"With only so much time to spend, don't wanna waste the time I'm given..."

Dear Mom,

Well, another birthday.  At this time last year, you had just gotten home from the hospital.  It was an infection.  Nothing major, just hit you a little harder than normal.  We got takeout and watched Funny Girl, your favorite...ok, you watched it and I fell asleep.  I'm sorry!  I got tired!  Actually, I was always tired.  Now I'm on a more normal schedule.  Today I was just restless and empty.  I had sushi for dinner, something you absolutely hated. I watched Cupcake Wars on the DVR.  Just a normal Friday night.  It's so silent downstairs.  We should be having ribs and I should be falling asleep during a Cary Grant movie.  Instead I'm just having a typically indulgent "alone" night, and rather than enjoying the quiet, I'm hating it.

I miss your laugh.  I miss your humor and your retorts.  I miss you yelling at us to be quiet during the lottery numbers and where the Jeopardy contestants are from.  I miss turning the channel to Entertainment Tonight to see the birthdays in between the final Jeopardy commercial, and I miss seeing what my tv bff Lara Spencer was wearing on The Insider.  I miss you calling Niecy Nash and Elizabeth Hasselbeck bitches and telling jerky celebrities to go blow it out their ass.  I miss you drooling over your favorite celebs and making sure you had certain programs on:  Dancing With the Stars, House, The Mentalist, CSI NY, Ghost Whisperer, Medium (well, those two are no longer), and anything on TCM.  We haven't turned on TCM in forever.  I kinda miss Robert Osbourne.  I was so sad when Meredith Viera left Today and Millionaire to take care of her MS afflicted husband, as I know it would have broken your heart for so many reasons.  I miss showing you new Raul Esparza pix and clips of him speaking or singing.  I miss making fun of some of your likes (Leno?  Really?) and your weird crushes (Snoop Dogg?  WTF??) and how you would bitch about some of my likes (I get Desperate Housewives, but How I Met Your Mother rules, shush!!!).

I don't miss seeing your hands shake.  I don't miss having to wipe your eyes down after laughing too hard and then us bickering about how hard I'm doing it.  I don't miss you slumping in the bed "to the other side of town" as Nanny described it.  I don't miss having to tell you to keep drinking when you were dehydrated and then finding the bottle shoved under your bent arm because you couldn't get it back on the table.  I don't miss having to feed you only because you took forever to chew, but I still feel the pangs of guilt because those remaining teeth had to be pulled.  I don't miss wondering if you were going to remember to eat your dinner if I was actually going to be away during that time.  I don't miss trying to find new ways to make opening containers and bags easier for you.  I don't miss wondering if I was going to have to quit my job and stay home with you to avoid even more aides or have to work extra jobs just to afford more aides.  I don't miss when your mind started getting a bit shaky and touchy.  It wasn't too bad, but I could see it beginning.  I don't miss having to tell you that no you can't get out of bed in the chair or hop in the shower.  I don't miss your laundry having to be done every single day and the washer/dryer often crapping out because of this.  I don't miss waking up to give you your pills because I didn't want you to be up at 3 or 4 in the morning.  I don't miss not being able to stay away for 1+ days without having Nanny come to stay with you and then worrying about the two of you.

I don't miss any of this because it was inconvenient, no.  I was watching you fade away, and it began a year ago.  I tried so hard to deny it and to just find new ways of adjusting to your needs, but I'm not dumb.  It was just too sad to even think of.  And you were never in pain...it was so shocking when you died, but only because there was barely a complaint leading up to the event.  I had more warnings than I realized, but I just didn't think it was going to be so damn fast.

But it's a blessing that it happened so damn fast.  You got to be at home right until the night before, your mind was pretty solid for a severely chronically ill woman, and you got to know L.  Oh thank god you got to know him.  I know he misses you every day too.  It's hard for him now...he may have been companionship for your last 6 months, but you were a companion for him too.  You two bonded, and I am thankful for that.  You approved and knew I'd be ok, that I was with one of the most compassionate and caring men ever and that I was finally happy and ready to start my life.

I should have started therapy 10 years ago...but she's been amazing, and I've really started coming to terms with so much in my past up through now. She thought it would help me to write a letter to you.  I know she didn't intend for me to put it out in cyberspace, but I don't care.  I have nothing to hide.  You were my mother for 30 years, you were the most amazing woman I will ever know, and you are beloved now and forever.  I refuse to let your memory fade and I have no shame in putting these feelings out there to the world.  Now just don't smack me from beyond when I get my next tattoo in honor of you.  :-p

I love you Mommy.

xoxoxo 
Chrissi