"What's your favorite scary movie?" "Showgirls- absolutely terrifying!"

I've promised myself I would write more consistently, so this is going to be more of a free association post.

We're watching the Friday the 13th movies on AMC and they are just so very very bad.  Sometimes it's not even in a good way.  There are always the fun cliches of dumb people cowering in the corner in slow mo horror rather than defending or running for their lives.  There's always the hulking killer who somehow manages to be everywhere at once and unable to be killed almost in a supernatural way.  And of course, there's the blatant objectification of women, something I am not a fan of at all. 

I still can't help but love the cheesiness and graininess of a good horror film.  Just the opening graphics alone of part 3 looked like the graphic designers learned a new trick on their Commodores.  It was absolutely hilarious and looked like something I would have been fascinated by as a kid picking through the worn VHS covers at the red carpeted West Coast Video back in the 80s. 

I finally saw Silence of the Lambs a couple days ago (I know, right?) at L's insistence, and it truly freaked me out.  It was a perfect blend of thriller and horror with truly skin crawling (literally!) moments.  It still shocks friends that I of all people saw Red Dragon but didn't see that.  Yet, I get my copy of Sleepaway Camp signed with glee.  Ha!

Slasher, splatter, and torture porn aren't really my thing.  I enjoy it but don't go nuts for it... I have to be in the right mood for those kinds of films.  Yeah, I own Hostel 2 (for Roger Bart), Devil's Rejects and House of 1000 Corpses (come on, Rob Zombie rules), I saw Grindhouse in the theatre by myself (the previews alone made my day), and I have a slew of 70s-80s horror on my Netflix queue.  I still find myself often desensitized in a way to that sort of violence and don't have a problem watching the gore.  But I was hiding in my best friend's sleeve while watching The Ring because of the death masks.  I can't watch demented or twisted faces and eyes, it's just too much for me.  Often what is glimpsed, inferred, or done in a truly psychopathic way is what sticks in my mind and scares me the most.  Like Twin Peaks.  But that's another entry altogether!

We just adore Halloween and the dark spooky aspects.  We are truly macabre geeks, and we love it!  For Halloween this year, we're decking the house out in a twisted Wonderland for a party, kind of like American McGee but with our own flair.  It's already looking amazing.  L is going to be the batshit Mad Hatter, and I'm going to be the crazed Queen of Hearts.  We didn't get the typical costumes you find at the store.  It's going to look a-maz-ing.  I love Halloween so damn much!!!

Now time to watch part 4 starring the one and only Crispin Glover.  Bless 80s horror cheese!

"What good is sitting alone in your room, come hear the music play..."

Today makes it exactly 10 years since I first saw Cabaret at Studio 54 in New York.  I had seen two Broadway shows previously, but Cabaret is what really jump started my obsession with live theatre.  I ended up seeing the show 45 times (you read that correctly) over the next four years, right through the final closing performance.

The show changed my life in that I was no longer afraid to take day trips up to the city and get to know the ins and outs better than a typical tourist.  I started seeing as many shows as I could (and often many repeats of my favorites or ones featuring favorite actors) and though it burned a hole in my bank account, I have a plethora of treasured memories.  I "stage doored" often and have an album filled with pictures of me with actors and actresses.  I learned about the online social culture and ended up meeting with people who I consider some of my dearest friends.  I worked on websites that were actually quite popular.  My writing was actually enjoyed and anticipated by people.  I learned that it was ok to be a full-fledged fan geek. 

I haven't been able to go to shows like I used to, as bills and real life have prevented me from getting up there.  I live relatively close, but train tickets have gotten very expensive and my job prevents me from just dashing onto a 3 pm train like I used to on a weekday.  The weekends are now spent with my bf and local friends.  If I see my out-of-town friends, I have to make special plans.  Nothing is just a "whim" anymore, and a $55 show is still a deal...but not twice nearly every weekend. 

I miss my old cavalier and cultured life, but I wouldn't trade it for my current one for anything.  I feel like I used those shows to fill a void.  This isn't entirely true, as I truly enjoy going to the theatre, but they were all I focused upon.  I built my life around those shows and gigs.  I wouldn't go to NY to just hang out, I had to have a show in there too otherwise it felt like a wasted opportunity.  Now I only go up to chill with my friends!  Though I haven't done it very often lately, and I really do need to remedy that.  Life changes along with our interests and priorities (and bills), but I do need to make more of an effort.  I miss my girls very much and really want them to get to know my bf. 

NYC theatre filled my life from 2000-2007, but that doesn't mean it's gone for good.  Hopefully I'll be able to integrate back into my future, but I am certainly grateful for the way it helped shape me into the person I am today. 

