Goodbye decade, good riddance year

When I started this blog, I was conflicted about turning 30 and all the changes that would come with it.  Little did I know that this whole crazy year was prepping me for one of the hardest losses of my life.

I know life throws obstacles at you and the saying is you never have more than you can handle.  Well, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm starting to feel like I'm a lady of steel right now with everything that's been flung upon me over the past 13 years. 

Now it's going to be over.  Now I can settle everything legally and monetarily and move on with the next steps of my life.  Soon I will learn not to feel guilt and know that my mother is watching over me and smiling hugely over my accomplishments.  I know all she wanted for me was my own life, but this is all still really fresh and hard to feel "happy" over. 

It's even harder knowing that the last milestone Mom was there for was my 30th birthday.  Not marriage, kids, better career, etc.  Yet, I had this urge to break my writer's block and start this blog a few months ago.  I'm starting to think everything happens for a reason.  Everything's been falling into place strangely throughout my life.

JK Rowling was 25 when she lost her mother to MS, and she was creating Harry Potter at the time.  Maybe I have a masterpiece in me as well.  I won't know unless I keep writing, even if it's just about frivolous things, daily life, or pop culture.  I started rereading old books from my childhood and preteen years...it's very interesting to reread from an adult perspective.  I was an avid reader and it was an activity that Mom and I could always do together.  I heard her voice read a line in an old Judy Blume book I just plowed through.  It was crazy!  It also reassured me that she will always be with me in some way.

I've been thinking about resolutions and how I never really keep with them.  One thing Mom often said was, "If I could get out of bed and exercise, I would!"  It was never a dig at me; she was simply stating that she wished she could do something about her permanent condition.  She accepted her MS, but she also got sad now and then when she couldn't do the activities she used to take for granted.  I want to honor her by accomplishing my goals that I've longed to achieve.  There is no use in waning and whining and giving up.  I am able to do so much with my life, and I absolutely want to make the most out of that gift.  Therefore, I resolve to start doing cardio for at least 30 min a day, building slowly as time goes on.  I am not focused on numbers, I am focused on health, well being, and feeling comfortable with myself again.  Getting myself into a consistent active routine will melt this fat away and start showing off the muscle and strength I've developed. 

I'm going to finally finish what I've started and stopped for 10 years.  This new decade is going to begin with love, health, and positive emotions.  I know I can do it with all the amazing friends and family I have surrounding me.

"I have a FAT ASS"

I haven't been feeling too great about myself lately.  25 lbs packed back on over a year, and I have to wear a form fitting chiffon halter bridesmaid dress on Sunday.  Well, I picked the dress style, so it's flattering to my body, but still.  I look different than I did when I was this weight before, as I've been working with a trainer for a year now.  I've started toning nicely, but the weight came back right in my midsection.  First to gain, last to go.  Ugh.  Ugh.  It was already still big. 

I feel like crap, and rather than taking hardcore action, I've just become passive and lost my energy.  I'm not eating terribly or anything, but it's certainly not free of white carbs, and I feel the bloat.  I just want to look pretty for the wedding pictures, dammit.  I don't want to be the fat girl in the bridal party, and that's just what I'm going to be.  There was always another girl around my size in the other 3 weddings I've been in, but this one is full of slender girls.  And then there's me, the big purple bump on the end.  I'm terrified I'm going to look like Grimace or Barney or something.  I don't want to see double chin in these pictures.  Ugh, now I'm freaking myself out.  I should really just fast till Sunday morning, but that's not healthy either and would probably backfire.

I just need to get ACTIVE.  Why the hell won't my motivation kick in??  I think this is a big reason why I'm miserable with myself.  I feel like I've failed.  L tells me I haven't and that he loves me no matter what I look like, and I know he means it.  I know he'd only be disappointed if I gave up altogether, and I really am trying to take control of my diet again.  It's just the energy level....and I know that cardio brings endorphins which are mood elevators, but it always feels like once I get into that routine that something comes along to mess it up.  I feel like I'm just spouting out excuses, and that pisses me off even more.  Stupid perfectionism.

I just want to be comfortable with myself.  I've accepted the fact that I'll never be a thin girl.  Even if I did get totally toned, I'd still be a curvy pear.  It's just my genetics, and I do enjoy having a figure suited for retro clothes.  I would just like to not have jerks ask me if I'm pregnant.  You know, my arms and legs and chest/shoulders really have gotten smaller.  It's just this damn midsection, and then insensitive people make me feel like crap with dumb questions or comments.  But I have to remember that it's their issues, not mine.

Hopefully I'll de-bloat for the wedding and get my hair done and put on the contacts and feel all sorts of pretty.  Hopefully.  It happened last year, let's keep fingers crossed that it'll happen again.