"Stand up, kneel, sit down, stand up, kneel, sit down, stand up, kneel, sit down, Stand up, Kneel, Sit down... Genuflect today!"

It was my grandmother's 83rd birthday this week, so I told her I'd go to church with her as part of her gift.  That may sound cheap to some, but it means the world to my grandmother.  She grew up Protestant, married someone whose father was Jewish, and she's had a predominately Jewish last name for the last 50-some years.  About 10 years ago, she decided she wanted to be buried Catholic.  Catholicism always fascinated her, but she didn't have the time to fully convert (she worked up till she was nearly 80).  She went to Adoration every week for 7 years to quietly sit and pray, but no one knew she wasn't Catholic until she asked about the conversion process.  She officially became Catholic on Easter Saturday 2007, and the church has become a huge part of her life. 

What I like is that her personal beliefs about the world hasn't changed due to her religious awakening.  She describes this as putting herself in the hands of the Lord.  My grandmother has finally found peace, acceptance of her life, and a purpose.  She is so heavily involved in all aspects of her church, and she has been a sponsor/godmother 5 times.  Many of these people (ranging in age from late 20s to 70s) have become dear friends to her.  A good portion of them came to my mother's funeral to support us despite having never met her, which greatly touched me.  She truly has a wonderful and warm parish.  I love how she always ends up hanging out with people not much older than me.  My grandmother is just so youthful and brassy and fun, and everyone wants to hang with her.  It gives me peace knowing that she is watched over despite me being an hour away.

I told her I wanted to come with her because hey, it's a huge part of her life, I want to take an interest, and I wanted to get to know the people she's so close with.  They knew I was not about to be converted, and they respect my beliefs.  And I do respect theirs.  I have been to services at all different phases of my life, and it has never hooked me.  I just don't care for the rituals and beliefs in any religion.  Yet, I did enjoy the homily.  She wasn't kidding about her priest being an engaging speaker who really makes things relevant to the modern world.  Otherwise, I was bored out of my mind.  I ended up having to stay with her for a meeting and a class that she didn't realize was occurring today.  It reminded me a lot of my Catholic school days (1st and 2nd gr only, never got confirmed), and I was really getting antsy.  However, I made a promise, and I fulfilled it charmingly.  But that's something I can't really do more than once a year!

I have always loved this Emily Dickinson poem:

Some Keep the Sabbath Going to Church

Some keep the Sabbath going to Church –

I keep it, staying at Home –

With a Bobolink for a Chorister –

And an Orchard, for a Dome –

Some keep the Sabbath in Surplice –

I, just wear my Wings –

And instead of tolling the Bell, for Church,

Our little Sexton – sings.

God preaches, a noted Clergyman –

And the sermon is never long,

So instead of getting to Heaven, at last –

I’m going, all along.

Be a good person.  Keep your beliefs true.  Know that you don't necessarily have to follow ritual in order to find your "next great adventure" as my grandmother describes it.  But if that makes you feel right, then there's nothing wrong with that.  Just keep hate from your heart and actions.  That's my true spiritual belief.   

"And Osiris, and the gods of the Nile gathered up a big storm, to blow a hurricane, to scatter us away..."

The big news on the East Coast this week is the weather.  Earthquake, Hurricane Irene, tornado watch...yeah, we're not getting off easy!  After work this morning, L and I have been sitting in front of the TV all day.  The 2nd tornado update was too much, so we're just wide awake, following news up to the minute online, and playing video games.

