In less than a month, it will be 4 years since you passed.
In these 4 years, I got married, have 2 cats, and have been in 4 different jobs.
In these 4 years, I regained 49 pounds and lost 60. I've never been more fit in my life.
In these 4 years, my best friend's son went from being a 3-4 week old baby to a preschooler. Four more babies whom you would have cared very much for were born.
In these 4 years, your mother's health went from manageable to spiraling downward. I now feel like it's 2001 again and that I'm going through all the facility paperwork that I had to do for my stepfather. The difference is that I know barely any information regarding her health and income, and she's getting overwhelmed, worked up, confused, and frustrated.
In these 4 years, I have gone through more ups and downs that I thought I would have been able to manage more easily by now. 2014 has been the most turbulent year. I went to visit your grave in early October. You and I have the understanding that you're always in my head and heart, but that I can't verbally express anything to you while looking up or at a grave. It hurts too much. I come to lie on the cold dirt and grass to feel your presence when I am in desperate need of my mommy. I asked you for a sign, some kind of relief, ANYTHING. I got laid off that following Friday.
Normally, one would think that would be a horrible thing (and don't get me wrong, it is), but it was exactly what I needed. I needed a mental break, I needed to be out of that toxic environment, I needed to have time to search for a job that will fulfill my needs. I can't just jump anymore. So while it's very stressful, it happened exactly as I needed it to. I can collect meager unemployment while working to get back on my feet. I can get my grandmother where she needs to be. There may be a buyer for the other house. I may actually have things settled by the end of the year.
It scares me a little how things work out. I have spiritual beliefs but a lot of skepticism. I just can't ignore this. This was not a coincidence. You are still looking out for me somehow. I just wish, oh how I wish, that I could really talk to you about these things. And yes, yes, I know, everyone says "She's always with you, you can talk to her anywhere." That's all fine and good, but that doesn't work for me. I've been through nearly 4 years of therapy and have been working through years of baggage, and I'm encouraged to do things at my pace. So if I don't want to have a chat with you the way your mother does while she watches TCM, you know it's not because I don't love you. It's because I love you so much that my insides get torn up because you can't respond to me.
I just wish I could hear your voice again. But everyone who knew you tells me that I sound just like you. And though I didn't hear you that recent October day at the grave, I felt you through the beautiful peaceful nature surrounding me. I didn't want to leave. I could have sat with you forever. But I can't do that. I have to keep living and persevering.
I know I'm a control freak and get upset if I don't know what the future holds, and I know I need to stop that. I'm trying so hard to better myself while I have this time off. Much more so than when I had that employment gap in 2006-2007. I just want to be a good and productive person. You overcame so much and gave me the best life you could, and I just want to show you it wasn't a waste of time.
I love you, Mom. Until next time. xoxo