"I have a FAT ASS"

I haven't been feeling too great about myself lately.  25 lbs packed back on over a year, and I have to wear a form fitting chiffon halter bridesmaid dress on Sunday.  Well, I picked the dress style, so it's flattering to my body, but still.  I look different than I did when I was this weight before, as I've been working with a trainer for a year now.  I've started toning nicely, but the weight came back right in my midsection.  First to gain, last to go.  Ugh.  Ugh.  It was already still big. 

I feel like crap, and rather than taking hardcore action, I've just become passive and lost my energy.  I'm not eating terribly or anything, but it's certainly not free of white carbs, and I feel the bloat.  I just want to look pretty for the wedding pictures, dammit.  I don't want to be the fat girl in the bridal party, and that's just what I'm going to be.  There was always another girl around my size in the other 3 weddings I've been in, but this one is full of slender girls.  And then there's me, the big purple bump on the end.  I'm terrified I'm going to look like Grimace or Barney or something.  I don't want to see double chin in these pictures.  Ugh, now I'm freaking myself out.  I should really just fast till Sunday morning, but that's not healthy either and would probably backfire.

I just need to get ACTIVE.  Why the hell won't my motivation kick in??  I think this is a big reason why I'm miserable with myself.  I feel like I've failed.  L tells me I haven't and that he loves me no matter what I look like, and I know he means it.  I know he'd only be disappointed if I gave up altogether, and I really am trying to take control of my diet again.  It's just the energy level....and I know that cardio brings endorphins which are mood elevators, but it always feels like once I get into that routine that something comes along to mess it up.  I feel like I'm just spouting out excuses, and that pisses me off even more.  Stupid perfectionism.

I just want to be comfortable with myself.  I've accepted the fact that I'll never be a thin girl.  Even if I did get totally toned, I'd still be a curvy pear.  It's just my genetics, and I do enjoy having a figure suited for retro clothes.  I would just like to not have jerks ask me if I'm pregnant.  You know, my arms and legs and chest/shoulders really have gotten smaller.  It's just this damn midsection, and then insensitive people make me feel like crap with dumb questions or comments.  But I have to remember that it's their issues, not mine.

Hopefully I'll de-bloat for the wedding and get my hair done and put on the contacts and feel all sorts of pretty.  Hopefully.  It happened last year, let's keep fingers crossed that it'll happen again. 

"at least you're not alone, your friends are there too"

Lately, I've been kind of down.  It's not just because I'm turning 30.  I'm the last of my best friends to go through it over the year, and everyone else has emerged unscathed.  I know it's not the end of the world.  The one bratty thing I have is that saying you're in your 20s just feels good, like you obviously are an "adult," but are still young and still able to get away with some behaviors or actions.  When you hit 30, people suddenly start expecting you to have answers and solutions to everything in your life! 


Maybe I'm overreacting.  I hear from people significantly past the landmark age that it's actually one of their favorite decades.  Maybe I can still be "young" but with more life experience.  I have friends in all different age brackets, and my love is 4 years younger than me.  On one hand, people could be jealous that I have a younger handsome man, but on the other hand I feel like an old hag next to him sometimes.  And it's not even that big a difference!  We're on the same wavelength with just about everything and aren't even a generation apart.  And bite your tongue before you even say the animal c-word. 

I could be worried because my father didn't even live to see 39, but that's thanks to cardiac problems, drugs, and manic behavior.  I am working on bettering myself so I can live past 38 and not be a repeat of that abusive piece of shit.  I have so much to live for.  However, every time I get lazy or unmotivated or have a temper flare, I worry that I'm going to end up like him.  But I'm not my parents.  My current life at 29 is nothing like either of theirs was...hell, I was 2 when my mom was 29! 

The musical tick...Tick...Boom! is really going to help me get through this month.  I can guarantee you there's going to be a whole other post about that, so I'm going to spare any diatribes and youtube links about that right now.  But I just can't believe that something that I could only vaguely understand 9 years ago is now upon me.  "Stop the clock...take time out..."

I don't think it helps that I'm going to be in my 4th wedding in 3 years this Sunday.  It's nobody's fault, I want to be there for all my besties on their special day!  But it just really all happened quickly.  I refuse to be in anyone else's wedding until my own now!  My love joked, "Four weddings, well let's hope there's no funeral coming!"  Heh.  Very true.  I'd much rather be getting my nails done for a joyous day than putting on the black for a mournful day.

So why am I down?  Well, it's a mix of everything above, worrying about family, worrying about finding a better job and being able to be financially comfortable (there's a pipe dream), upset about gaining weight back, and I just don't always handle that well.  I'm handling it better than I did in the past though, as having my love by my side really does calm me down.  Having someone in your life who loves you and is devoted to you is the biggest gift of all.  And I didn't even find him till the very end of my 20s.  So maybe it wasn't that great a decade after all.  Maybe the best is yet to come in my 30s.  As long as he's with me, I know I am capable of doing anything.