This week of natural disasters has been much more peaceful.  When we used to have things like power outages or threat of horrible weather, I always used to worry about Mom.  What if there was a true emergency and an ambulance couldn't make it?  I just realized today on the FEMA website that there are all these disaster guides for mobile and immobile people.  Now, even thought it doesn't matter anymore, I feel horrible for not having a backup plan in place for Mom when she was alive.  I never thought about hurricanes or tornadoes because they are so infrequent in this area.  We don't live near water, and we don't have a basement, so we're pretty lucky.  In regards to tornadoes, I figured I would just push her bed about 5 feet closer to the middle of the house and jump on top of her with the foldout bed mattress.  In regards to possible fire, I figured my adrenaline would be through the roof, and that I would push her bed right out the damn front door, no matter how much I'd end up tearing off the side wall.  But I never thought about possible evacuation...dear god, can you imagine?

I remember being a little girl and living in the second floor of our tiny duplex.  Mom sprung right into action when there was a bad storm.  My father was usually at work, so it was just the two of us.  She would grab me and hold me as we sat with our backs against the front door.  It was the midpoint of the house so we were as far away from windows as possible and against a sturdy door.  Getting to the basement would have been too risky, though we had a neighbor across the street whose house was struck by lightning.  Sometimes I was scared, sometimes I thought it was fun.  No matter what, she kept holding me, talking with me about it, made me laugh, and just gave me the support we needed to get through the hour or so on the floor.  She was just such a wonderful mother, and I don't think I fully appreciated that as a child.  Then again, who really does until they get older?

I know I shouldn't beat myself up over this.  I should just remember how compassionate and loving she was with me and apply that to any future child we have.

Still, I don't mind having an excuse to hunker down with pizza, donuts, Mario, and movies.  When else do we almost have permission to be lazy bums?   

"Say hello to your friends..."

While perusing the web over the past few years, I noticed that there are a lot of nostalgia blogs, especially for childhood books.  I have spent hours on end reading through these entries and commiserating.  It feels good to know that you're not the only one who has mulled over certain plots or noticed continuity issues or just really really wanted to strangle some characters.  If only you guys were around while I was 8-12! 

I started reading at 2 and read everything I could get my hands on.  By age 6, I was reading Judy Blume who became a personal writing hero for me.  I got piles of books from the library, ordered from the book club slips that would come around in elementary school, went to book fairs, got books for my birthday and Christmas...nothing made me happier.  I even won the MS Read-a-thon in 5th grade.  Being able to do charity work for my mother's illness by reading?  Perfection. 

Naturally, being a young girl in the 80s, I was obsessed with the Baby-Sitters Club.  I ordered them in 3's from the book club in 2nd grade ('88).  My first was Boy-Crazy Stacey, then Claudia and Mean Janine, and Kristy's Big Day.  I got Dawn and the Impossible Three and Kristy's Big Idea separately, and then I finally filled in Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls, The Truth About Stacey, and Mary Anne Saves the Day.  I got Logan Likes Mary Anne! and took The Ghost at Dawn's House, Kristy and the Snobs, and Claudia and the New Girl from the library.  I got Goodbye Stacey, Goodbye and was heartbroken.  Then I started getting the books regularly as they came out (along with the Super Specials), with only a few from the library.  By book 60, Mary Anne's Makeover, I was just done.  I couldn't understand why the girls were so rude to her, and I had moved on to Stephen King by that point anyway.  I didn't know what a ghost writer was, but I did notice that Ann M Martin was "gratefully" acknowledging manuscript preparation quite often. 

Reading other people's blogs gave me the incentive to raid thrift stores, flea markets, and used on Amazon for books.  The chain of thrift stores by me sells paperbacks for $.35, and I often leave there with at least four.  I just filled in my gaps for BSC #1-13, and I am ready to cry with happiness.  Those were the best years.  That's when Ann M Martin really gave her all and created such thoughtful and fun books.  I didn't mind Mallory and Jessi, but Stacey was my favorite and I missed her.  Welcome Back, Stacey! made this young girl so happy.  My mother always complained about Chapter 2 and the typical setup and description of the club members, but I loved reading all the clothing descriptions.  Now I just gloss past it, as it really did get lazy.  I never made it to when Dawn moved back to CA or when Abby joined, but I just picked up the book about Abby's bat mitzvah.  She seemed like a character I would have related to.  I don't tend to pick up too many of the books from the time period I didn't read unless they seem pivotal or interesting. 

