Old Navy, do me a favor and just increase the quality of fabric a scoch for the prices you're charging.  Please and thank you. 

I want to be flattering but fun, professional but not stuffy, unique but not reverting back to baggy and pierced.  I want to look my age while still having people think I'm no older than 28.  It's a hell of a fine tightrope to walk at this stage of life. 

It's like my favorite How I Met Your Mother ep, "Arrivederci, Fiero" when Marshall loses the last bit of his youth in his beat up junk car and they examine how every young up-and-comer has a secret piece of their youth that they desperately cling onto.  Since my tattoos aren't going anywhere and are only going to develop, I think my "cling" is that daith ear piercing I previously mentioned.  It's in a very hard part of the cartilage to pierce, is a simple lovely black captive hoop, and is the one thing I got done because a crush thought it would look cool.  L says it was my Daria and Trent moment.  So even though I've had a customer ask me if it was a hearing aid, it's not going anywhere.  I removed my brow, tongue, industrial, and gages...this is my little memory that I can have neatly tucked towards my ear canal.

I look back on where I'm from
Look at the woman I've become
And the strangest things seem
suddenly routine.
-Hedwig and the Angry Inch 

"God gave me this Dundie, and I feel God in this Chilis tonight"

It's really weird...a few months ago, I was comparing myself to The Office character Dwight Schrute and now I have a position that makes me more like Pam Beesly.  I'll essentially be the go-to girl for everything, and I like that.  I don't care for managing or supervising at this point in my life and work much better as a "right hand" in a company.  Now if only they would pay more!  Oh, believe me, I'm not putting down my raise and benefits, but it just really would be nice to hit a certain figure!!

I bought a color Nook to celebrate.  Some new clothes that are professional with a retro flair.  Am continuing to get my nails and hair done.  Got a Kate Spade purse (my first "big girl" bag).  Ditched a lot of my shoes yesterday and bought 3 new pairs.  I still have nice shoes in the closet, but I bought 2 pairs of super cute yet durable flats (black and red) and a pair of taupe shiny pointy heels.  Yeah.  You could say those are truly my first "big girl" heels. 

I think I'm finally embracing my adulthood.  Only took how many years?  I still have my dorky and bumming and casual clothes and lots of hot pink....but now it's time to create a polished look for the workplace.  I've never wanted to succeed so badly in my life!  It's the strangest feeling.

I'm also being insanely serious about weight loss now, and that Nook is a godsend for the gym.  I don't let myself read certain things unless I'm at the gym, therefore I will want to go.  It's only been 2 weeks, but it already feels better.  And as much as I adore sniffing paper, feeling the sharp edges, texture, and creases while holding it up to the light (yeah, I know...insane book nerd), it is amazing to have books at my fingertips that are cheaper and easier to catalogue.  Don't think I didn't buy Tina Fey and Steven Tyler's hardbacks on their opening days though!

Getting back on track, I really do want to be a better person.  Therapy is helping greatly, and while I wish I could talk about this with my mom, I know she's proud from up above.  I know she's always watching me.  I'm just trying to finally grow up.  Doesn't mean I'm not a total kid at heart, but I need to be able to manage my life better.  And now that L and I have made even more steps in solidifying our relationship, it's exciting to think of the possibilities the future will hold for us.  We always talk about it, and it'll be so amazing to actually go through with these dreams.  Nothing hasty though.  That's just not us.

Of course, being a grownup in a mature relationship doesn't mean I'm not desperately trying to put off doing my share of the chores right now.  One day this lazy ass side of me will start fading!       

"Compromise or persevere?"

I got promoted on the 20th.  It's pretty crazy because I wasn't even sure if I should stay with this company, but it turned out I was just looking at the wrong path. 

True, why would someone want to give up stable benefits and a 401K for something that could very well fall through in this day and age.  Being stagnant and a little miserable is better than not having health coverage and a steady paycheck, yes?  No.  I was in a toxic environment that was making me increasingly upset and depressed every day.  I love my customers, but I just couldn't stand the behind-the-scenes aspect any longer.  This effected my mental well being and my physical energy.  I tried to look at job sites and to also apply internally.  But I was not meant to be a supervisor now, and I knew it. 