"And my buns? They don't feel nothin' like steel."

Ok, so apparently Clueless is the only thing I can quote from in regards to weight!  In any event, I am very proud of myself because me and the bf went to the gym this evening where I burned over 300 calories in 35 minutes.  That makes me feel so great!  I'm working my way up to an hour because I don't want to overdo it and burn myself out.  Today I posted a picture on Facebook that I made him take of me with the caption "3rd phase of weight loss begins now.  No excuses."  We may have eaten a lot of Italian food this weekend, but they weren't all bad decisions.  Plus, I did cardio 3 times in a week, which is a really good start, especially for me.  The first phase was diet only, the second phase was exercise only, and now I need to incorporate both!  Hopefully I will reach that goal faster than I think.  I just really have to knock down the carbs and increase the cardio.  Easy peasy, right?  Ha!

So on that note, I've decided to specialize in cupcake making!  Funny, right?  My supervisor joked, "That's great, Chris...start a diet and bake nonstop."  I see her point, but I'm already becoming uninterested in chowing down on the finished results.  Splitting one with my mom and spreading the goodness to others is fine!  It's true though, you tend to be more interested in eating goodies that other people made, but I need to be very careful with that.  Immersing myself in this project may be the best thing!  I know I can bake well, it's a matter of trying new things, diversifying recipes, and learning how to do fancy frosting and decorations.  I also want to try some personal healthier choices, like sugar free and gluten free in case I get those requests. 

I found that I enjoyed baking when I was unemployed back in 2006.  Now I make a variety of cookies every December for my friends, family, and coworkers.  Cupcakes are more fun and you can make lots of fun displays, colors, and varieties.  I'm starting to read people's blogs, research online for recipes, put two and two together about basic recipes, where to find good ingredients, and what goes well together.  I bought one book called The Artful Cupcake and I might try to take a couple of those free classes at AC Moore.  I just really need a hands-on creative hobby.  I know I won't be anything like Magnolia or those fancy bakeries out there, but hey...who knows!  I even have a name picked out for my potential side business (Buffy nerds would be very happy)...I would like to have my bf design the logo and I could put a sticker on the boxes.  As of now they'll just be gifts or favors, but hey...who knows! 

It makes me smile when I master something new like melting chocolate and add something new to my repertoire.  I don't want to just give up when it gets hard, and that makes me very proud. 

"I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M's and like 3 pieces of licorice. "

Nothing makes a long Friday shift better than feeling like bloated ass when you still have three never ending hours left.

The breakroom at my job is the typical office cliche in its abundance of carbs and sugar.  This isn't good for someone with bad willpower like me.  I'm not blaming my coworkers (or me, the burgeoning amateur cupcake pastry chef), I'm just blaming my lack of control.  Weight is the one area in my life I haven't truly conquered and fear I never will.  It's interesting how the beginning of fall always makes me motivated to seize control once and for all.

Two years ago, I went on Weight Watchers and lost 45 lbs over the course of 9 months.  This is amazing, but I still had another 45 to go.  While on my plateau, I joined the nearby independent gym and got a trainer whom I hit it off with from the start.  Being assigned to her was serendipitous, and she helps me find inner peace during our weekly sessions.  My strength, tone, and muscle increased greatly over a year which affected my arms, chest, legs, and face.  However, I did gain some weight back and that stays right in my huge muffin stomach, which makes me look like a pregnant Oompa Loompa.  It's the weirdest damn pear shape anymore.  I look like I've swallowed an inner tube.

However, this is my fault.  I may be strong and physically fit now, but the fat is still there.  My trainer has been very patient with me but has said the only way I will get rid of that is through cardio.  Consistency is key, even if I just go and do 30 minutes four times a week.  It makes total sense and the gym is so very close to my house.  What's holding me back? 

The other bad thing is going off Weight Watchers.  It worked for me for my initial goal, but I just wasn't a huge fan.  Then signing up for South Beach....oy, there was a waste of money.  (Note to self, cancel after the first quarter in October.)  Focusing more on protein and veggies is really good for me, as carbs make me tired and loaded down, but South Beach is just ridiculous.  If I can just eat lots of lean protein, less meat, good veggies, and whole grains while hitting the gym for cardio 4 days and strength 1 day, I would hit my second goal in no time at all.