Don't get me wrong, I've been picking up plenty of other non-BSC books as well.  My copy of Are You There God? It's Me Margaret is completely tattered, and I found my exact edition from 1986.  Joy!  I found The Pig-out Blues, a book I have been searching for over 15 years for.  I found some more Sleepover Friends and giggled at the Sweet Valley Twins.  I found old Christopher Pike, Fear Street, and old library books.  One of my greatest finds was the same hardback cover of Anastasia on Her Own that I had gotten from the library.  I wish Anastasia Krupnik was my best friend.  Those books still have me laughing at 30 years old, perhaps even more so 22 years later.  I even looked just like her!

I just read The Ghost at Dawn's House this morning, and I can't believe it's been at least 20 years since I've read it.  It felt like yesterday!  It felt comforting and warm.  I plan on reorganizing my 80s-early 90s books in my shelf proudly and starting to blog more frequently about them.  They won't be all BSC, trust me.  I plan on definitely doing the first 13 and selective ones after that (probably mostly Stacey and Claudia).  And there will be nothing about the Little Sister series here, I HATED Karen Brewer.

One series I feel is sorely forgotten is the Who Killed Peggy Sue series by Eileen Goudge.  I have all 4 and will be having some fun with those!  I swear they capitalized on Twin Peaks with that series in 1991.

Eee, I'm all excited.  I have intended for this blog to be a mixture of topics for a long time now, and old YA lit is a big passion of mine!  

"Don't you think I know exactly where I stand..."

I don't get into much detail about my political beliefs with anybody besides my close friends and family.  I feel that no one should be ashamed to express themselves, but I just don't always enjoy heated conversations.  I also feel like I don't follow current events thoroughly enough in order to hold a good debate.  However, I have no problem speaking about women's rights. 

Fox ‘Expert’ Blasts Expanding Access To Birth Control: ‘Are We Going To Do Pedicures And Manicures As Well?’

Reading this article enraged me to the point that I am just laying my beliefs out on the table.

I am a humanist.  I believe that both genders should be equal and loved and that we should treat others the way we want to be treated.

I believe in peace.  I don't care for war whatsoever, but I support those who are brave and selfless to go fight for us.

I don't believe in organized religion.  I went through 3 sacraments before being pulled out of Catholic school.  My family is comprised of Catholicism, Judaism, and Protestantism.  I used to be agnostic, but I'm starting to realize there is something stronger out there beyond our comprehension.  I believe in evolution and consider myself to be spiritual.  I believe in love, balance, and karma.

I am a Democrat.  While the majority of my beliefs are liberal, I do hold a few moderate beliefs.  I strongly believe in civil rights for all and keeping religion separate.  Believe whatever you choose, just don't hurt anyone or force others to follow those beliefs.  Give people the opportunity to choose their paths in life.

I believe in gay marriage and adoption.  Marriage is a beautiful contract that is not necessarily sacred.  Are those quickie chapel Vegas weddings sacred?  And who's to say that LGBT people aren't allowed to be recognized in the eyes of God?  No Bible passages please, that is not the end-all be-all of religion.

I feel that America hasn't strayed far from its Puritan roots.  Of course we can punish "promiscuous" women (but not men) and not show sex or nudity on TV (but graphic violence is just fine).  And don't get me started on rape jokes or usage of the word as an everyday verb.  It's not funny when applied to either gender.   
 
I strongly hold a pro-choice position.  Don't tell me how to manage my uterus in the first trimester or in a matter of saving my life, and I sure as hell won't tell you how to manage yours.  That's all there is to it.