When I realized that I could absolutely do the customer service side of things with a whole new set of training to go through, I got excited.  I had built a tough skin (finally) over customers ripping me a new one when they don't get what they want or are frustrated. I know I can learn all this new information and processes very easily.  It is the challenge I desperately need.  The manager at the sister branch I applied at loved my energy and enthusiasm, leading to me accepting the job offer.

Energy.  Enthusiasm.

Two words I haven't heard in a very long time. 

I know I kick ass at what I do, but I lost the zest and consistency for carrying it out.  Now that I will be in a new environment with a fresh perspective, I feel so optimistic.  I have aspirations of moving up.  I don't want to wait another 4 years to do so.

I've been comparing this to graduating high school.  I have been given the tools I need to succeed at the next level.  These last couple weeks have felt so good.  Normally I would feel sad and weepy, but I will still be seeing them two Saturday mornings a month, along with having them a phone call or email away.  Normally I would feel guilty for leaving things in such a crazy time, but I can't.  I won't.

I'm free.

Family puzzle pieces

I got a bug up my butt yesterday to officially start doing research on my family.  It's all I could think about last night and today.  What's interesting is that I found out my late great-uncle's 100th birthday would have been March 5 and I found a bulletin where my father won a weightlifting competition on March 5, 1988.    And I found this on March 5.  Yeah.  Both deceased sides of my family gave me a sign to start this!

My mother's side is a cinch.  Every time I think I've hit a dead end, I find more connections and information that bring the puzzle together.  I love seeing all the different lineage sprouting from people on the tree I'm making on ancestry.com.  My cousin is also a huge help.  She was born in '43 and has either met so many of the family that I haven't or had more records than my mom did.  My grandmother remembers quite a bit, but not in as much detail with some family members as my cousin.  I'm finding lots of interesting papers and history from my heritage.  Thank goodness Mom saved all this stuff!

There is a fascinating article about my great-great-uncle Simon Nicholls, a former major league baseball player at the turn of the 20th century.  He died of typhoid fever when he was 28 but not before leaving his mark on baseball and having two children.   His son was the greatest uncle ever to me, and I cried my eyes out when he died on Halloween in 1992.  He's the one who would have been 100 yesterday.   

What's really giving me agita is trying to dig up my father's lineage.  My father was a psychotic piece of shit who died of a heart attack at 38.  I was 10.  The man was just manic and overdid everything, including abusing a young daughter and her disabled mother.  He was the black sheep, and his family, who met me twice, essentially shunned me.  My grandparents were both dead by the 70s.  So, I know nothing.  Nada.  Well, that's a lie, I do know a few things.  I believe my great-uncle is still living in Philadelphia if Google is to be trusted.  But I have an aunt out there....never met, don't even know her last name.  I don't even quite know what my father's full name was since my grandfather changed their surname in the 50s (he was Sicilian, draw your own conclusions).  I have family nearby that have a different last name than me.  That's how whenever anyone asks me if I'm related to so-and-so, I can confidently say nope!  I gathered all the pictures I have from my father's life and just need to grab the slides.  There's not too much helpful about them except that they used to call him by a different nickname.  I vaguely remember my mother mentioning that with him, but I just can't pinpoint it. 

So now I'm totally lost over finding who they are!  I just want to know lineage and medical history, nothing more.  I don't want to get to know people.  They made their stance perfectly clear 20 years ago, and I am perfectly fine with dropping my surname and starting my own family.  The only person I have an interest in meeting (if she's even still alive) is my aunt.  Still, I'm going to have to go to Philly and dig up things, I know it.  The internet has just too much information sometimes. 

