"The helpful hand that guides you along..."

Dear Mom,

In less than a month, it will be 4 years since you passed.

In these 4 years, I got married, have 2 cats, and have been in 4 different jobs.

In these 4 years, I regained 49 pounds and lost 60.  I've never been more fit in my life.

In these 4 years, my best friend's son went from being a 3-4 week old baby to a preschooler.  Four more babies whom you would have cared very much for were born.

In these 4 years, your mother's health went from manageable to spiraling downward.  I now feel like it's 2001 again and that I'm going through all the facility paperwork that I had to do for my stepfather.  The difference is that I know barely any information regarding her health and income, and she's getting overwhelmed, worked up, confused, and frustrated.  

In these 4 years, I have gone through more ups and downs that I thought I would have been able to manage more easily by now.  2014 has been the most turbulent year.  I went to visit your grave in early October.  You and I have the understanding that you're always in my head and heart, but that I can't verbally express anything to you while looking up or at a grave.  It hurts too much.  I come to lie on the cold dirt and grass to feel your presence when I am in desperate need of my mommy.  I asked you for a sign, some kind of relief, ANYTHING.  I got laid off that following Friday.

Normally, one would think that would be a horrible thing (and don't get me wrong, it is), but it was exactly what I needed.  I needed a mental break, I needed to be out of that toxic environment, I needed to have time to search for a job that will fulfill my needs.  I can't just jump anymore.  So while it's very stressful, it happened exactly as I needed it to.  I can collect meager unemployment while working to get back on my feet.  I can get my grandmother where she needs to be.  There may be a buyer for the other house.  I may actually have things settled by the end of the year.

It scares me a little how things work out.  I have spiritual beliefs but a lot of skepticism.  I just can't ignore this.  This was not a coincidence.  You are still looking out for me somehow.  I just wish, oh how I wish, that I could really talk to you about these things.  And yes, yes, I know, everyone says "She's always with you, you can talk to her anywhere."  That's all fine and good, but that doesn't work for me.  I've been through nearly 4 years of therapy and have been working through years of baggage, and I'm encouraged to do things at my pace.  So if I don't want to have a chat with you the way your mother does while she watches TCM, you know it's not because I don't love you.  It's because I love you so much that my insides get torn up because you can't respond to me.

I just wish I could hear your voice again.  But everyone who knew you tells me that I sound just like you.  And though I didn't hear you that recent October day at the grave, I felt you through the beautiful peaceful nature surrounding me.  I didn't want to leave.  I could have sat with you forever.  But I can't do that.  I have to keep living and persevering.

And I'm just so scared.  I'm going to be 34 in a week, and while I know I've accomplished quite a bit, I feel like I'm just going to mess up and fail and lose everything.  I can't afford to do that.  I need to be a strong anchor for my family the way you were for me for 30 years.

I know I'm a control freak and get upset if I don't know what the future holds, and I know I need to stop that.  I'm trying so hard to better myself while I have this time off.  Much more so than when I had that employment gap in 2006-2007.  I just want to be a good and productive person.  You overcame so much and gave me the best life you could, and I just want to show you it wasn't a waste of time.

I love you, Mom.  Until next time.  xoxo

The most wonderful time of the year....

I may not know the joyous rapture of that classic Staples commercial yet, but fall will always be my favorite season.  Though it may be the first day of September, this area is going back into the 90 degree weather for a bit, which really isn't helping my mood much. 

I want to feel the crisp air and the smell of leaves and fireplaces beginning to reignite.  I want to see the colors change and see the days turn into night faster.  Well, I do miss the late sunsets, but even so it's ok as long as I get to put on my flannel jammies and curl up under the covers.  I want to grab my favorite hoodies and go shopping for Halloween and Thanksgiving decorations.  The farmers markets will be reopening along the road and we can gather mums and go pumpkin picking.  I never actually carved a pumpkin until last year, which surprises me since I'm obsessed with the smell and flavor.  Pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin Starbucks treats, mmm.  And don't forget that evil confection otherwise known as candy corn.  It's so bad yet so good. 

What's really exciting me is that this year is the first my boyfriend and I will be living together during the fall.  It's our favorite season, and he's obsessed with Halloween so we'll truly have a rockin' yard.  It was harder when he was just here on weekends, but we still got a pretty cool pumpkin graveyard going last year.  We were also more focused upon the Halloween wedding I was in and gathering the pieces together for our Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett costumes.  Yeah folks, we're delightfully macabre.  It's going to be amazing to share this with him. 

While decorating the house, we found one of Van Gogh's prints Wheat Field with Crows, and it sums up much of the darker aspects about fall that I find so appealing.  I look at it and see the howling wind, the deep toned night sky, the harvest pushing against the wind, the Gothic crows surrounding the scene.  It's just beautiful. 

I'm also particularly fond of the opening credits to the movie Halloween 4.  Don't groan, it's an excellent representation of classic fall symbols!  The minimal music was a wise choice as it showcases the creepiness of these simple blowing decorations, scarecrows, and farmland.  It's really more of a Midwestern representation, but you don't have to live on a farm to feel the ambiance and a shared memory.  Books, movies, and TV shows that one grows up with often makes Halloween and fall within wide open spaces of land and small towns.  Fall feels beautiful in the city and the lights and colors play off brilliantly against the buildings, but nothing is going to quite affect you as much as the sight or memory of going to the Mom & Pop drugstore to buy your costume. 

Fall and Halloween brings out my inner nostalgia and as I got older I also learned to appreciate the sensuality  of the crisp, multicolored, yet dark and howling season.  Many memories flood me, whether it's the good old days of trick or treating on a block where people actually enjoyed the holiday, going and looking at a scarecrow arts competition in a nearby village during college, walking through NYC on my way to the annual Broadway Cares flea market, or stocking the store I used to work at with our multitudes of Halloween merchandise and listening to the amazing seasonal and spooky contemporary music (that I managed to recreate on my iTunes). If you need me this season, I'll be sipping on a pumpkin frapp while watching slasher movies in my navy cableknit hoodie.