I fully believe in sex education.  Anyone who thinks that teenagers aren't going to engage in fooling around is really blind.  Anyone who thinks that women are "asking for it" need a sound smacking.  Birth control is a way to ensure that unwanted pregnancies get cut down.  Before you can say "adoption," think of all those kids who get shuttled between foster homes (sometimes abusive) because there aren't enough people able or willing to adopt.  Some people may choose to blow off the education, but that is their choice. 

I think birth control should be the responsibility of both sexual parties.  It takes two to tango, as the cliche goes.  Mistakes happen, and peoples' lives shouldn't have to be changed forever for that.  I am not going to bring a child into this world on my current income.  That's unnecessary and unfair to the child and our family.  Therefore, consistent birth control is used so we know we did our best to prevent something we're not ready for.   That's my choice.


In this link, the especially heinous points made by Fox "anti-birth control expert" Sandy Rios are conveniently highlighted.  Let's take a look at what this "expert" has to say:


"We’re $14 trillion in debt and now we’re going to cover birth control, breast pumps, counseling for abuse? Are we going to do pedicures and manicures as well?”

Yeah, I equate getting my toes buffed and polished to BASIC WOMEN'S NEEDS.  Is this lady for real?  Is she just trying to be the next sound byte?  Is she trying to join the ranks of Ann Coulter, Sarah Palin, and Michelle Bachmann?  Making sure your newborn child is fed is totally on the level of cosmetics, amIright?  Oh, and how dare battered and violated women be counseled!  What a selfish thing for a women to even consider!  Mental scarring is absolutely nothing!  Women are just weak creatures who should just man the hell up and get through it, yes?

I swear, this woman has raised my blood pressure with just two questions.

“Why in the world would you encourage your daughters, and your granddaughters, and whoever else comes behind you to have unrestricted, unlimited sex anytime, anywhere and that, somehow if you prevent pregnancy, that somehow you’ve helped them. I would submit to you that uncontrolled sexual behavior is what is harming our girls, not our lack of birth control — which by the way they don’t seem interested in taking anyway. Having a baby is not the worst thing. I think having multiple sex partners without any kind of restraint or responsibility is much more damning, why would you support that?” 

Name me one good parent who encourages their young daughters (and sons, hello!) to have unlimited sex.  Teenagers need education.  We're not throwing condoms and packs of pills at them while saying "Go crazy, you younguns!"  We live in a sexually saturated society, and times have changed.  Kids are having sex younger and younger, and I'm not an advocate of that.  Enjoy your childhood!  And as you start having more urges and desires, learn how to be protected and safe whenever that time comes!  I sure as hell won't be "encouraging" my future child to have sex, but I will make sure they receive education.  A lot of poorer areas either don't have the education or don't have the funds for consistent birth control.  Reproductive health care should be an essential part of health care coverage for everyone.

Having a baby is not the worst thing?  How many children does she have, and when did she lose her virginity?  I'm serious!  I would like to know what her background is and what makes her so justified in making a blanket statement like that.  Babies, while glorious for those who want them and are ready, are a lifelong commitment.  Her saying that sounds like she supports teenage pregnancy!  So you'd rather say boo to free birth control but yay to more young parents on welfare?  Should we be telling teenagers from poor families that it's fine to have babies?  I think the birth control will be just a tad cheaper.  We should have the choice to be prescribed free birth control or to keep an unexpected pregnancy.   

Here's my favorite statement!

“In Red China, they have this down to a science. The local health care centers make women come in every month to be examined to see if they’ve had their cycle to make sure they are taking their medication and if they have a baby they are roundly punished, if they have an extra baby that baby is aborted. That is the control we’re moving toward.”

What century are we in again?  We're moving towards "Red" China medical practices?  No one informed me!  I didn't realize there was going to be a dictatorship ruling my period and forcing medication down my throat.  And hold up, so they now support abortion?  I'm so confused!  First she says that we have to avoid birth control but now we should work towards tyrannically implementing it and then aborting any "extra" babies?  Charming.  Don't you just love the consistency in her ideology?


