"I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M's and like 3 pieces of licorice. "

Nothing makes a long Friday shift better than feeling like bloated ass when you still have three never ending hours left.

The breakroom at my job is the typical office cliche in its abundance of carbs and sugar.  This isn't good for someone with bad willpower like me.  I'm not blaming my coworkers (or me, the burgeoning amateur cupcake pastry chef), I'm just blaming my lack of control.  Weight is the one area in my life I haven't truly conquered and fear I never will.  It's interesting how the beginning of fall always makes me motivated to seize control once and for all.

Two years ago, I went on Weight Watchers and lost 45 lbs over the course of 9 months.  This is amazing, but I still had another 45 to go.  While on my plateau, I joined the nearby independent gym and got a trainer whom I hit it off with from the start.  Being assigned to her was serendipitous, and she helps me find inner peace during our weekly sessions.  My strength, tone, and muscle increased greatly over a year which affected my arms, chest, legs, and face.  However, I did gain some weight back and that stays right in my huge muffin stomach, which makes me look like a pregnant Oompa Loompa.  It's the weirdest damn pear shape anymore.  I look like I've swallowed an inner tube.

However, this is my fault.  I may be strong and physically fit now, but the fat is still there.  My trainer has been very patient with me but has said the only way I will get rid of that is through cardio.  Consistency is key, even if I just go and do 30 minutes four times a week.  It makes total sense and the gym is so very close to my house.  What's holding me back? 

The other bad thing is going off Weight Watchers.  It worked for me for my initial goal, but I just wasn't a huge fan.  Then signing up for South Beach....oy, there was a waste of money.  (Note to self, cancel after the first quarter in October.)  Focusing more on protein and veggies is really good for me, as carbs make me tired and loaded down, but South Beach is just ridiculous.  If I can just eat lots of lean protein, less meat, good veggies, and whole grains while hitting the gym for cardio 4 days and strength 1 day, I would hit my second goal in no time at all.

What's holding me back?  Why am I so scared?  This morning freaked me out when my favorite skirt started getting tighter.  I can still fit into my wardrobe and my upcoming bridesmaid dress looks great, but I can't keep on this spiral.  Then came work where there were munchkins and soft pretzels...holy crap, why do I insist on making myself feel like I'm floating a baby beluga in my stomach?  I was so upset with myself for giving in to my bad mood, and normally I would go home, eat dinner, and fall asleep early.  Happily, I chose wisely today.  I went home, immediately got changed, and went to the gym to ride the bike and walk the treadmill for a half hour.  And guess what....I felt so much better.  I shouldn't have had those damn organic cookies later, but I'm not going to split hairs.  I didn't just go home and wallow in sadness, and that's the biggest accomplishment of all.

My bf is a member of the gym now as well, which is fantastic because we can go together sometimes.  He also comes in on the last half hour of my training to motivate me and even participate in parts (she loves him).  It's a 24/7 gym which gives me no excuse to just go and walk the day off.  I sometimes get jealous looking over and seeing him jogging or doing like 20 pullups with no sweat, but I have to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. 

I wanted to hit all my goals by the time I turned 30, but I revised that.  I've hit many goals, and I can't berate myself for what I haven't done yet.  What's important is that I'm persevering through obstacles and easing my way back into consistent behavior.  Weight will always be an issue for me, and it will fluctuate, but I just have keep healthy behaviors and not yo-yo.  I have to love who I am, as I really do look the best I have since 1999.  I have more confidence, learned how to dress and groom properly (rock t-shirts, ill-fitting jeans, and shapeless hair?  Not the best choice for anyone, let alone an insecure fat girl), and I have a man who fell in love with me at my heaviest and accepts me no matter what.  I will not die of a heart attack at 38 like my father, and I will eventually hit that number I've been looking for.  Turning 30 means not giving up on my dreams while accepting myself no matter what.  Easy to say, but for once I think I'm ready to do it.