I also need to find the obit of the family friend who was supposed to be my godfather before he was mugged and stabbed to death in 1982.  We have two of his paintings up in the house, and I just found a card he gave me for my 1st birthday.  I just wish so dearly that I had gotten to truly meet him.  My grandmother has always wished he was my biological father, as I could have been spared so much pain, and maybe life would have been different.  Or if he hadn't died so early, he could have protected us from my father.  But still, life happens for a reason, and I may not have met the people in my life who are so dear to me. And I know that not meeting L would have been the worst thing that could have happened to me.  The man is truly my soulmate. 

This is all very therapeutic, but very frustrating.  I'm desperately trying to put together the pieces of my background before I move on with my life.  I know it won't happen overnight, but I'm trying my best.  It just gets so frustrating sometimes to see all this family sprouting from my name and knowing that I wasn't a part of so much.  That's ok, my life was weird, but it's still disconcerting at times. 

 

American Idol S10 Top 12 Girls

This is a special entry, as my Idol buddy (and bff of 21 years) Danielle is over for our annual early season get-together!   We would do it more frequently years ago when we were really invested in the seasons, but we make a point to do it once a season.  Season 5 was our ultimate year (Daughtry for her, Elliott for me), and our other favorites included Bo Bice and David Cook.  Naturally, we’ve seen all of the above in concert, along with seasons 3-8.  We are Idol nerds, and we love it.  She’s 9 months pregnant, and this is the last Idol we’ll watch together before she becomes a mommy.  Here we go!

Ry, you’re looking kinda hot tonight.

J-Lo, what the hell are you wearing??  Thigh high leather boots and a shimmery disco ball are not meant to be worn together. 

Look, Randy’s trying to be philosophical, and it just sounds like a bunch of words running around in a circle. 

Oh, I’ll bring it on, Steven.  His teeth are totally capped.  “They gotta sing like it’s their encore song.”  Thank you ST.  Let’s hope the girls get the message tonight! 

Wow, Lauren Alaina didn’t get the pimp spot?  Holy hell.

Ta-tynisia- Only Girl In the World.  A recent song I have on my iPod!  Amazing!  I am digging the hot pink background. But the singing is pitchy, dawg.  This girl has no range at all.  J-Lo, you just meant that it was good that it’s over, right?  They are being far too nice.  Randy is making sense, once again, and I really am terrified.  10 years, and he’s finally a judge.

Danielle says….Good song choice for her.

 

Naima- Summertime.  Hey, this badass looking chick got the hot seat with Ry.  And now she’s actually attempting to cover the song that made Fantasia a legend on the show.  Not that I care about freakin Faaaantasia or her interpretation, but this is risky, especially if you’re just going to go around smiling and unhinging your jaw.  I was left cold with this.  I just…I dunno.  It didn’t do anything for me.  I can see what Steven means with the “new old timey,” I just didn’t care for it here. 

Danielle says…Entertaining because of her personality.

Kendra-  Impossible.  Catwoman, much?  Or as L said, ready for Steven Tyler’s dressing room.  Hmm.  I liked the beginning, but I just don’t see much soul, just a lot of sexy posturing.   What’s with all the amazing comments?  Sheesh.  Kendra Chantelle, you are no chanteuse. 

Danielle says…You’re real white.

Rachel- Criminal.  Now this girl is interesting, and I’m glad she finally got her chance.  And…. I am LOVING the dramatics.  And the dress.  And the song.  Cabaret Fiona.  Working the stage a little early, huh…but this is a song where you would want to work the audience if you’re going for the burlesque angle.  Looks like I’m alone on this.  STEVEN.  There is NOTHING wrong with Broadway.  Pffft.  J-LO.  RANDY.  SHUT. UP.  Maybe I’m just destined for Broadway pop too.  Whatevs.  First time this season I’ve been pissed. 

Danielle says…Like that she did something different, but not this version.  Told you they’d criticize her.

Karen- Hero.  *RETCHING*   It’s nice that she’s mixing Spanish with English, but why this song?  Can we put a moratorium on some crazy overused Idol songs?  This girl’s range isn’t strong enough for this version.  Ok, so it’s ok that she made this her own, but it’s not ok that Rachel did something a little more dated?  Oh, but then Naima had that Ella Fitzgerald vibe.  Hmm, once again Broadway is shit upon.  I’ll let Danielle shut me up and sum this up.