Look, we're not all going to have the same beliefs.  But having such hateful ideas for how women's bodies should be treated really upsets me, especially when so many women are coming out of the woodwork with these beliefs.  Why are our bodies still being treated as irrelevant when it comes to health coverage?

Here's one of the many jaw dropping quotes from Ann Coulter:

"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women. It also makes the point, it is kind of embarrassing, the Democratic Party ought to be hanging its head in shame, that it has so much difficulty getting men to vote for it. I mean, you do see it's the party of women and 'We'll pay for health care and tuition and day care -- and here, what else can we give you, soccer moms?'"


If you want a starting point to find out more about birth control and ways to get involved, please visit the wonderful Planned Parenthood website.  Make sure Coulter never gets that pipe dream of hers.

"Hand me your Stella and fly"

It's funny how life is just so damn good on the chill weekends.  Worked in the morning on Saturday and then hung all day with my bestie and her 8 month old.  Today L and I went to IHOP in the morning and then went to see Captain America (my first time, his second on opening weekend!).  For the record, I loved it.  I totally get why he's all about the legacy.  I agree with him and his friends when they said this should be the kind of movie where you feel propelled to stand up and salute the screen at the end.  Chris Evans was seriously excellent as Steve Rogers.  We did some shopping (new hot dresses, wooo!), came home, and played a new video game.  Well, he played while I messed around on the laptop.

Now it's time for bed and yet another weekend has flown by.  Yet, despite all the action going on, it was surprisingly chill.  I love that, and I hate how it's yet another week beginning tomorrow.  However, I only have a 3 day week because I'm taking a mini-vaca.  Wooooohoo!

I intend to write more in this blog.  And yes, it will be more light-hearted than the last two posts (my friend said I should have a waaaaaaa-waaaaaahhh sound wav when you enter the site), but sometimes I need to get emotions like that out.  It's healthy and necessary.  And some days I just want to chat about my day or pick apart a good book or movie. 

Right now, music is on my mind.  I'm so sad about Amy Winehouse's death, but I don't feel a need to write about it.  I just want to go immerse myself in her Back to Black album like I used to do years ago.  She was truly amazing, and the current music industry is poorer for not having her talent.

However, I will have a need to write about Lady Gaga's absolutely perfect new album.  I am officially a little monster.  Stay tuned!

"Father of mine, tell me what do you see, when you look back at your wasted life and you don't see me."

Note...this couldn't be more different than the last letter entry.  This is me in the middle of working out a lot of issues.  Writing in my blog is therapeutic, and I have no shame in anyone reading this.  I do not expect comments.  I just want people to know the truth.

Dear Dad,

That seems way too cozy.  Too personal.  After all, it's been 20 years since you died, and I only really ever called you Daddy.  That was too good for you as well.  When did you ever truly act like a daddy?  Up till I was 5?  Gee, thanks.  Way to shape those formative years of my life.

Maybe I should just refer to you as Al.  But Al was a so-called "man" who tortured the women in his immediate life.  As Mom said, "Oh you're such a big man, Al.  Beating up on your disabled wife and little girl...such a man."

When people ask about my biological father, I can casually say "Oh he died of a heart attack at 38.  Oh, don't be sorry!  It was a blessing in disguise."  How can someone just cavalierly talk about their father being a piece of shit?  Well it's easy when that father was you.

I had barely thought about you on your birthday until this year.  June 23.  I'm November 23.  Easy to remember.  You would have been 59 this year.  When you died, you looked like you were that age.  The Philly morgue freezer being broken didn't help matters much.  Closed casket.  Cremation.  Barely any attendance.  People really only showed up for me or to make sure you were actually dead.  Then your "friends" and family completely ditched me.  I've met that side twice, and I can barely remember them.  I barely know my family history.  Your parents were dead by the 70s and your sister never called until you died.  I have an aunt who I wouldn't know if I fell over.  We got a sympathy card from your aunt, titled "Dear M and 'daughter.'"  Isn't it great to feel wanted?  I have been shunned all because you were/are a piece of shit.