What's holding me back?  Why am I so scared?  This morning freaked me out when my favorite skirt started getting tighter.  I can still fit into my wardrobe and my upcoming bridesmaid dress looks great, but I can't keep on this spiral.  Then came work where there were munchkins and soft pretzels...holy crap, why do I insist on making myself feel like I'm floating a baby beluga in my stomach?  I was so upset with myself for giving in to my bad mood, and normally I would go home, eat dinner, and fall asleep early.  Happily, I chose wisely today.  I went home, immediately got changed, and went to the gym to ride the bike and walk the treadmill for a half hour.  And guess what....I felt so much better.  I shouldn't have had those damn organic cookies later, but I'm not going to split hairs.  I didn't just go home and wallow in sadness, and that's the biggest accomplishment of all.

My bf is a member of the gym now as well, which is fantastic because we can go together sometimes.  He also comes in on the last half hour of my training to motivate me and even participate in parts (she loves him).  It's a 24/7 gym which gives me no excuse to just go and walk the day off.  I sometimes get jealous looking over and seeing him jogging or doing like 20 pullups with no sweat, but I have to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. 

I wanted to hit all my goals by the time I turned 30, but I revised that.  I've hit many goals, and I can't berate myself for what I haven't done yet.  What's important is that I'm persevering through obstacles and easing my way back into consistent behavior.  Weight will always be an issue for me, and it will fluctuate, but I just have keep healthy behaviors and not yo-yo.  I have to love who I am, as I really do look the best I have since 1999.  I have more confidence, learned how to dress and groom properly (rock t-shirts, ill-fitting jeans, and shapeless hair?  Not the best choice for anyone, let alone an insecure fat girl), and I have a man who fell in love with me at my heaviest and accepts me no matter what.  I will not die of a heart attack at 38 like my father, and I will eventually hit that number I've been looking for.  Turning 30 means not giving up on my dreams while accepting myself no matter what.  Easy to say, but for once I think I'm ready to do it. 

The most wonderful time of the year....

I may not know the joyous rapture of that classic Staples commercial yet, but fall will always be my favorite season.  Though it may be the first day of September, this area is going back into the 90 degree weather for a bit, which really isn't helping my mood much. 

I want to feel the crisp air and the smell of leaves and fireplaces beginning to reignite.  I want to see the colors change and see the days turn into night faster.  Well, I do miss the late sunsets, but even so it's ok as long as I get to put on my flannel jammies and curl up under the covers.  I want to grab my favorite hoodies and go shopping for Halloween and Thanksgiving decorations.  The farmers markets will be reopening along the road and we can gather mums and go pumpkin picking.  I never actually carved a pumpkin until last year, which surprises me since I'm obsessed with the smell and flavor.  Pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin Starbucks treats, mmm.  And don't forget that evil confection otherwise known as candy corn.  It's so bad yet so good. 

What's really exciting me is that this year is the first my boyfriend and I will be living together during the fall.  It's our favorite season, and he's obsessed with Halloween so we'll truly have a rockin' yard.  It was harder when he was just here on weekends, but we still got a pretty cool pumpkin graveyard going last year.  We were also more focused upon the Halloween wedding I was in and gathering the pieces together for our Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett costumes.  Yeah folks, we're delightfully macabre.  It's going to be amazing to share this with him. 

While decorating the house, we found one of Van Gogh's prints Wheat Field with Crows, and it sums up much of the darker aspects about fall that I find so appealing.  I look at it and see the howling wind, the deep toned night sky, the harvest pushing against the wind, the Gothic crows surrounding the scene.  It's just beautiful. 

I'm also particularly fond of the opening credits to the movie Halloween 4.  Don't groan, it's an excellent representation of classic fall symbols!  The minimal music was a wise choice as it showcases the creepiness of these simple blowing decorations, scarecrows, and farmland.  It's really more of a Midwestern representation, but you don't have to live on a farm to feel the ambiance and a shared memory.  Books, movies, and TV shows that one grows up with often makes Halloween and fall within wide open spaces of land and small towns.  Fall feels beautiful in the city and the lights and colors play off brilliantly against the buildings, but nothing is going to quite affect you as much as the sight or memory of going to the Mom & Pop drugstore to buy your costume. 

Fall and Halloween brings out my inner nostalgia and as I got older I also learned to appreciate the sensuality  of the crisp, multicolored, yet dark and howling season.  Many memories flood me, whether it's the good old days of trick or treating on a block where people actually enjoyed the holiday, going and looking at a scarecrow arts competition in a nearby village during college, walking through NYC on my way to the annual Broadway Cares flea market, or stocking the store I used to work at with our multitudes of Halloween merchandise and listening to the amazing seasonal and spooky contemporary music (that I managed to recreate on my iTunes). If you need me this season, I'll be sipping on a pumpkin frapp while watching slasher movies in my navy cableknit hoodie.