Danielle says…You can’t sing Mariah Carey on Idol.  So smart to sing in two languages though.

Lauren Turner- Seven Day Fool.  I like the tone of her voice and her outfit.  Why are we seeing the judge’s close-ups?  We both agree that Lauren makes scary faces but sings very well.  Googled and found out this is an Etta James song, which is flat out awesome.  I love getting to learn about music like this.  Yes, judges, bluesy soul flavor.  I really enjoyed this.  Strong performance, personality, and a great voice.  Like Steven said, a perfect, full complete sentence. 

Danielle says…I liked it.  Good that J-Lo gave both good and bad criticism, they need that balance. 

Ashton- Love All Over Me.  Very good voice, but she gets a little pitchy when she hits higher notes.  I agree with the judges, she definitely has confidence, and she presents herself well.  However, I don’t love that she chooses big songs.

Danielle says…Token diva of the season.
L says…Why can we see her nipples?

Julie- Breakaway.  Yet another Idol alum song choice!  And she did it in a pretty princess prom dress.  Ugh to both appearance and performance.  You can totally see J-Lo’s Bitch Please face going on there.  And yet she still finds a “nice” way to say she doesn’t like it.  Total Paula vibe, once again.  Hey pretty pretty princess, don’t get pissy, you sucked. 

Danielle says…Karaoke-ish.

Haley- Fallin’.  GET A MORATORIUM ON THESE OVERDONE SONGS.  Anyone who thinks they have any bit of diva sultry soul in them goes straight for this Alicia Keys hit.  Her mouth scares me, and that’s a trashy bargain bin dress.  Haley, remove that bitchface, pronto. Randy is right.  I have not liked this girl’s voice from Hollywood through now.  And now I don’t like her, as any criticism immediately sent her into pickle lipped whatevs mode. 

Danielle says…No no no, go away, you’re bad. 

Thia- Out Here On My Own.  Very strong voice.  I only listened to her performance, and I never would have guessed she’s 15.  Of course the judges are frothing at the mouth, and I agree regarding talent, but I personally would have liked to see her sing a different song.  But that cute hug with RyRy just pushed that thought out of my head.  Awww.  I won’t even bitch about how the judges didn’t mention one word about this being a musical theatre song. 

Danielle says…Amazing voice.

Lauren Alaina- Turn on the Radio.  This girl doesn’t look or sound 16, and I like her so much better with straight hair.  I actually get a Jessica Sierra vibe from her.  Anywho, this is a very strong performance with a lot of energy, blah blah blah Chosen One.  Oh grassy knoll cynicism, I knew you didn’t leave me.  She got the glass clink from Steven, which the delightful Annie Barrett from EW has pointed out as the ultimate sign he loves a performance.  Ok, now she’s got my vote by calling Ryan “Peaches” thanks to their shared Georgia origin.  RyRyPeach. 

Danielle says…Good song choice for a 16-year-old, and she has stage presence. 

Pia- I’ll Stand By You.  This got the pimp spot?  Really?  She better pull out some kind of magic, and fast.  Strong voice, old school Idol feel…oh wait, here comes the angelic heavenly light and camera pimping and overly done final runs.  Strong, but it just felt so familiar.  What did I miss?  Why is this the first standing O?  Why is everyone losing their shit? 

Danielle says…She did good on the high notes, but the rest of the song was just ok.    

Kind of a boring night, but the girls definitely had more energy than the boys.  There were more clear cut clunkers tonight, however. 

My predictions:

You’re safe!  Glass clinks for all: 
Pia, Thia, Lauren A, Lauren T, Ashton

You’re biting your 10 inch acrylic tips:
Kendra, Naima, Haley, Karen

You will activate your Lauren Alaina voodoo doll:
Rachel, Julie, Ta-tynisia

If I had my way, I would switch out Ashton for Rachel. 

I most likely won’t be blogging the results shows unless there’s a really insane result.