So naturally I mourned.  I was 10 years old!  What the hell do you expect.  I knew that it was better that Daddy couldn't terrorize us anymore, but it was still my daddy.  I would get beaten for wanting to play Nintendo, watch a movie, go to the circus...I can't even remember it all anymore.  I just have a few distinct memories of you going into a rage because I did something totally innocent that you didn't like.  I WAS A KID.  A CHILD.  YOUR LITTLE GIRL.  Mom had to keep me so quiet when I was a baby because god forbid I wake you.  I walked on eggshells before I could even walk.

We were barely allowed to see anyone.  We were practically impoverished.  Mom had to sleep on the couch for years while you got the room and bed all to yourself, even if you were working a night shift.  You yelled at and beat on her more than anything.  I saw you try to choke her.  You took me to see your girlfriend and told me to lie to my own mother at freakin' 7.  SHE WAS YOUR WIFE.  DISABLED.  THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD.  You told her, "I hate you, but you're a great mother."  So then when you guys were finally separated, you told the green lawyer to draw up papers to steal me from her and declare her incompetent.  Even though she found the papers after you were dead, she still underwent a massive exacerbation with the MS at the sheer thought of that.  Thanks a heap for the parting gift!

And people wonder why I was scared of men for so many years and so shy and uptight.  Surprise!  I ended up making so many bad decisions with men and allowed one person in years ago who was essentially me working out my father issues.  It makes me want to vomit when I think of that.  It took me till I was 27 to find a good man, but guess what buddy, I did it.  And he couldn't be less like you if he tried.  He's everything perfect to me.  He is so disgusted by you that he can't even pass by your picture in an album without wanting to destroy the hell out of it.

So now it was your birthday, and I thought I was over all this.  Well, I'm not.  20 years later and I'm still crying like a traumatized girl on Thursday nights on a sofa.  Yup, traumatized.  I had my mother and my new life to help me transition into the next phase of growing up, but I still never dealt with these feelings.  And you're lucky I'm not putting your full name and picture out in public.  Maybe then someone from your family would randomly google you and finally give me the answers I've been longing for.  But quite frankly, I'd rather put those pieces of my life together myself.

But maybe I'm also upset because I never got to have a childhood with my daddy.  I have a few nice memories, but that's it.  You were a handsome man and you could be funny when you wanted to be.  You were into movies, music, and writing, which are all good qualities I got from you.  Yes, I can actually find a couple!  But I was forced to grow up so fast and be so timid.  Everyone says I was the only person you ever actually loved.  Ok.  I can sorta believe that as I do believe part of this was mental illness and drugs.  But why the hell would you abuse someone you supposedly loved??  I will never understand that.

I can "forgive" what you did to me, but I will never forgive what you did to my mommy.  Never.  You had amazing women willing to love you, and you completely threw it out the window and practically killed yourself while traumatizing and hurting them in the process.  I can thank you for contributing to my conception, but that's about it.

Hope karma's kicking you in the ass.

Your only child,
Chrissi

"With only so much time to spend, don't wanna waste the time I'm given..."

Dear Mom,

Well, another birthday.  At this time last year, you had just gotten home from the hospital.  It was an infection.  Nothing major, just hit you a little harder than normal.  We got takeout and watched Funny Girl, your favorite...ok, you watched it and I fell asleep.  I'm sorry!  I got tired!  Actually, I was always tired.  Now I'm on a more normal schedule.  Today I was just restless and empty.  I had sushi for dinner, something you absolutely hated. I watched Cupcake Wars on the DVR.  Just a normal Friday night.  It's so silent downstairs.  We should be having ribs and I should be falling asleep during a Cary Grant movie.  Instead I'm just having a typically indulgent "alone" night, and rather than enjoying the quiet, I'm hating it.

I miss your laugh.  I miss your humor and your retorts.  I miss you yelling at us to be quiet during the lottery numbers and where the Jeopardy contestants are from.  I miss turning the channel to Entertainment Tonight to see the birthdays in between the final Jeopardy commercial, and I miss seeing what my tv bff Lara Spencer was wearing on The Insider.  I miss you calling Niecy Nash and Elizabeth Hasselbeck bitches and telling jerky celebrities to go blow it out their ass.  I miss you drooling over your favorite celebs and making sure you had certain programs on:  Dancing With the Stars, House, The Mentalist, CSI NY, Ghost Whisperer, Medium (well, those two are no longer), and anything on TCM.  We haven't turned on TCM in forever.  I kinda miss Robert Osbourne.  I was so sad when Meredith Viera left Today and Millionaire to take care of her MS afflicted husband, as I know it would have broken your heart for so many reasons.  I miss showing you new Raul Esparza pix and clips of him speaking or singing.  I miss making fun of some of your likes (Leno?  Really?) and your weird crushes (Snoop Dogg?  WTF??) and how you would bitch about some of my likes (I get Desperate Housewives, but How I Met Your Mother rules, shush!!!).

I don't miss seeing your hands shake.  I don't miss having to wipe your eyes down after laughing too hard and then us bickering about how hard I'm doing it.  I don't miss you slumping in the bed "to the other side of town" as Nanny described it.  I don't miss having to tell you to keep drinking when you were dehydrated and then finding the bottle shoved under your bent arm because you couldn't get it back on the table.  I don't miss having to feed you only because you took forever to chew, but I still feel the pangs of guilt because those remaining teeth had to be pulled.  I don't miss wondering if you were going to remember to eat your dinner if I was actually going to be away during that time.  I don't miss trying to find new ways to make opening containers and bags easier for you.  I don't miss wondering if I was going to have to quit my job and stay home with you to avoid even more aides or have to work extra jobs just to afford more aides.  I don't miss when your mind started getting a bit shaky and touchy.  It wasn't too bad, but I could see it beginning.  I don't miss having to tell you that no you can't get out of bed in the chair or hop in the shower.  I don't miss your laundry having to be done every single day and the washer/dryer often crapping out because of this.  I don't miss waking up to give you your pills because I didn't want you to be up at 3 or 4 in the morning.  I don't miss not being able to stay away for 1+ days without having Nanny come to stay with you and then worrying about the two of you.

I don't miss any of this because it was inconvenient, no.  I was watching you fade away, and it began a year ago.  I tried so hard to deny it and to just find new ways of adjusting to your needs, but I'm not dumb.  It was just too sad to even think of.  And you were never in pain...it was so shocking when you died, but only because there was barely a complaint leading up to the event.  I had more warnings than I realized, but I just didn't think it was going to be so damn fast.

But it's a blessing that it happened so damn fast.  You got to be at home right until the night before, your mind was pretty solid for a severely chronically ill woman, and you got to know L.  Oh thank god you got to know him.  I know he misses you every day too.  It's hard for him now...he may have been companionship for your last 6 months, but you were a companion for him too.  You two bonded, and I am thankful for that.  You approved and knew I'd be ok, that I was with one of the most compassionate and caring men ever and that I was finally happy and ready to start my life.

I should have started therapy 10 years ago...but she's been amazing, and I've really started coming to terms with so much in my past up through now. She thought it would help me to write a letter to you.  I know she didn't intend for me to put it out in cyberspace, but I don't care.  I have nothing to hide.  You were my mother for 30 years, you were the most amazing woman I will ever know, and you are beloved now and forever.  I refuse to let your memory fade and I have no shame in putting these feelings out there to the world.  Now just don't smack me from beyond when I get my next tattoo in honor of you.  :-p

I love you Mommy.

xoxoxo 
Chrissi